"When one door closes another one opens." I am totally convinced that all things happen for a reason. She will most likely not want to hear that or will reject it, but there's a reason. I hope she gets her number 2 choice. Perhaps that's the one she's meant to go to...

All the best
(rated)

OK, now my curiosity's up. Cooper's Union? Raennaelear? (or however you spell it). Rose-Hulman? Harvey-Mudd? I'm trying to think of all the really small ones.

You know that this is the single largest class to apply for college, don't you? I know it doesn't help, but the odds were so stacked against her.

We went through this last year and I don't feel even the littlest bit more informed about it than I was the year before that. The entire process didn't enlighten me or make me feel secure. It's just one big negative experience as far as I'm concerned. My son was a National Merit Scholar and scored higher than anyone I've ever known on the ACT and SAT. Still he was rejected from Carnegie-Mellon. WTF? And still we pay big bucks for the public university he now attends. I don't feel like we played it right at all, and that depresses the hell out of me. Sorry for the bummer addition to your post.

Thanks for your support, Greg. I'm sure I'll be dealing with loads of tears this afternoon. I think she's already been accepted into the school she should attend but I'm trying to keep my mouth shut.

Loved your thought that we get where we are supposed to be. My High Honors daughter is a junior and beginning the process. I tell her that over and over.

Lainey I feel your pain. It has become a lousy system. And she does know the odds. Her scores are great, she's got all kinds of acheivement on her resume but to me it still feels like a crap shoot. (I'll let you know by PM where she was rejected.)

You're not being a bummer, you're being realistic. And a big dose of that is a good thing.

I'm sorry to hear that. There's a lot of heartache in the college application process, which is unfortunate because in the long run it doesn't matter that much. In my opinion.

Oh, I have such deep sympathy for this; I still have some memories of my own college rejections. And yeah, they hurt for a while, but ultimately... I'm with Greg, I think this is a case where other doors open, and those doors will be for the best. It's hard to trust the admissions committee, but that's what you have to do.
Plus, if she's miserable at some other place, she can always try to transfer later.
Good luck!

jimmy I really believe that. I graduated from a huge university after having a terrible time at a small school where I didn't feel "right." Let your daughter know that she's loved no matter what.

Rob, thanks and I agree with you. It matters a little bit for a small window of time but with her skill and intellect I'm sure she'll be okay.

Saturn, yeah, it's so painful, but it's not like she's been accepted at PoDunk U. She's going to have some big choices to make soon. And there are other doors open to her.

To all of you commenting here, I really appreciate your support.

We're just starting this path. My son already missed his first choice school because he did not have his application ready by the deadline. I told him lack of action, as well as action, can have consequences. He will weather the storm, he has four more schools he is applying to. Somehow, he will wind up in a good place.
All you can say is that there is always someone out there who is better, but that doesn't mean we should stop striving to be the best. Not all goals are attainable, but there is merit in the attempt.

Thumbed.

Thanks, jane. I'll pass the hug along.

Bill, I'm just don't think everyone can get into every school they want. Missing the deadline for the application is a good lesson. I made my daughter do an application at 10 one night because the school was going to add an application fee after midnight. She got in early action and they've offered her a scholarship.

At least we're done doing the applications. But that's another post.

She is lucky to being going straight to college. Not many kids have that privilege. Higher learning is damn expensive. fingered.

Your sentence "we end up in the place that is right for us" speak volumes regarding this matter. Despite her desire to attend this school, she is being directed to the right school for her and her hopes & dreams. Many times in life there are situations & opportunities that we think are right for us, but due to outside forces we are redirect which bring greater reward & happiness.

Being the talented bright young lady she is, this opportunity will provide a look beyond this place and at the large world that stands before her.

all the best..

BBE, you're right about that. Many people don't have that opportunity. Thanks for your comment.

