The Thing From Bloggy Swamp

"Music is real--the rest is scenery." Fats Waller

Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.

FEBRUARY 14, 2013 11:31AM

OS Interview: Meet Lissy--Real Life Blog Whore

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It's not every day that one meets that certain special someone, without whom one's life has hitherto been . . . incomplete.  But it happened to me, just the other day!  I checked my Open Salon messages, and found six--count 'em, six--messages from Lissy, which is what her friends call her.  Those of you who don't know her quite as well should keep things formal at first, and use her full name, Alice.

"Where have you been all my life?"


But to me she's Lissy--Lissy, Lissy, Lissy.  It's a pretty name, isn't it, like wind rustling through a weeping willow tree, or an overly amorous cicada scratching his legs together.  But I shouldn't keep Lissy to myself--I want you to meet her too!  So here's an unredacted transcript of my tete-a-tete with Lissy, my love.

ME:  Lissy, to be frank, I don't get that many unsolicited messages from women.  What was it that attracted you to me?

LISSY:  I read your profile today, and it was so good to me!

ME:  What part in particular?  My third-place finish in the 2009 Robert Benchley Humor Competition?  Because I'd been told that would turn out to be a babe magnet, but frankly it's been a disappointment.

Robert Benchley


LISSY:  u know that i am interested to be a friend first. 

ME:  Sure, fine--I didn't mean to come on so strong.  Anyway, third place may sound sucky, but it puts me right up there with Dwight Stones and John Thomas, two American high jumpers who won bronze medals at the Olympics.  Stones was white, Thomas was black.

Dwight Stones


LISSY:  as you know there is no age, race, colour n religion bar when it comes to true love.

ME:  Absolutely.  So tell me a little bit about yourself . . .

LISSY:  i will give you a full introduction of my self with my pictures ok

ME:  Sure--a picture's worth a thousand words, I guess.  But I've got to ask you--why me?  I mean, my real life is pretty boring and it's been more than four decades since Paula Ferguson passed me a note that said "I think you're a dreamboat!" in eighth grade.

"Uh, thanks.  You're nice, too."

LISSY:  i also believe that coming to you will be a probability of meeting that very love that has been lacking in my entire life.

ME:  Well, sure, if I complete you like that. 

LISSY:  please i will like you to contact me direct to my e-mail address, i dont know the posebility of remaing in forum for long time.

ME:  Actually, it's pretty hard to get thrown off of Open Salon.  I mean, I've posted some stuff that poked fun at the worthless "Tip" feature, and nobody seems to care.

Lauerman:  "Who the hell is this Lissy?"


LISSY: i will be waiting for your mail to my e-mail adsdress.

ME:  You know, I've always been pretty good at spelling.  In first grade Sister Agnesita asked me to sit next to Gail Crnic and help her.  Maybe I could show you a few tricks, like "i before e, except after c" and "there is no word in the English language with the phoneme 'dsd' in it."

LISSY:  as you know, cares Alice.

ME:  What--what did I say?  I thought you wanted me to call you "Lissy"?

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humor, spoof, spam, comedy

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You know, If I thought you were this easy I would've written you some questionable albeit lusty correspondence long ago.

I think you are dreamy...
I'll talk to anybody. Especially if her name's Lissy.
How often do you get out that note from Paula and read it?
is Lissy a missy who's ready to play? (
I've only looked at that note from Paula four times. Today.
please watch for my rock video
'Calm' is 99 hours of a Midwestern Rust Belt storm mostly filled with the slow-as-a-glacier recession of snow form bit x bit exposing dormant grass the color of green cloth; the inspiration (if I may) devolves from an unbridled jinx of having had practiced (to a pinpoint of perfection) the artful SCREWBALL as more 'ordinary' preciously malleable kids swapped baseball card obsurantia, toured the zoo, and of course went on to be self-sufficient currency trading wizards while i ice my tennis elbow. Yet. Potentially the last creative writer (failed short story writer) to attempt the butterfly stroke with five pound chrome dumbells, word of the Carnival finding shore. Surreptiously the line snaps. Salted sea drops flung to air

dis Some,a,mornings I wake and cannot find my Randolph shades!
Sweet Jesus. Lissy in a yellow cotton robe