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OldCootCork Corcoran

OldCootCork Corcoran
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Former TV on air critic dude, full time freelance writer and author, who for decades earned his living primarily with his sense of humor. Now in the Blogosphere, at BreakingSatire@Blogspot.com. Lifetime honors include seven Emmys, two kids who are not messed up and the same wife he started out with. You may twit with him at “OldCootCork” befriend him as “John Pesky Corcoran” or Linked in with John "The Cork" Corcoran.

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Salon.com
JANUARY 29, 2011 3:23PM

Rectum? Darn Near Killed ‘um

Rate: 1 Flag

Any athletic competition that allows an involuntary colonoscopy by your opponent is not a sport, it's an S&M party, a medical procedure, or how dogs would greet each other if they had fingers. I guess I’m just old fashioned that way.

I mention this because a seventeen-year-old high school athlete recently had sexual battery charges dropped after he successfully claimed a move he used while wrestling was legal, not an assault. The move, called a “butt drag,”  involves jamming your hand into your opponents nether regions. Sometimes that results in one or more fingers straying up the rectum.

The executive director of the National Wrestling Coaches Association, Mike Moyer, said some coaches think the Butt Drag should be banned because the hand sometimes slips down to the opponent’s Hamstring, an unfair advantage. So, let’s see if I got this right. Hand on Hamstring? Problem. Finger up the bum? No problem.

I'm old enough to remember when wrestling didn’t require a Grand Jury. Back in the day, legends like Gorilla Monsoon, Gorgeous George and the Australian Kangaroos prowled, swished and hopped around the squared circle and made professional wrestling an art form.

         And who didn’t love watching the original fat guy of wrestling, Haystacks Calhoun? Haystacks, a living puddle of upright cholesterol, tipped the Toledos at about 650 pounds plus tax, sported a scraggly beard, and favored Dr. Denton style coveralls. He wore a warning label that read: "Do Not Feed During Match," and came with his own Zip Code and weather system.

        

Haystacks' favorite move was bashing an opponent on the head with his lucky horseshoe.  It always amazed me how Haystacks could sneak the weapon into the ring without being found out by gimlet-eyed referees checking grapplers for contraband. But refs would give just Calhoun a wink, a ceremonial air-frisk and say, "You look fine to me, Stack-man." The match would start and Haystacks would redecorate his opponent’s noggin with Secretariat’s footgear, then lapdance on the unfortunate bastard until he was flattened. The opponent was then put in a cab, returned to his residence and slipped under the door.

          Nowadays, pro wrestling has interchangeable characters and predictable outcomes. Rule of Thumb: the guy with the gaudier nickname always wins. For instance "The Ominous Nightmare of Certain Death" will inevitably top "Skippy" Jones. Another tip off? Haberdashery.

         "Ominous" shows up in a spandex Muumuu, a death mask, a black cape, spiked boots, and weighs 400 pounds including codpiece. He is accompanied by an entourage--his manager, a beauty, a tag team partner, an ex-tag team partner, six bodyguards, a tax attorney, a publicist and someone named "Mr. Moto". 

         "Skippy" weighs 160 pounds soaking wet, and is accompanied only by next-of-kin there to claim the body. He wears a gray Speedo from Sears and the look of a deer caught in the headlights. The match ends with Skippy on a stretcher and "Ominous" promoting next week's cage match.

Practicing psychologists, Freudian scholars, and other non-athletes have debated the so-called homoerotic aspects of sport for millennia. It began in the early days of the Olympics in Greece where contestants performed nude, thus exposing places now covered with a jock, a cup, and uniform pants. Nude wrestling most resembled the naked hotel match in the movie “Borat,” only with less nausea and more laughs. Another little known fact: before each naked Greco-Roman match began, opponents saluted each other by joining hands and singing show tunes.

 Track stars learned the lack of clothing would add speed. Some track events demanded caution, however. Relay racers, for instance, had to be particularly careful during the baton pass. A heavily-favored relay team from Athens was disqualified once when a runner missed the baton, grabbed the next closest thing and towed his teammate half way around the track.

Elapsed time in the Hurdles, however, improved once uniforms and jocks were mandated. Previously, runners lost valuable seconds when they stopped at each hurdle, cupped their goodies, and carefully climbed over.Haystacks

With the butt drag legal and TV standards continuing to drop, nude sports may soon return. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pitch a reality show to Fox.

 

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