The Thing From Bloggy Swamp

"Music is real--the rest is scenery." Fats Waller

Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.


JULY 22, 2011 2:59PM

My Cats, World-Class Porn Dogs

          A Jensen Beach, Florida man found to have child pornography on his computer blamed his cats for jumping on his keyboard. 


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I park my car on the bridge but
before leaving for the train, I sit
and listen to the opening bars of
Strayhorn’s “Chelsea Bridge.”

Something fluttering, as if
on the wing—a delicate thing—
it ascends from below,
from the baritone,
a virile voice among the reeds,
and ab

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ARLINGTON, Virginia.  Facing a stalemate in debt ceiling talks that has rattled the markets, Democratic and Republican legislators adjourned this afternoon for Laser Tag at the Fun Time Play Zone, an indoor arcade in this suburb of Washington, bringing smiles to many facing burn-out f

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JULY 17, 2011 9:26PM

U-10 Soccer Girls Gone Wild!

As it finally hit me that the United States had lost the Women's World Cup, I knew where I had to go; out into the streets of my neighborhood to console my girls--Courtney, Kirsten and Taylor--who I'd coached from Kinder Kick to Third Grade 3-on-3 until this year, when their parents had tak… Read full post »

JULY 17, 2011 11:53AM

Have You Seen The Globe Today?

JULY 16, 2011 4:54PM

Ridin' With Them Kings

Tommy had wanted to get Karen drunk for a long time, but she wouldn’t drink beer.  She would drink a rum Coke or a screwdriver, but it was hard to get the ingredients for a mixed drink together with ice when you were just driving around.  You had to be at… Read full post »

JULY 16, 2011 10:12AM

The Bible: US Weekly Edition

     New editions of the Bible include several in the format of glossy magazines, sometimes called "Biblezines."  News item.


"He gave me all I desired--all I asked!"

When the Queen of Sheba flew into Jerusalem y

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JULY 15, 2011 8:12PM

The Ballad of the Headless Bunny

‘twas a Sunday morning, the first of May
A fine and fragrant playful day
I put on my bike shorts, prepared for a ride
Opened the garage door and went outside.

There I stepped down on what looked like a mouse
Bloody and lifeless outside of our house.
I took bag in hand and prepared… Read full post »

BILOXI, Mississippi.  An estimated 50,000 fans lined the streets of this sweltering city today to cheer Mississippi's seventh consecutive National Fat Championship, with former GOP National Chairman Haley Barbour serving as Grand Marshall of the victory parade.

Barbour:  "

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I was sitting in my office yesterday afternoon when a friend–whom I will refer to simply as “Mad Dog” because he likes to make an illegal sports bet from time to time–called.

“You’ve got to get down here,” he said, not even bothering with a “Hello.&rdq

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JULY 12, 2011 2:31PM

Hockey Moms of Sparta

A Spartan hockey mom, sending her son off to battle against the Framingham Mini-Mites B Sharks, handed him his goalie pads and said “Come off the ice with these, or on them.”


            Another, when her daughter limp

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SCHENECTADY, N.Y.  Floyd Curtin has been an air traffic controller at Mookie Wilson International Airport here for nearly twenty years, but he is more widely-known as "Rat Dog," the "screen name" he uses for his blog "Politics, Sports & B.S.," which he updates daily on blogsprout.c… Read full post »

NEW YORK.  Kirstin Aylward has got everything going for her; a great job at a Madison Avenue advertising agency, a body she keeps in trim by running five miles a day, and looks that turn the heads on the older men where she works and on the street.  There's only one… Read full post »

TERRE HAUTE, Indiana.  Frederick "Buzz" Klemner, a tireless inventor of non-existent or improbable articles, died last night after a brief illness according to a spokesman at the Grovedale Assisted Living Facility.  He was the holder of eighty-three patents, none of which brought him w… Read full post »

In the film The Third Man, Orson Welles plays Harry Lime, a black marketeer in post-World War II Vienna. 

Orson Welles as Harry Lime

When he is confronted by his friend Holly Martins, Lime excuses his misdeeds with a speech that Welles himself contributed to Graham Greene'

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JULY 8, 2011 2:40PM

How to Hypnotize Women

Readers of a certain age—or more precisely, male readers of comic books of the sixties—may recall an advertisement that appeared regularly alongside come-ons for sea monkeys, correspondence courses in ventriloquism, and X-Ray Specs.  It depicted a cool-looking guy, his hair slicked b… Read full post »

SKOKIE, Illinois.  It's the time of the year when many teens are working on their tans or at minimum-wage jobs, but one group of adolescents can be found each night holed up in their local libraries, scribbling obscure facts on note cards.  "What we do is football for smart kids," say

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ST. LOUIS, Mo.  As the American Philosophical Association's annual convention wound down after yesterday's plenary session, professors from around the country took time off from the presentation of academic papers to focus their analytical skills on less weighty&nb

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JULY 5, 2011 9:01PM

The Shadow of the Red-Tailed Hawk

The shadow of the red-tailed hawk
  passed over the tuxedo cat
  as we sat outside today,
  watching for chipmunks.

I was startled, as was he.
The hawk had dropped down
  from the tree in front of the 
  house.  He may have had his


  eye on a chipmunk

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OYSTERVILLE, Mass.  This exclusive enclave on Cape Cod does not spring readily to mind when tourists think of summer vacations, and the local Chamber of Commerce aims to keep it that way.

If you have to ask how much it costs per week, you can't afford it.

"Home prices are

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JULY 4, 2011 9:50PM

The Fireflies

There are fireflies at the tops of the trees tonight—
  too high for any kid to catch
  the way we used to do, in a Mason jar or
  lacking one of those, a paper bag from
  the downtown department store.

 Your bag or jar would glow, and you
  could bring

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JULY 1, 2011 7:30PM

The Pride of Young Men

I knew a fellow, a perfect ass—
  the guy was in my college class.
He started smoking a pipe
  as soon as he got to campus;
  the Chicken Kiev in the dining
  hall made him balloon up
  like a Panama Grampus.


He’d talk the most pretentious crap,

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JULY 1, 2011 8:04AM

Humor and Your Mental Health

I got the bad news the other day.

After noticing numbness in my left hand and stiffness when I turned my head to the right, I went to my doctor who ordered an MRI from the neck up.

"I'm going to give you something to stop the voices in your head making the dumb
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The Los Angeles Dodgers have filed for reorganization under Chapter 11 of the Bankruptcy Code.  News item.

BAILIFF:  Oyez, oyez, oyez, whatever in the hell that means.  All rise for the Honorable Mary Beth Coolidge, Bankruptcy Judge

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JUNE 29, 2011 10:15AM

Should Legislators Get Pensions?