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Coolhand Jones

Coolhand Jones
Location
Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
Birthday
January 26
Title
Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Lodge No. 26
Company
LDR Entertainment
Bio
I was born in a log cabin in Walla Walla, Wash. I won the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee at age 10, and the World Series of Poker at 15. After inventing Pizza Rolls, I tried my luck in the Internet boom of the '90s. Sadly, there was no real need for on-demand futon upholstery. After going bankrupt, I successfully graduated from Marquette University with a degree in journalism. I have held positions as a chimney sweep, international man of mystery, Elvis impersonator, and original gangsta. In my spare time, I enjoy full-scale re-enactments of the War of 1812; collecting potato chips that resemble 20th century magicians; distilling vinegar; interstate racing - Cannonball Run style; spelunking in the caves of Borneo, and taunting the Swiss. I also believe it's entirely possible that I’m the sole heir to the Jim Morrison estate. I vehemently deny rumors linking him to It-Girl Pia Zadora and I am looking forward to my impending eating disorder that will couple my obnoxiously, overbearing fame - which will be immediately followed by my “E! True Hollywood Story.” I also like bunny rabbits.

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SEPTEMBER 28, 2010 11:24AM

The 100 Greatest Music Artists of All Time!

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VH-1 recently completed their second go-around on ranking the 100 Greatest Artists of All Time. The list is a subjective conglomeration of more than 60 artists’ opinions (both legendary and contemporary), who exactly are the greatest rock ‘n’ roll figures of all time. Like I said, this is the second time the cable network has done this list – the first was 12 years ago and the results are very different. 

For instance, back in ’98 the top five looked like this: 1) The Beatles 2) The Rolling Stones 3) Bob Dylan 4) Led Zeppelin 5) Jimi Hendrix. A dozen years later, things in the top five shifted quite a bit and now look like this: 1) The Beatles 2) Michael Jackson 3) Led Zeppelin 4) The Rolling Stones 5) Bob Dylan. To me, Michael Jackson seems entirely too high (especially considering he rarely wrote his own music). Other shockers for me – Simon & Garfunkel were left off this list (confusing considering Simon’s easily one of the best songwriters rock music has ever known), and Sade actually made the list. If her influence is that drastic – I certainly must have missed it over the years. By my count, I have replaced 30 artists from the VH-1 list with new ones of my own, and then scrambled the original order all over the place. 

Obviously, all of this can be easily and readily debated, but that didn’t stop me from creating my own list, nor should it stop you. A few notes on what’s to follow, I don’t get Michael Jackson’s influence to the degree others do and that’s reflected here. I also didn’t reward artists for more than one incantation of themselves, i.e. no Beatles and John Lennon. By that reasoning, Eric Clapton could pop up on this list in three different versions (Slowhand, Cream, Derek & The Dominoes) – to me, it’s still the same guy. I think you’ll see what I mean. 

For those that are interested, the next ones in the pool would have been: The Allman Brothers and Smashing Pumpkins (and by the way, I could have easily done a top 200 list, but I’m trying to follow some semblance of the VH-1 rules here). I know no one’s list in the world will look like mine, but that’s what blogs are for anyway. 

100) Cat Stevens

99) Supertramp

98) Bob Mould

97) The Pretenders

96) The Commodores

95) Stevie Ray Vaughn

94) Genesis

93) Sinead O’Connor

92) Oasis

91) ABBA

90) The Band

89) N.W.A.

88) Billy Idol

87) The Violent Femmes

86) Cheap Trick

85) The Ramones

84) Peter Gabriel

83) Billy Joel

82) Little Richard

81) Iggy and The Stooges

80) Van Morrison

79) Lynard Skynard

78) Jerry Lee Lewis

77) Rush

76) Bob Seger

75) Run D.M.C.

74) Blur

73) Janis Joplin

72) The Cure

71) John Cougar Mellencamp

70) Rage Against the Machine

69) REM

68) Elvis Costello

67) Pearl Jam

66) Beck

65) Depeche Mode

64) Green Day

63) Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

62) Public Enemy

61) The Red Hot Chili Peppers

60) INXS

59) Jane’s Addiction

58) Nine Inch Nails

57) The White Stripes

56) The Beastie Boys

55) Weezer

54) Sly and the Family Stone

53) Metallica

52) Aerosmith

51) Radiohead

50) Van Halen

49) The Sex Pistols

48) Blondie

47) Crosby, Stills, and Nash

46) Sam Cooke

45) The Grateful Dead

44) Joni Mitchell

43) Guns ‘N Roses

42) ELO

41) Talking Heads

40) Marvin Gaye

39) Chuck Berry

38) Ray Charles

36) Fleetwood Mac

36) Black Sabbath

35) Aretha Franklin

34) The Velvet Underground

33) Nirvana

32) Simon & Garfunkel

31) Elton John

30) Eric Clapton

29) Madonna

28) The Replacements

27) The Pixies

26) The Doors

25) AC/DC

24) The Police

23) James Brown

22) Otis Redding

21) Queen

20) Michael Jackson

19) Pink Floyd

18) Bob Marley

17) Neil Young

16) Stevie Wonder

15) David Bowie

14) The Beach Boys

13) U2

12) The Who

11) The Kinks

10) Bruce Springsteen

9) Prince

8) Jimi Hendrix

7) Elvis Presley

6) Led Zeppelin

5) The Clash

4) Johnny Cash

3) The Rolling Stones

2) The Beatles

1) Bob Dylan 

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No Eagles, eh? That's harsh!