George, perhaps we all spend too much time saying "what if," time that could be better spent figuring out other things to do and learn. In "The Sound of Music" I think it's the Reverend Mother who says that when God closes a door he always opens a window. Hopefully she's got enough perspective to see it. As always, thanks for your thoughts.

It is tough for the middle adolescent to learn the lesson that things don't go according to plan. At that age there is still a sense of logic and fairness...if I work hard, I will be rewarded. As such the issue of the thin envelope becomes seen as a reject of them rather than the issue of too many qualified applicants for the number of spaces available.

But I know that you will support her beautifully through this challenge and she will rally. Resilience is such an important lesson to be learned at this age.

Oh, this is such a tough thing at her age! I am waiting right now for the fat envelope. I'm doing a mid-life career change. Yikes. Rated.

Like Greg says, the right door will open and in the long run she will be sooo glad she didn't settle for 2nd best. Good luck to her!

Oh, wow, COS. What a painful piece of news to receive when she's sick! Learning to live with such disappointments is extremely valuable, but it sure hurts. I'll be thinking of her, and you.

teendoc you hit the nail on the head. At this age they have an acute senses of right and wrong and justice and fairness. It's rough to have that challenged. But it's necessary, too. Thanks so much for your support.

singpretty, she's already received TWO big envelopes so she's got options. I hope your plans turn out the way you want.

I do feel your pain, and hers. One of my children is in her third year at the state university. She did very well in the AP tests she took, and she got a letter just like that one. She has now changed her major and is better for it. she agrees with me on that.

Unuversity is hard to get into right now. Universities are hard to get into just as the recession bites hard and folks return to re-train.
Tuition goes up faster than wages. It hurts us all in the end.
Wish her good luck.

neilpaul, I first went someplace with lake effect snow. Bad move. Then I went to BU which at first glance looked too huge, but gave me lots of options. I didn't come out the political science major I went it to be.

The "six billion fellow contestants" line is great. Just hope we aren't all waiting for the same Bob Barker to tell us when to "come on down." Thanks for your wise words.

Ric I have a lot of confidence that she'll wind up where she's supposed to be. Thank you for your good wishes.

High Lonesome I don't think we get to choose when we receive less than good news, but it's never easy. Thank you for your positive thoughts.

I have a freshman in college and a sophomore in hs who is just starting to get college mail. It's a nerve-wracking process. I'm very sorry for your daughter's disappointment, but it seems like there should be some top-notch schools and scholarships for girls who want to pursue engineering. Both my girls are interested in Asian language and cultural studies, so I have some hope that they can travel and work in a related field. Good luck to your daughter.

Mission, thanks for the commiseration. I don't think there's a magic formula to getting in to school, no matter how many AP courses you take or how high your scores. And it is going to get tighter and tighter figuring out how to pay for all that education.

Thanks for your good wishes. I'll be sure to pass them along.

aw. I'm sorry. But hey, she's got some other options. Here's knowing that college will be the experience of a lifetime in any case and so, good luck to her. Let us know what she decides to do!

undertow, it IS nerve-wracking. Mostly for her because I'm convinced she'll be okay. She's gotten several offers of scholarships from other schools. Sounds like your daughters have picked a great niche. Thank you for your support.

Aaron, she's still got 4 applications outstanding and 2 acceptances. This is the first rejection. And my dad would agree with Rob that UMass is a fine place to be. Thanks for the pointer to Illinois and thanks for your kind thoughts.

odette, that's the truth. She's got lots of options. I'll be sure to keep everybody informed. Thanks for your comments and your interest.

"firmly believe that we get to where we are supposed to be."

me too COS , she'll be ok . could take a while though .

I'm late to the party.
has anybody yet pointed out that someday, this short sighted university might regret their error?

When it comes to college acceptances, you are absolutely right. You may think you want a certain school, but the fact of the matter is that you will find out more about yourself from not getting your first choice. Every school has its strengths and weaknesses, and learning how to adapt to the best of what you've got is a life skill, one that the sooner she learns it, the sooner she'll find she's strong, independent -- like her very cool mom.

