By John Corcoran, Jr.

NORTH POLE, (Dec 22): Here’s the latest from the North Pole. As reported here in July, Santa Claus Industries laid off more than 50 Elves last summer, citing recessionary pressures for the cutback.  A wildcat strike by remaining workers fizzled in early September, however, and toy output suffered minimal interruptions. Indications are there may be labor troubles next year when the Elves contract is up.

According to union spokesman Sneezy, “Management is trying to cut benefits and retirement pay, trim wages for current workers and establish a two-tier payment system for future hires.”

An experienced labor official, Sneezy served as shop representative when the Seven Dwarfs struck against Snow White in 1937. He is credited with penning the slogan: “Hi-ho hi-ho, to work we aint gonna go!” His efforts helped produce a contract that included the first medical and dental coverage for hand-drawn fictional cartoon characters. As current day leader of the Brotherhood of Little Worker Dudes and Dudettes, Local 157, Sneezy continues his reputation as a tough but fair negotiator—except during pollen season.

 Aging System Slows Delivery 

Meanwhile, Santa Claus has hinted that children may choose “to get a little extra sleep” Christmas morning,” suggesting some deliveries may be delayed.  “We have an aging delivery system, and some workers who should have retired years ago.”

Mr. Claus has defended recent policies of sending much of his toy making work overseas where labor costs are lower. “We try to save money wherever we can, and homegrown Elves just can’t keep up. It’s just good business policy on our part.”

Mr. Claus added that it is his goal to hold down expenses so he can continue to deliver lots of toys to good little girls and boys without charge. He would not rule out a potential future surcharge for rude or ill-mannered children.

Sleigh Upgrades Underway 

Meanwhile, work continues around the clock on upgrading Santa’s One Horse Open Sleigh to make sure it complies with new FAA regulations. All flying sleighs must now carry full anti-collision lights, conflict avoidance radar and have Cat 3 Instrument landing systems installed. Last year’s near miss with an Air Canada 767 over Saskatoon, Saskatchewan helped expedite the changes. Santa told reporters that, “it will be close, but I’m betting everything will be a go by Christmas night.” Mr. Claus insisted additional anti-collision lights are unnecessary, claiming,  “Rudolph with his nose so bright still can guide my sleigh at night.” 

The high cost of fuel has been an issue in recent years.  Mr. Claus refused to confirm or deny rumors that to improve mileage he might re-schedule his route to include passage over recent GOP debate sites. Some believe hot air still rising from the events could provide added lift and improve sleigh mileage. 

Some analysts fear that despite reassurances, delays may occur because of Claus Industries aging and injury-prone tow staff. Mr. Claus admitted that several reindeer have been brought up from his Practice Squad, but wasn’t sure if they would be ready by Christmas Eve.  “Shirker and Ditzy are definitely not up to speed,” Mr. Claus said,  “but Blondie, our first platinum reindeer, has already learned the playbook, and may be ready to step in.” 

Meanwhile, here is the official injury list submitted to league offices earlier today. (The likelihood of participation is based on the NFL injury reporting system.)

Definitely Will Fly:  Vixen, Donner

Probable:  Santa (Gout, Beard Lice) Blitzen, (Senile Dementia)

 Questionable:  Prancer (Hamstring, Turf Hoof), Dasher (Flu, Harness Rash) Mrs. Claus (Just plain had it up to here with Santa’s shenanigans.)

Doubtful: Rudolph (Blown bulb, Groin) Dancer (Plantar Fasciitis) Comet (Sprained tail), Cupid (Arrow through heart.)

 Any further updates will be passed along as they become available.