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DECEMBER 30, 2008 12:14PM

A Heretic Semi-seriously Ponders the Bible

Rate: 7 Flag

With Christmas and the accompanying Bible-centric shows featured on PBS and basic cable last week, I’ve found myself contemplating the Bible again. Here are a few recent ponderings: 

  • If Satan and God were to replay their wager from the Book of Job, could think of a more deserving test subject then the pious George W. Bush? 

  • Let me get this straight: God is the supernatural being responsible for goodness and Satan is the supernatural being responsible for leading humankind astray and tempting us into acts of evil. Yet, Christianity is monotheistic? Hmmmm….

  • Speaking of the Devil, he seems kind of passive-aggressive for the Prince of Darkness, dontcha think? I mean the last time Satan directly confronted God (that we know of) was when he tempted Jesus in the wilderness for 40 days. But for the last 2000 years he’s been trying to piss off God not by engaging him directly, but by provoking humans to be bad.  It's like antagonizing your neighbors' kids because you hate that the dad mows the lawn at 7:00am on Saturdays. Grow up, Satan and deal with God like an adult!

    And what’s with God obstinately tolerating Satan’s childish petulance? I think there’s something more going between those two that we don’t yet know about. Color me suspicious.

  • If, in these modern times, you found yourself as young person who is the miracle-working Messiah/Son of God, you knew that your Ministerial duties were only required during the last three years of your 33-year life, and you knew that your life between the age of 12 and 30 will be forever lost to history, what would you do with those 18 years?

    Me? I’d probably set up shop in Baja, learn to surf, and take up instruments like guitar and piano.

  • Saint Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:14: “Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?” But yet:

    jesus  

    Oopsie. Personally, I think we need more portraits of Jesus wearing a jewfro.

  • It is said that Jesus lived a sinless life; does that really mean that Jesus never performed an act that would be categorized a sin, or is “sinless” meant in the Nixonian sense: “When the President does it, that means it is not illegal”? Perhaps when Jesus does it, it is not a sin?

  • Another question about Jesus and sin - While reading about the recent controversy around the Pope’s remarks about “saving humanity from homosexuality”, I learned that the Catholic Church doesn’t view homosexuality as sinful, it views homosexual acts as sinful.

    So if Jesus lived a sinless life, and homosexuality is not a sin, that means that Catholics have to be open to the non-provable/non-disprovable possibility that Jesus was a homosexual, right? 
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Have you ever heard the John Prine song, "Jesus: The Missing Years"?
High Lonsome: No, I haven't heard that song.
Or read the Christopher Moore book, "Lamb"?
No, I haven't read "Lamb".
That would provide an alternative scenario to the missing years, one that involves Tibetan monks and a yeti. And it would make you laugh so hard your stomach would hurt.
I'll add "Lamb" to my library list. Thanks for the heads up; it sounds great.
Nice analysis. There is so much hypocrisy, is there not?
I'll play devils advocate for you.

If Satan and God were to replay their wager from the Book of Job,
Part of what Job lost was his reputation, God would have to give it back to George before he could take it away. Redundant effort, not the hallmark of the supreme being.

Christianity is monotheistic? :
Satan is an angle, not gods equal.

he’s been trying to piss off God not by engaging him directly :
It isn't judgement day, Gabriels horn has not sounded, the field of Armageddon is still clear. He'll engage God when he's ready, until then he's recruiting his human army.

And what’s with God obstinately tolerating Satan’s childish petulance?
He's doing Gods will, why stop him. This isn't about Satan, his fate is sealed. The book reveals the outcome at Armageddon, he can't stand against the Glory that is the Throne. Satan will to spend eternity in the outer darkness. It's about us. God gave us free will precisely for this moment, will the human race stand with God, or Satan? The book says all demographics break heavily for Satan.

Saint Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:14
Saints can screw up, only God is infallible (Catholics like to claim the Pope is infallible, but they know that's silly).

It is said that Jesus lived a sinless life;
A lot of stuff gets said, Jesus never claimed he was without sin. He actually suggested the opposite...” Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.” He couldn't stone the adulterous either (though it was a religious duty), so he tacitly admits to sin.

I learned that the Catholic Church doesn’t view homosexuality as sinful, it views homosexual acts as sinful.
Lustfully thinking about homosexual sex is a sin (it's actually a couple of them). If you don't think lustfully about homosexual sex you could technically skip into heaven as some kind of theoretical homosexual, though don't expect God to be pleased.
That's a mighty big camel to fit through the eye of that needle though, don't you think?

Jesus was a homosexual,
He was a Rabbi, he had a religious obligation to procreate.
What say I? I say you're just a little trouble maker.

And that's just one of the things I like about you! :-)
"If Jesus does it, it's not a sin" I LOL'ed!
great use of humor and logic. i love the "jewfro" comment. never thought to put the popular Jesus picture with 1st Cor 11.14. good observation.