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NOVEMBER 29, 2013 11:18AM

President Declares National Day of Leftovers

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CAMP DAVID, Md. President Barack Obama declared Friday a National Day of Leftovers after a Thanksgiving Day Dinner that included a dish prepared by Marian Robinson, his mother-in-law, that he pushed around on his plate but did not finish.

“What exactly is this?”

“Our enemies abroad deserve to eat this stuff,” said Obama’s prepared text for his traditional Thanksgiving radio address. “We are going to wrap it up and send it to them along with 34,000 additional troops.”

Obama and mother-in-law: “No seriously, I tried some. It wasn’t as bad as it smelled.”

Obama’s daughters also refused to eat the dish, saying it smelled of onions and tuna. The President will place the remains in an unmarked chafing dish at the Tomb of the Unknown Casserole in Arlington, Virginia.

President Obama placing leftovers at Tomb of the Unknown Casserole

The President typically “pardons” two National Thanksgiving Turkeys but declined to do so this year for fear that he would be accused of being soft on crime by Republicans. “These two turkeys were responsible for identity theft, carjacking and intimidating a witness,” said U.S. Attorney Karl May. “They will be deep-fried and served as Popcorn Chicken at a KFC franchise in Washington.”

Deep-fried turkey

The first American leftovers were a by-product of the Thanksgiving celebration held in Plymouth, Massachusetts, in 1621. Uneaten butternut squash and jellied cranberries were given to members of the Wampanoag tribe as they left the feast, touching off a bloody two-year conflict that claimed the lives of nearly a hundred people and depressed retail sales during the first Christmas shopping period.

“You’d better eat some–we brought that stuffing with us from England!”

The children of the Plymouth Colony were especially grateful to Squanto, a Native American and former British slave, who taught them to bury fish to fertilize corn fields. “If you hide the food you don’t like,” he told them, “you don’t have to eat it.”

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I own a Fish Farm just outside of Las Vegas. We pump the water in from the Bellagio. The name of the farm is "Carpe Diem" or as I call it "Seize The Carp." I'm not sure how this connects to your very funny story about Thanksgiving leftovers.

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Funny coincidence. After I got out of college I briefly considered going into catfish farming in MO. I didn't, moved to Boston, went to law school, first job was at a legal clinic. A preacher walks in one day and says he's thinking of starting a fish farm as a way to revitalize the inner-city. I tell him I know a little bit about it, and that one of the difficulties is how to get the fish to market in bulk. No problem, he say, I already thought about that. I'm going to get a blimp, strap a net to its underside, swoop down on the pond and fly the fish to market.
Ah yes, the aerial method of fish distribution known simply at the Fulton Fish Market as The Stugotz Flying Fish. The Preacher needs to make sure the Blimp is not overloaded otherwise he may have to throw some of his catch overboard onto unsuspecting pedestrians. Being smacked in the face with fish can be very invigorating, better than a cup of coffee, though your coworkers may not appreciate the aroma of halibut in the morning. A minor fishnote. A Do Wop group from Cleveland named Manny and The Mermaids recorded a song called "It's Raining Fish" which reached 298 on the Billboard charts. Now I figured out how I got sidetracked. You mentioned something about burying fish to fertilize cornfields. That's what triggered my manic ramblings.
You say manic, I say lucid.
Thus Wal*Mart's decision to Black Friday its cream-of-mushroom soup. A spate of shootings, knifings and fistfights has broken out in the chain's parking lots across this great nation because of the sale.
Leftovers are delicious, even when there's a major malfunction, which shows President Obama is intelligent to recognize.
The Squanto thing led, of course, to the enthusiastic burial of large numbers of American natives which might account for the crop productivity of the middle west. Nature is not as particular over the source of leftovers as humans.
I miss leftovers. My rightest Thanksgiving was at a fancy club and we thought of smuggling in some tin foil to take some home but we didn't.