Contacts between aliens and earthlings are increasing, and becoming hotter all the time! Unfortunately, most romantic advice columns just assume that both parties are human–that’s where Your Alien Love Advisor comes in!

Alien Love Advisor “Panel of Experts” considers each letter carefully!

Dear Alien Love Advisor:

Last spring I was abducted by a charming young male from the THX 1138 spiral galaxy whom I will call “Glzorp” because that is as close as I can come to spelling how he pronounced his name. While he was performing various tests on me (be sure to request clean cotton swabs) we connected in flirty way. On Friday they threw a nice going-away party for all the abductees, and he kissed me under a Japanese lantern!

“See you next summer!”

The timing is bad for me, as I still have two semesters to go at Assabet Valley Junior College towards my degree in electrolysis. Also, I gather that the inhabitants of his galaxy reproduce asexually, but I am through with one-night stands anyway.

I know, it sounds like this relationship is doomed. That’s why I’m writing to you.

Lauralynn Beth Sommers, Shrewsbury, Mass.

Dear Lauralynn–

Email is a great way to stay in touch with summertime friends. Keep a proper distance, but make your message warm and friendly. Something like, “Dear Glzorp–Hope you are doing well, I enjoyed meeting you and “swabbing” bodily fluids this summer! Yours ’til the Crab Nebula is cooked, Lauralynn.”

“So–a different female every year? Cool!”

Dear YALA–

Long-time reader, first-time writer. I was “parking” with my girlfriend whom I will call “Donna Armstrong” because that is her name so it’s just easier. We were over by the Boggy Swamp, when I saw colored lights floating above the water and a humongous mother ship. I tried to scream, but Donna had her tongue in my mouth. Anyway, when she asked what the problem was I said “Look–UFO!” She dismissed the whole thing as swamp gas, but I believe I saw a very attractive “femalien” giving me a come-hither look out the window as the saucer flew away.

I am thinking of dumping Donna and hanging out at the swamp, but don’t want people to think I’m crazy. I swear, I had not had any Ripple or blackberry brandy that night.

Lamar Bloess, Jr., Wayzata, Minnesota

Dear Lamar:

Spurious claims that inhabitants of other planets are caused by “swamp gas” have persisted since time immemorial, but ask yourself this question: If they’re caused by swamp gas on earth, how did they get to be inhabitants of other planets? I rest my case.

And please say hi to my cousin Jean, who lives in Minnetonka Beach.

Dear Alien Love Advisor-person:

This is not technically a “love” question but I thought I’d give it a shot. I was abducted and probed by aliens on 4th of July weekend, down around Lake Taneycomo. This came at the end of a record-setting day for me–213 crappie, 4 small mouth bass and a shortnose gar that I donated to the aquarium, they’re no good for eating.

Shortnose gar: Cook with a 2 X 4 at 350 degrees. After one hour, throw away the fish and eat the board.

I now have some sort of entry wound around my navel, plus some burn marks where my right ear is attached to my face. I went to the walk-in clinic and they fixed me up, but when I submitted the insurance form I got turned down–didn’t even get my $5 co-pay back.

I thought health insurance was gonna be a right but I guess not. Is this something you can help out on?

Jerry J. Sullyway, Lenarxie, Kansas

Oh-my-freaking-God!

Dear Jerry:

You should have selected a so-called “indemnity” plan, under which all mishaps are covered after you exceed a certain threshold. If this is your “first time” being abducted by aliens, you will have to disclose it on your next health insurance application as a pre-existing condition.

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Space is the Place.”