The Thing From Bloggy Swamp

"Music is real--the rest is scenery." Fats Waller

Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Location
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
Birthday
September 28
Bio
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on amazon.com and elsewhere.

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JANUARY 23, 2013 7:58AM

Gerbil Interactive Media Privacy Policy

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At Gerbil Interactive Media (“we”, “us” or “Gerbil”), we value the privacy of people like you (a “Member”, “you” or “you all” if you are a Member of NASCAR Lovers, one of many groups available on Gerbil.com). 


NASCAR fans:  “Sumbitch is bump draftin’ agin.’”
 

The reason we value your privacy is because it’s valuable–we can sell it for a lot of money anytime we want!  This Privacy Policy (“this Policy”) describes the types of personal information we collect when you use our service (“Service”), whether you like it or not (“Tough Noogies”), as well as some of the steps we take to insure we never run out of quotation marks or parentheses (“Protective Measures”).

 
Our Founder

What This Policy Covers

This Policy covers what we do, not what other people or companies who are not under our control do.  We can barely control ourselves, especially when Lurleen the floater secretary is assigned to us.  If Lurleen were an apartment building in Honolulu, her deck would be referred to as a “lanai.”


Lurleen, the floater secretary, on smoke break

Information We Collect About You

When you register with us, we collect information about your mother’s maiden name, how many men she had sex with before she was married, and the names of your pets in case you try to fraudulently redeem Gerbil Points and we have to send you a threatening email at work along the lines of ”If you ever want to see Fluffy alive again, you’d better reverse your bogus contribution of $20 in Gerbil Points to KMVU-FM, the official radio station of Missouri Valley University.”


“Thanks to our listeners for their support.  Our Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs Marathon is in its third day now . . .”

What We Do With It

We are tempted to say that it is none of your damn business what we do with your information but the people in legal tell us we can’t.  Frankly, we don’t give a rat’s patootie what the lawyers think.  All they ever do is stand around the potato salad at the company picnic and worry about salmonella, and they won’t let you take your beer into the outfield when you’re playing softball.

 
“There’s a line drive to right–it hits the Old Milwaukee can and is in there for extra bases!”

Access By Others

Once you register with Gerbil, you are not anonymous to users of our Service, such as our advertisers, who may obtain your credit card information, your social security number, the names of your favorite recording artists (including, without limitation, Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs) and any “flip” comments you made in response to the question “On Gerbil I’m Looking For–”.


Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs–back again.

What We Use the Information For

We use information about you to apply for credit cards and then take fun vacations, but only to locations in the continental U.S.  We agree not to charge you for first-class airfare without your express, prior written approval, which you consent to in advance when you agree to our “Terms of Service.”

Information Sharing

We do not rent, sell or otherwise disseminate information about you to others, but we may share it with trusted partners like your no-good ex-husband who wants to know why he’s paying alimony when you’re flirting with guys in the “Tanning Salon Addicts” group.

 
“Look at the pasty-face nerds over in the ‘Light of Poetry’ group!”

Cookies

If you eat Cookies while using our Service, you may get crumbs in your keyboard, slowing your access to our Service and restricting your ability to squeeze between your desk and Lurleen’s unless you really suck in your gut, which isn’t going to fool her for a minute.

 
“Hey Lurleen–if you’re going on break soon I got an extra Kit-Kat Bar I can give you.”

Changes to this Policy

We may update and change this Policy anytime and from time to time–time after time, I tell myself that I’m, so lucky to be loved by–sorry, we got carried away.  We will notify you promptly after making any such change, unless we deem it to be minor, insignificant, immaterial or we find out that you gave us a “1″ rating on any picture we post of Fritzi, our Schnauzer.

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privacy, satire, comedy, spoof, humor

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Comments

Type your comment below:
the hen is on the scale
So that's why I was 2 pounds overweight this morning.
"how many men she had sex with before she was married"

In the 50's??? Did they have sex before they married then?
That's gerbilling of them:)
HUGGGGGGGGGGGG