Where I Live: Outside Los Angeles, CA.
Where I Vacated: Kennebunkport, ME.
Why Kennebunkport? Because I so admire George H.W. Bush, who also Summers there.
Categorization of Last Comment: Cynicism with a pinch of Irony.
Real reason I went there: Relatives, lobstuhs, and the ceaseless need to observe Yuppies in their natural habitat.
Vacation Habitat: Rented home near water—too near water at times.
Uninvited Guest: Hurricane Irene
Was the Weather Good? Ayup. Except for Hurricane.
Note to Journalistic Purists: Technically, Irene was a tropical depression by the time it reached Kennebunkport.
Second Note to Journalistic Purists: What are you doing reading this? Don’t you have anything better to do?
Method of Transport to Site: Aircraft, Car, Gossamer Wings.
Aviation note: Virgin America charges $25 a bag for checked luggage.
Advice: Wear all your clothing when you fly Virgin America.
Favorite Meal on Plane: Animal Crackers.
Favorite Marx Brothers Movie: Ditto.
Least Popular Sound on Plane: Unhappy infant wailing I pagliacci vesti la giubba as performed by a herniated Luciano Pavarotti with tacks in his eyes and while being water-boarded.
Question Angrily Asked of me in the terminal: “Was that your baby?”
What I said: “No.”
What I wish I’d said: “Yes, that’s why we left him on the plane.”
Lobstuhs & Hurricanes: Shortly after Irene blew by, local Lobstuhman hauled in 798 pounds of Lobstuh in a single day, a personal best.
Anecdotal Conclusion: Hurricanes are good for Lobstuh fishing.
Possible Alternate Conclusion: Fishermen lie.
Biggest effect of Hurricane Irene on me: 24-hours without power.
Unexpected Feeling: I felt sorry for President Obama.
Why? Powerlessness sucks.
Who I saw in Maine I hadn’t seen in years: Old friend from Boston.
Where? At a saloon in Portland.
Why Portland? He has a pied a terre on nearby island.
How he looked: Tanned, rested and not the least bit dissipated.
How I looked: None of the above.
Hot Entertainment outside Pub in Portland: Man with tinfoil-wrapped box on his head playing guitar while a woman played a musical saw and sang “Stardust.”
You’re making that up, right? Sadly, no.
Next Gig: Shot on new series, “Maybe America Really Doesn’t Have Talent.”
Who we did not see in New England: Gentleman vintner friend who Summers in New Hampshire.
Why not? Hurricane Irene with accompanying rain, wind, floods, destruction, locusts, fire ants, and rabid Sea Lions cancelled plans.
You’re making that up, right? A little. Never actually saw fire ants.
Side Note: Friend had to return to his vineyard to harvest his Topo Gigio grapes--excuse me--his Pinot Grigio grapes before storm hit.
My Favorite Wine before Marriage: Ripple.
Only Non-negotiable Item in Marital Pre-Nup: I may never again drink Ripple.
What You May Rightly Conclude: All I know about wine is that the quality of the box it comes in does not directly relate to the quality of the wine contained therein.
Major Activity in Kennebunkport: Eating Lobstuhs and Vanilla ice cream w/blueberries.
Previously Unimaginable Discovery: One can get tired of eating Lobstuhs & Vanilla ice cream w/blueberries.
My Ailment on Trip: What I thought was a pimple on my back was actually a festering, puss-filled, grotesque, infected subcutaneous thingy needing immediate medical attention.
How I found out: Thingy popped and left permanent blood stain on old t-shirt with former employer’s logo.
Status of Shirt: Still worn. Tell people stain is where the knife went in.
Status of Me: Went to Urgent Care place. Got urgent pills. Took pills urgently. Grimaced for sympathy. Later ate Lobstuhs and Vanilla ice cream w/blueberries.
Prognosis: I’ll be ready for the playoffs.
What did I learn? Pimples sometimes aren’t.
Upside of Vacation: Saw remnants of Hurricane. Had Lobstuh. Avoided 105-degree heat in LA. Chatted up relatives. Ate good food. Bought a hat.
Downside of Vacation: Gained too much weight. Car battery died while gone. Missed seeing some people I wanted to see. Too many tourists. Wife missed seeing Barbara Bush walking dog on beach by two minutes
Miscellaneous Knowledge Gained: Weathercasters in New England know their stuff. If your Barista is talking to her boyfriend, come back later, or accept that your latte will be all but undrinkable. Maine has bugs, including No-see-ums and EEE-carrying mosquitoes. Add meat to vegetarian lasagna, and it is delicious. Tofu should be re-categorized as Industrial Waste. In a pinch, a decent Cab works as a breakfast wine. Bring mud shoes to Maine.