The Thing From Bloggy Swamp

"Music is real--the rest is scenery." Fats Waller

Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.


Skin-care entrepreneur Tata Harper calls Tata Harper Rejuvenating Serum her “makeup must.” An article on Ms. Harper in Saturday’s Off Duty section misidentified the product as Glam Nation’s Rejuv Organic Facial Serum.

The Wall Street Journal

The Monday, January 5th edi… Read full post »

Paris Hilton is being hailed by conservationists for efforts to curb rice beer binge-drinking by elephants in India. 

Associated Press


“She’s late,” I said to my friend Rajah, an elephas maximus indicus.  We were standing on the corner of Hollywood and Vine, wa… Read full post »

JANUARY 5, 2015 8:56AM

Yours For a Song

It had been several years since my last physical, so the nurse had a number of questions to ask before the doctor saw me last week.  Was I taking any medication?  Was I allergic to penicillin?  Did I have high blood pressure?

“Do you have any recurring symptoms of smart-alRead full post »

WEST LAFAYETTE, Indiana.  Steven Burns is a professor at Purdue University’s medical school who specializes in sleep disorders; his wife Maria is an opera buff who often orchestrates trips to cities where she can hear her favorite tenors and sopranos.  “You marry the w… Read full post »

JANUARY 3, 2015 4:37AM

Ask Senor Besame-Mucho

The women of America suffer from a lack of passion in their lovers, the phlegmatic sons of Angles, many of which are 90 degrees, and Saxons, so stolid in their romancing. It is for this reason that I, Senor Besame-Mucho, answer questions from those who wish to be kissed much more… Read full post »

BOURNE, Mass. Like many high school juniors, Cyndi Cahill faces long odds as she looks ahead to next year, demographically one of the toughest in American history in terms of college admissions. “My guidance counselor told me I’d either have to get my GPA up or do something nice for someb… Read full post »

JANUARY 1, 2015 10:05AM

How to Cheer Up a Sad Poem

It is one of the most difficult problems of aesthetic philosophy: What do we mean when we say that a song or poem is sad? I’ve read Aristotle, Kant, Croce–Benedetto, not Jim–all the big names. As far as I can tell, nobody’s come close to answering the question.

BenedettRead full post »

DECEMBER 31, 2014 8:16AM

Upfaked Out of My Love Shoes

It was a New Year’s Eve in the ’90′s
and I was at loose ends. I decided
to skip the midnight show
and go to a party with friends.

After the obligatory dance with my hostess
to her then-favorite popular song
(If memory serves correctly, it was
Lionel Ritchie’s “Al… Read full post »

DECEMBER 30, 2014 8:46PM

Me and J.D. Salinger at Burger King

Newly-discovered correspondence reveals that reclusive author J.D. Salinger thought Burger King’s hamburgers were superior to those of other fast-food chains.… Read full post »

As I look back on 2014 and prepare the Gerbil Interactive Media Group (Gerbil News Network, Gerbil Sports Network, Gerbil Entertainment!) for a public offering in the white-hot stock market of 2015, it is appropriate that I give potential investors a candid and unsparing view of our business pro… Read full post »

DECEMBER 29, 2014 7:54AM

At the Post-Christmas Sponging House

It’s the week after Christmas, too soon for the dreaded envelope containing the credit card bill for ill-fitting and ill-advised purchases that have already been forgotten or broken, but which have yet to be paid for.  I’m sitting in our little colonial town’s sponging houRead full post »

WORCESTER, Mass.  This gritty central Massachusetts city is known to some as the Industrial Abrasives Capital of the World, and to others for its numerous railroad car diners.  What it is not known for, to the dismay of many, is its educational and cultural attractions.

MisRead full post »

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts. When New Year’s Eve was still a month away, Massachusetts Institute of Technology sophomore Jeremy Klotkin took steps to make sure he didn’t spend the night when many unattached men hope to “get lucky” alone.

“I try to go out on a date once a ye… Read full post »

It’s been eight years since the near-simultaneous deaths of James Brown, the singer who rose from humble origins to become “The Godfather of Soul,” and Gerald Ford, the only unelected President of the United States.

Nixon and Brown:  “I hope yo
Read full post »

DECEMBER 24, 2014 8:07AM

The Most Wonderfullest Christmas Ever

I was a young man on the verge of getting old (at least in my mind) back then, in the mid-eighties. It was Christmas time, which made the passing of youth that much more painful; I remembered the Christmas when I got both a basketball and a bb gun, and… Read full post »

BOSTON. On a Tuesday evening at Symphony Hall, the last few strains of a delicate piece by Debussy performed by the Guarneri String Quartet have left the audience in a blissful state of calm, which is broken only after an extended period of silence by appreciative applause.

“That was so–… Read full post »

BROOKLYN, New York. Carmen Scarpino, an innovative smart aleck who is credited with many of America’s most treasured comebacks, one-liners and wise cracks, died of lung cancer at the Sons of Italy Convalescent Home here yesterday. He was 84.

Scarpino came of age as World War II came to an end,… Read full post »

RAMINGHAM, Mass.  It’s the Saturday before Christmas vacation and Lieutenant Jim Hampy of the Massachusetts State DMVD is on patrol in the Metrowest area of Boston, on the lookout for students home from college with too much time on their hands and beer in their bellies.  &l… Read full post »

DECEMBER 21, 2014 8:10PM

The Object of Her Affectation

There once was a girl, and I briefly dated her,
who treated each moment as if it were the-atre.
Ordinary reality was much too quotidian
Whether you were together ante or post meridian.

Each time we’d sit at noon a-munchin’
We didn’t eat lunch–we’d had a luncheon.
I al… Read full post »

This is a story of a teenaged boy whom I will call Ignacio.  He was brought to America from a village in South America to live in a small town for a year as a foreign exchange student.

He lived with the Cash family.  Mr. Cash owned a feed and grain… Read full post »

The holidays are a stressful time of the year, straining both long-term relationships and brief flings that begin as drunken come-ons at office parties. How does one cope with competing and often conflicting demands of “significant others” that clash with family obligations, year-end busi… Read full post »

BOSTON. Niles Oberg hates Christmas music and doesn’t consider himself a religious man. “The only time I see the inside of a church is when a friend gets married,” he says. “And even then my flesh starts to creep when I think of all my one-night stands.”

&ldquoRead full post »

HOLLYWOOD.  Studio executives at Sony Pictures yesterday gave the green light to “Glorious Sun of Mankind Kim Jong-un Adventure,” an action-comedy-drama-romance-documentary starring Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea, and co-starring Kim Jong-un.

“What can I say?Read full post »

As a budding but unsuccessful writer of long standing, I turn to Writer’s Digest for the pro-tips that I hope will transform me from a perennially-rejected shlub to a guy who has to fight off literary chicks with a stick. It is there you’ll find helpful articles such as “5… Read full post »

WASHINGTON.  Former Vice President Dick Cheney took on a new adversary yesterday, calling on Pope Francis I to release documents to support his contention that the Spanish Inquisition produced valuable information through torture.

Cheney:  “I may be irritating–but I&rsquoRead full post »