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NOVEMBER 5, 2012 9:30AM

Mullet-American Voters Seen as Key to Victory Tomorrow

Rate: 8 Flag

HOXIE, Arkansas.  This town in Northeast Arkansas is drawing an unusual amount of attention as tomorrow’s election approaches with the announcement by the Department of the Census that it has become the mean center of the nation’s mullets, a hairstyle that is short in the front and long in the back.

 
Likely Mullet-American voter

“Knob Noster can kiss my grits,” said Hoxie Chamber of Commerce President Herman Orthwell, referring to the Missouri town that previously held the distinction.


Bob Radik, Dog Catcher of Pettis County, Oklahoma:  “I
own the mullet vote around here.”

Mullet-wearers, long derided as unreliable employees and unattractive marriage prospects, are being viewed as an untapped resource by both Democratic and Republican Party elders seeking any edge they can find in tight races.  “Mullet-wearers represent a huge pool of potential voters that has hardly been skimmed for pond scum,” says Charles Collins, a principal of Electoral Strategies in Washington, D.C.  “There are over four million of them, but only 3% have ever cast a ballot for any public office other than dog-catcher.  Eighty-one percent have never registered, and the remaining 16% are convicted felons who can’t vote.”

The mullet center of America is defined as the point at which an imaginary, flat, weightless, and rigid map of the United States would balance perfectly if weights of identical value were placed on each of the nation’s mullet-wearers.  “It really is an approximation,” says Clyde Tillotson, a demographer who follows population trends for the Census Bureau.  “We tried putting weights on mullet-heads, and they punched our lights out.”


Billy Ray Cyrus:  Not a lesbian bartender.

 

The golden age of the mullet began in the 1970′s and ended in the 1990′s, but its impact on American life and culture continues, according to Arthur Widoff, Professor of American Culture or Lack Thereof at St. Olaf’s College.  “The mullet goes by as many nicknames in this country as we have states,” he notes.  “It is called a ‘Kentucky Waterfall,’ a ‘Missouri Compromise,’ a ‘Mississippi Mudflap,’ a ‘Tennessee Tophat’ and a ‘Louisiana Purchase.’  It is probably the only shibboleth that can reliably be used to identify both Billy Ray Cyrus fans and lesbian bartenders on their day off.”


Florence Henderson:  Soccer-mom mullet head.

 

It is believed that the mullet was first developed by Jean Baptiste Prosper Bressant, a 19th century French actor who persuaded Florence Henderson to wear the style in the opening credits of The Brady Bunch in 1973.  Among high school dropouts who go on to sell wholesale auto parts, the look is known as “Business in the Front, Party in the Back,” because of its versatility in a variety of social settings.


Mullet, Mullette and Mini-Mullet.

 

Mullet heads tend to be anti-gun control and thus unlikely to vote Democratic, but GOP candidates say they can’t take the mullet vote for granted.  “Too many mullet heads have a sense of resentment towards the upper classes,” says Republican Party chairman and Scrabble bonus word Reince Priebus.  “We’re going to try and change that by allowing them to take home the scraps when they bus dishes at country clubs.”

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election, mullets, satire, comedy, spoof, humor

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Comments

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As a proud former mullet wearer, I think it is about time that this important demographic was given its due!
I am a mullet head and my daughters are so ashamed. I try to make my vote count but in the end a mullet head is just useless. Poor Florence Henderson. She looks like me.
I've been carrying a torch for Florence Henderson for DECADES. All I get is robo-signed acknowledgements of my fan letters.
Con C. You sport a pale-Pink Mohawk?
You a Virtue-oriented Con C. Lawyer.
You No seem Vicious as Open Salon?
editor Kerry Lauderman is doing well?
`
he be forced to retire early from porn-star?
he wishes he (Jake too) be a Boston Lawyer?
god request editor view 3-Stooges re-Runs!
No eat Mutton if Ya a Vegan with no Pots?

I mean Vegans Cook Turnips in Pure-Pot!
Go wear a black-Alpaca Wool-Socks-Hat!
I do own Black-Cap-Alpaca. Don Met Cap!

We now hungry for Mullet and Pork-Chop.
Business on top, party in the back.

The height of the mullet era was, of course, Brian Bosworth. I never thought of Mrs. Brady as the progenitor of the femme-mullet (pronounced fem-moo-leh). That was a nice addition.

I rated the post simply on its title, though.
Grand Royal Magazine issue #1 or #2 did the ultimate (should have been) history of the mullet and it was incredible. I'm sure the mag would cost like $50 or something to get your hands on these days, but someone may have scanned it, and if so, give it a read. I think you'll like it.
There's a magazine for mullet-heads? Biting my tongue to keep from disparaging mullet literacy.
I'm growing one. Any tips for, you know, career paths, that sort of thing?
Tow-truck driver, grease-trap cleaner. The possibilities are endless.
So funny. Never had one. I don't think Jews were allowed to wear them. Isn't Mullet a bottom feeder?
Barry Manilow had a Reform Mullet for awhile.
Mullet-Americans are the ultimate undecided voters. They can't even decide if they want short hair or long.

I've got a thing for Florence Henderson too. Google her story of her one-night stand with Mayor Lindsay (she got the crabs from him).
Say it ain't so!

My mom had a crush on John Vliet Lindsay too.
I came back for Con-Lawyer Free Therapy.
Some Lawyer's Petition For Chicken Soup.
I Cook a Mean-Purple Turnip Toot's Soup.
`
Mullet?
We Folk?
We Mingle?
`
Folk Meddle?
No Hack Con.
He Not a Hen.
`
Con C. ate ` Sweet Potatoes, Ham-Hoof-Hock,
and Lawyer` C. Forgive Penitent Wild-Woman.
Tonight folk` View Moon-Rays and Be-Behaved.
`
Today hicks ` Plant Garlic-Bulbs and Be-Stinky.
Alas. or Woe` Poke Belly-Button and ` Heehaw.
If this comment` Polk-Weed to Be any` Senses?
`
Then I Failed` Gin and Best to Be in a ` Soft Bed.
Con C. My Mother Loved ` Dear Johnny Matthis.
Barack Obama Looks Like ` Sammy Davis. Whoa!
thanks,
free de'
therapy
no all de'
lawyer's
so`nasty
`
I ponder:
`
Glenn G..
I sigh too.
editor too.
not every
lawyer is
`
vain-so-ill
nasty-ego
ay not all
hypocrite
!
Gracious.
My groan.
O, garlics.
Great
Breath
No offend.
Garlic does?
Arouse gals?
I read that.
I No Sure.
I go Walk.
It Twilight.
Ay, Eve's `
long-shadow.
We-slow-walk.
No-wag-behind.
Wiggle-big-butt.
Pleasant-dreams.
cc
`
send to` Eric
Holder` DoJ
Be ` Integral
some old mullethead may decide this one; if they can coax him from the shed
No, Grand Royal is the name of the Beastie Boys' label, and for a short time, magazine. The few issues they released had some really great stuff in it, but one of the little, funny goof-fests was the mullet thing. I think it was th first time I had heard the actual term, 'mullet'. These are pre-internet days, so you'll have to forgive my ignorance at the time.

Anyway, check it out (check it, check it, check it out)