Trig, I'm sure she'll be okay. We'll do some shots of chicken noodle soup for the cold and lots of hugs for the soul. Thanks for your kindness.

Brian, they might yet regret their error. When the Nobel committee writes, I'll be sure to fax a copy to the school. Thank you for your support!

She can always march into the Admissions office, ask for a sit down with the commitee and state her case why they are losing out on having her as an asset to the school. Tell them to let her prove her chops in Summer term, it is usually open admission, and if she makes the grade, she stays. That's how I got into the school of my choice, I just said No to the letter and got in my car. Teach her to fight for what she believes is the best choice for her. She's worth it, or she wouldn't have applied. Time to put the gloves on and Cowgirl up! Best of Luck, if you need me to show up, I will.

Liz I think adaptation is a very important lesson to learn. She's had a large share of learning to adapt (but that's another story) but this may be her first lesson in the grown-up world. She's very cool in her own right, but thank you for the compliment. And thank you for your very kind support.

Snap, that's certainly one way of approaching it. This school works differently from others, though, so I'm not sure your method would work. It sounds similar to the way I got into the university I graduated from; just walked in and proved myself with a 4.0 semester. If my cowgirl needs backup, I'll give you a call. Thanks for your encouragement!

A now deceased columnist by the name of David Nyhan wrote about this annually with kids like your daughter being the target audience. Not sure if it can be googled, but it was really quite good.

Well, shoot. Sorry to hear this. I wish there was no such thing as a thin envelope - in a perfect world everyone who could benefit from it would get the best education possible.

I never got a thin envelope, but I did have to sit through my mom explaining that after I busted my ass to get into my chosen school with a 2/3 scholarship, 2/3 still wasn't enough for me to afford to go. Sucks.

I hope your daughter flourishes wherever she ends up!

I'm not religious so I don't tend to have the “we get to where we are supposed to be” point of view. But I think we are where we are and all we can ever do is move forward. A school is a tool, and, as they say, it's a poor workman that blames his tools. You take what you're dealt and do your best with it, as people have done forever. As Brian B effectively says, or at least implies, the best revenge is living well.

Wasn't there some guy in the Apollo 13 rescue who comes from a school that isn't one of the big notable ones and yet was in the right place at the right time to be the guy that saves the day? When you're good at something, it doesn't matter who made you that way.

Geoff, thanks. So far I've only come up with his obit from the Globe but I'll keep searching to see what I can find.

Allie, that's the other side of the college application mess. We're looking for lots of scholarships, that's for sure. Thank you for your kind wishes.

Kent you're thinking of John Aaron, lead EECOM at Mission Control in Houston, who graduated from Southwestern Oklahoma State University with a degree in physics in 1964. And he's one of my personal heroes for his cool, intellectual handling of some of the biggest mission problems NASA had.

It's not the school you get into, it's the education you get out of the school. Thank you for your kind comments and for reminding me of John Aaron.

Coyote: Found the Nyhan piece here: http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2008/03/10/the_college_rejection_letter/

"It's not the school you get into, it's the education you get out of the school"

Make sure she hears that, Coyote, and she'll be ok. It's not like she doesn't have good alternatives, adn she sounds like the kind of student who'll get the best out of opportunities no matter where she ends up. It's never too early to learn how to take adversity and move ahead

Best wishes to her and you

I wish schools would do it the way my last university gig did it. We would always let them know WHY they were being rejected, and suggest ways they could improve their chances of acceptance. But, it was a small liberal arts/medical sciences school.

It does seem things happen for a reason.......Perhaps it is our mutability and openness that straightens the curves thrown at us.
I think when she does go to the place she finally chooses, she will see quite a few reasons why it is good things worked out that way.

She sounds like a very good daughter......I'm happy for you....

