GLORPZ, Freedonia. St. Zlagbxti Lying-In Hospital is the largest building in this provincial capital in southeast Freedonia, and it is also first in terms of size by another measure.
“This child needs a vowel between his z and his x–STAT!”
“We are the biggest acute-care hospital tending to pediatric misorthographia in all of Freedonia,” says Dr. Predlzic Darkl. “Parents bring children with vowel deficiencies to us from as far away as Drbnz,” sometimes referred to as the “Seattle of Freedonia” because it is located in the nation’s northwest and its residents drink bitter coffee brewed from chicory and thistles.
“Will mommy be able to pronounce my name now?”
The cutting-edge techniques used here could not have been developed without the generosity of donors in America, Dr. Darkl gratefully acknowledges. “We are so thankful to Ameriskis, who have opened up their hearts, their wallets, but most of all their names to the children of Freedonia.”
? and the Mysterians bring the music of their people to America.
Misorthographia or "MOG" is widespread in Freedonia due to its troubled history as a frequent battleground between warring states. “When the Crimeans retreated from the Mysterians, they burned all the vowels as they went,” says Filosz Choklsw, who has written extensively on the Freedonian diaspora. “As a result, one in four Freedonian children is born with no vowel in its name.”
“Go ahead and give a Y you cheapskate–it’s both a vowel and a consonant!”
The cause has attracted support from Americans both rich and poor, according to the Freedonian-American Social Aid & Pleasure Club, a non-profit that supports the fight against pediatric misorthographia with fancy benefit balls at which U.S. descendants of the land-locked nation get dressed up and drink too much.
“Excuse me–I think you dropped your ‘U’.”
“We just received the biggest donation in our history,” says Executive Director Emily Smythe-Flaorz. “Two middle names donated by Trevor Halward Lund Graham,” heir to the HLG staple remover fortune.
“I really don’t use them that much, and I’m in the Social Register anyway,” Graham tells this reporter after having his picture snapped holding an oversized check with the vowels $AAU printed in the space for the amount. “If I can bring a smile to the face of a little Freedonian boy who can finally pronounce his own name, it will be worth it.”
At the opposite end of the economic spectrum, Toneequa Buckner, a manicurist at the Lookin’ Good Beauty Parlor in Rolla, Missouri, said she will donate both e’s in her first name and go by “Toniqua” after minimally-invasive vowel surgery. “They showed me this picture of a little girl named Zbgnw and it just broke my heart,” she says. “Them two e’s are gonna do her a world of good, and I can use the tax deduction.”
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection "Hail Freedonia!"