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OldCootCork Corcoran

OldCootCork Corcoran
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Former TV on air critic dude, full time freelance writer and author, who for decades earned his living primarily with his sense of humor. Now in the Blogosphere, and playwright in Hollywood area. Lifetime honors include seven Emmys, two kids who are not messed up and the same wife he started out with. You may twit with him at “OldCootCork” befriend him as “John Pesky Corcoran” or Linked in with John "The Cork" Corcoran.

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Salon.com
MARCH 5, 2012 4:02PM

Ricky’s Tricky Birth Control Ban? Justa Buncha Bull

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  What’s all this fuss about Rick Santorum wanting to ban birth control?

You may have read that the Sweater-vest Yenta from the Great State of Regression has declared open season on lady parts.  Nothing new about that.  This is roughly the same policy as the Roman Catholic Church, which for eons only allowed the plug, pull, spray and pray technique, or something called the “Rhythm Method” for birth control. The Rhythm Method uses a formula involving female bloat, milady’s snappishness, Kotex count and phases of the Moon to guess when she’s least likely to get knocked up.

While Santorum’s proposals may seem original, they’re not. In a famous Irish religious dictum, Holy Mother the Church, or as it’s known in Gaellic, Holy Mother the Charch, settled the matter in 1934 with a controversial Papal Bull.  

In that official missive, Pope Pius XI quickly reconfirmed his own Papal Infallibility. This meant his Bull and all subsequent issue from the Bull became Catholic Law. (If you’ve ever been up to your neck in Bull Issue, you’ll understand Catholic Law.)

The 1934 Bull began with the now familiar Latin declaration “Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure”, which translates roughly to: “Eh, I’m the Pope and what I say goes, capiche?” But even before it was issued, Pope Pius XI used a line item veto to remove a Bull Rider attached by Anthony Cardinal Winona of Tuscany. The Winona Rider would have banned shoplifting Pepperoni Pizza during Lent.

The Bull settled the case of Mrs. Faith N. Begorruh of Ireland’s County Cutesy Pootsy Biddleyboo vs. Holy Mother the Charch. Mrs. Begorruh had requested permission from her Parish Priest, Father Phrancis O’Flerphity (pronounced Francis O’Phlerfity) to use artificial birth control.

Mrs. Begorruh pleaded: “I have twelve little children who live in a shoe. If I have one more kid, I won’t know what to do. So, is it okay Father, if I make me old man put a Jimmy Cap on his Wanger? ”

            “Have you tried putting an Aspirin between your knees?” the Padre countered.

“Sure and that’s how we we had children number six, seven and eleven, me boys Patty, Patty Jr. And Patty with Cheese.”

“Sorry. The guy in the pointy hat won’t allow it, and I’m pretty sure in 80 years an all male US Senate panel will back him up. So when your husband rolls you over in the middle of the night for a quick bonk, you must use the rhythm method.”

“Rhythm? Where am I to find a band at 3 o’clock in the Morning?” 

Mrs. Begorruh’s appeal to Rome resulted in Pope Pius’s strict interpretation, mitigated only slightly by the Emergency Tug Job Bull of 2005.

In 2012, Presidential candidate and former Senator from the 15th Century Rick Santorum offered support for the banning of birth control. Some people are in high dudgeon over it, others welcome it with open arms and closed legs.

Many American population experts fear there will be a surge in new births in the United States if this policy is ever enacted. They argue that the nation’s strained infrastructure, stressed out parents, and overburdened school systems cannot support the population surge certain to follow. 

To this, I say Harrumph, Twaddle and Balderdash, coincidentally, also the name of my law firm.

The latest reputable, peer-approved, replicated, scientific research findings I just made up indicate that if Santorum is elected, at least half the populace of America will move overseas.  The outflow of reasonable, humane, college-educated, non-moronic, women respecting, and/or Fascist-despising Americans to other countries will far outnumber the amount of unexpected, unplanned, and unwanted children Santorum’s policies would cause.

And then, it’s not America’s problem.

 

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I remain hopeful that Mr. Santorum's delusions aren't catching. I guess we'll see.
Take heart, remember whither came Senator Santorum? Nowhere if memory fails you. That's where you will find him next fall.