Heartfelt post! I feel for your daughter, too. I don't know if you want to go there, esp as the school is so selective, but my partner's son got into his first choice school on an academic appeal after first being rejected. But that was also because he'd raised his grades senior year and also got a couple of great rec letters from teachers. Doesn't sound like your daughter needs to raise her grades, but I don't know if there's any other way she can appeal and/or get on a waiting list.

still, I'm with you -- I think often our first choices don't work out in life but we find that the alternative that does work out is better. (and conversely, I've known more than one kid who got into their dream college and HATED it!)

Thank you, Geoff, I'll be sure to give it a read.

Roy, that's what she and I have been talking about (in between bowls of medicinal chicken soup). I appreciate your positive comments and your support.

Cat, the letter she got did say that her credentials were excellent but that they had 900 applications for 84 spots. It would be nice to know why but sometimes I wonder if the admissions people even know why. Do you think some tea might help?

It will probably be some time before your daughter can see the humor in this Jack Handey piece, but for that time:

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,
[your name]

Gary perhaps we are thrown curves just for that purpose -- to make us more resilient and able to change with the situation. She is indeed a good daughter and I'm proud of her every day. Thank you for your kindness and your thoughts.

Silkstone, you might be right that the alternative works out better. We can't always know how things are going to turn out and sometimes we get stuck in our own perception of the imagined outcome. Maybe that's why it's good to have an obstacle once in a while. Thanks for the good thoughts and words.

Rob that's priceless! When the disappointment isn't so acute I'll point her at it. She's actually doing pretty well right now. Or maybe her cold has dulled her reaction.

Thanks for the humor!

JK thank you for the support. The pain will subside in time and I have no doubt that she'll be a success because she already is. I'll keep you posted for sure. Thank you!

I'm a bit late as usual and think you already have some very wise comments.

My own take on the process is different than most and is not all that popular. But I will just state it so you have another perspective on this whole thing.

I believe that the colleges and universities create an illusion that the parents and kids bite on that says that there is only one possible place, theirs, where you can get a good education and be rewarded appropriately. To me that is just patent nonsense.

And the truth is that once you are out of college what you do in your first job means so much more. How many of us really can say that because, in my case for instance, I did my post grad work at Colorado and Cornell that is was better or worse off than had I done it at Michigan and Brown?

In any case the undergraduate degree today is far less important now than when that was all the further the best and the brightest went. It was more important when I went in the 60s but even then it really didn't matter that much.

It took me one extra year to get to the school of my choice. I graduated from Wichita U with a very high grade level, got a scholarship to Colorado, aced my first Master's there, and had my pick of any Ivy League school as my grad school grades were then perfect. So I picked Cornell because it had the best rep in my field and offered the best honors scholarship package.

I know this isn't a very popular view but its how I see it. Hell, there are parents around here crying because they can't get into their preferred pre-school, and then they fight for the right to send their kids to the "best" grade school, etc. It is to me rather unreal.

None of this will soothe the pain your daughter feels. Nobody likes rejection and nobody likes to change plans. But I think I know her Mom pretty well and a lot of TLC and quiet support can go a long way to helping speed the healing process.

Truthfully I imagine what she will need first is just to have someone who loves her to let her rant a bit. There will be time enough for advice after she gets some of the disappointment out on the table. Its always better for the "advice" to come from her anyway. She will eventually tell you where she will decide to go to school if you just provide what is called a "ministry of presence" which is the best kind of love you can give.

The two of you, COS, are strong, beautiful people and will get beyond this together.

Monte

Late comments but filled with good insight and advice, Monte. We've had some tears, some resignation, some hugs from Dad and some expressions of disappointment.

Higher education has become a commodity, selling itself as a product instead of as a service. It's up to us as parents to help our children understand this since the slick brochures and multiple mailings we receive portray schools as brands and their marketing is as serious as that of the advertisers during the Super Bowl.

