The Thing From Bloggy Swamp

"Music is real--the rest is scenery." Fats Waller

Con Chapman

Con Chapman
Boston, Massachusetts, US of A
September 28
. . . is the author of over fifty books--some with paper!--available on and elsewhere.

VANCOUVER, B.C.  In a desperate bid to win professional hockey's ultimate prize, Canadian officials last night devalued the country's currency against the U.S. dollar in the hopes of stalling the Boston Bruins' offense, which has averaged three goals a game against

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Editor’s Pick
JUNE 14, 2011 11:52AM

Fat Kids in Heaven at MLB Overweight Pitchers Camp

WORCESTER, Mass.  There's still one hockey game to be played this year, but for most kids in New England it's baseball season, even if the ground is still too soggy to play in some places.  “I think it was Yogi Berra who said ‘April is the cruelest month’,” notes Li

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PITTSBURGH, Pa.  A team of researchers at the University of Pittsburgh Medical School has isolated the gene responsible for synophrys, the phenomenon known as "unibrow," giving hope to sufferers from the affliction that their children will grow up with two normal eyebrows, rather than a single&

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BRUSSELS, Belgium.  The International Federation of Amateur Dancers today registered a formal diplomatic protest with the United States over the use of force to evict "flash mob" dancers from the Jefferson Memorial.

"She appears to be doing the Funky Chicken, but we can't say for sure."

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JUNE 13, 2011 8:46AM

Merkel to Obama: Aryan Hoops Rule

BERLIN.  It didn't take long after the Dallas Mavericks, led by MVP forward Dirk Nowitzki, won their first NBA Championship for German Chancellor Angela Merkel to lord it over her American counterpart, former high school basketball player Barack Obama.

" . . . she upfaked me ou

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EASTHAMPTON, N.Y.  It's still chilly in the mornings in this upscale town on Long Island, but by mid-afternoon there is a hint of summer in the air.  "I can hardly wait for the Fourth of July," says Clifton Felton-Day, chairman of the annual Spring Fling for the Cure for Long

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It is, marketing experts agree, one of the most successful branding campaigns of the 21st century; a man and a woman sitting beside each other in separate bathtubs, the visual theme that has vaulted Cialis to the top of the erectile dysfunction market after a late start behind first mover Viagr

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JUNE 10, 2011 7:59AM

I Feel Bad About Your Neck

One of my first literary crushes was Nora Ephron, who back in the 70s wrote for Esquire magazine.  She was funny, and from the looks of her little caricature icon drawn by David Levine, she was attractive.  To me, at least.

Not Nora Ephron, but you get the idea.

And so it

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JUNE 9, 2011 11:04PM

He's Sarcastic



Re:        &nbsRead full post »

WASHINGTON, D.C.  President Obama got bad news from his circle of insiders and pollsters yesterday; the sharp uptick in his approval rating following the killing of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden last month had completely evaporated, and 59% of those polled said they disapproved of his jo

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JUNE 8, 2011 8:03AM

Why Couples Fight

The wars between the sexes
   are easily understood:
Men and women wouldn't fight so much
   if make-up sex weren't so good.

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SEEKONK, Mass.  As the slanting rays of the rising sun pierce through his venetian blinds, Ty Domeni scrolls through an article he's just written, types three tic-tac-toe signs (#'s) at the bottom in observance of journalistic convention, and sends it on to his editor for review.  "That's i… Read full post »

DURHAM, North Carolina.  A group of 100 presidents of some of the America’s best-known colleges today urged lawmakers nationwide to lower the drinking age from 21 to 18, saying many bodacious coeds are not able to drink legally until the fall of their senior year.

We came, we s
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WASHINGTON, D.C.  The Environmental Protection Agency today released projections indicating that the nation's landfills will reach capacity in less than three years if current trends in the disposal of youth sports trophies continue.

"You get a trophy for hitting the ball off the T--or n

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JUNE 1, 2011 8:32AM

Cup Fever Grips Hub

A major sports championship is an occasion for much silliness of a predictable sort: goofy bets between mayors of the rival cities; trash-talking "us vs. them" columns by local sportswriters putting down the opposing city as a Rubesville or a modern-day Babylon, depending on its size; invidious comp

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MAY 30, 2011 12:30PM

Swimsuit Tips From Top Scientists

Summer's just around the corner--time to head to the beach!  But if, like many people, you're flabby from a winter spent indoors slurping down beer and eating fondue, here are some tips on getting into "swimsuit" shape by the world's second-most glam occupational group (after supermodels),

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MAY 26, 2011 9:27AM

Fact-Checking Your Fiction

It isn't often I sell a piece of fiction; in the seventeen years since I started to write in earnest, more often than the Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup (0) but less often than the New England Patriots have won the Super Bowl (3).  So I'm neck-and-neck with the

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NEW YORK.  Serial husband and Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich was tapped today to host "The Real Housewives of Abottabad," a reality show that will follow Osama bin Laden's three widows as they try to rebuild their lives following the assassination of their husband.

bin Lad

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Editor’s Pick
MAY 18, 2011 8:26AM

US Hits Debt Ceiling, Gets New Credit Card in Mail

WASHINGTON, D.C.  The U.S. government reached its legal debt limit of $14.3 trillion on Monday--$46,000 for every man, woman and child in America--but avoided default on its debt when it received an unsolicited credit card in the mail on Tuesday.

Geithner:  "24% isn't too much

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Editor’s Pick
MAY 16, 2011 1:20PM

60 Under 60 List Honors the No-Longer-Youthful

BOSTON.  Carl Zucker was crushed in 1979 when he didn’t make the annual “30 Under 30″ list of the Boston Weekly Merchant, a feature that highlights up-and-coming members of the city’s business community.  “I did everything right,” he says.  “I

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GREENWICH, Conn.  It's Sunday night, and Dan Lavesque would like to be relaxing with his kids and maybe drinking a bottle of Whole Foods Lemon Italian Sparkling Mineral Water, but his wife Cindy has a different program in mind.

Suck it up.

"C'mon," she says as she hands him a

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Like many people, I'm getting older by the minute.  I'm not going to tell you how old I am, but to keep things in perspective, I remind myself that when Shakespeare was my age he'd already been dead for seven years.

Shakespeare:  Wrote most of his plays before his untimely
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MAY 13, 2011 8:19AM

Richard Nixon on Acid

Jefferson Airplane singer Grace Slick was invited to a tea party at the White House as a fellow alumna  of Tricia Nixon’s finishing school.  She planned to spike Richard Nixon’s tea with LSD, but was denied entry because she had been determined to be a security risk.
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MAY 12, 2011 9:16PM

The Mangy Tiger

As we entered the circus tent
We passed the big cats’ wagon.
A sleeping tiger lay
in what I knew was hay.

I looked closely; it seemed
like our cats at home, but
gigantic, as if they were
just models of the tiger.

As it dozed, its breath
caused its whiskers to
bend like wheat in the wi… Read full post »

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana.  A six-year study by industrial psychologists, the first of its kind, reveals that inspirational posters in company cafeterias and employee lounges cause depression among workers and may trigger homicidal rages.

"Hang in there--we just canceled your health ins

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