And I have no doubt that in her chosen field, the source of her Ph.D. will be far more important than that of her B.S. Sad but true. She'll make a good choice of undergrad schools, I have no doubt, with guidance from her dad and I. And after her Bachelor's degree is finished she will know more about what choices she'll need to make career- and education-wise and hopefully the confidence to make them wisely.

Thank you for your input, your support and your counsel.

Just a note to say I'm sympatico. Life lessons are no laughing matter, and I'll be sending good thoughts your way. My 26-year-old might have some thoughts on this. Her first choice college wouldn't have been the right choice, and although I suspect your daughter won't see things the same way from her side of matriculation, she ought to know that things happen for a reason.

Most remarkable is the sincere caring shown toward her by your many OSticate friends.

Randy I'm overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of the OS family. I cannot tell you how many times today that I was made misty-eyed by comments and messages. In the midst of the harrassment uproar we have a sparkling example of the community that's been built here.

Thank you for your adding your kindness and encouragement.

My daughter is also going through this. She's not expecting any envelopes until March, since she chose not to do early acceptance, and I just keep hoping that her #1 choice, the only one she really wants to go to, takes her.
Coyote, I know I recommend this book a lot, but its message just so profoundly affected me. Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet, which is full of the message that shit happens to us that we don't understand, and then someday in the future, the veil drops and we realize why the thing happened, and why we are what we are because of it.
Do you know this poem? I offer it to anyone who parents teenaged girls:
The Pomegranate
by Eavan Boland

The only legend I have ever loved is
the story of a daughter lost in hell.
And found and rescued there.
Love and blackmail are the gist of it.
Ceres and Persephone the names.
And the best thing about the legend is
I can enter it anywhere. And have.
As a child in exile in
a city of fogs and strange consonants,
I read it first and at first I was
an exiled child in the crackling dusk of
the underworld, the stars blighted. Later
I walked out in a summer twilight
searching for my daughter at bed-time.
When she came running I was ready
to make any bargain to keep her.
I carried her back past whitebeams
and wasps and honey-scented buddleias.
But I was Ceres then and I knew
winter was in store for every leaf
on every tree on that road.
Was inescapable for each one we passed.
And for me.
It is winter
and the stars are hidden.
I climb the stairs and stand where I can see
my child asleep beside her teen magazines,
her can of Coke, her plate of uncut fruit.
The pomegranate! How did I forget it?
She could have come home and been safe
and ended the story and all
our heart-broken searching but she reached
out a hand and plucked a pomegranate.
She put out her hand and pulled down
the French sound for apple and
the noise of stone and the proof
that even in the place of death,
at the heart of legend, in the midst
of rocks full of unshed tears
ready to be diamonds by the time
the story was told, a child can be
hungry. I could warn her. There is still a chance.
The rain is cold. The road is flint-coloured.
The suburb has cars and cable television.
The veiled stars are above ground.
It is another world. But what else
can a mother give her daughter but such
beautiful rifts in time?
If I defer the grief I will diminish the gift.
The legend will be hers as well as mine.
She will enter it. As I have.
She will wake up. She will hold
the papery flushed skin in her hand.
And to her lips. I will say nothing.

FLW that's a meaningful poem you placed here. Thank you. Life with my daughter could be a whole lot worse and we could have really awful setbacks to deal with. She's grieving and that's the right thing to do because without that step you cannot really move forward. Thanks for the pointer to Rilke as well. I don't have a copy and should. I appreciate your caring.

Having gone through this with four daughters, I think this whole process has gotten out of hand. There are hundreds of colleges that would be good for most students. Only with my third daughter did it truly matter where she went to college. She met her true love, her future husband, on Halloween toward the beginning of sophomore year.

Mary, it's true. It's a dog and pony show now to get into college. We visited a place yesterday that took the prospective students aside and had them play games for an hour. My daughter was aghast. She wanted to see the physics lab. Thanks for commenting.

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