CrabbyGolightly.com

Because It's Complicated.
JANUARY 3, 2009 11:52PM

Sky Mall: The Fix For Strapped-In Shop-A-Holics

Rate: 5 Flag

ALL ACROSS AMERICA, BORED FLIERS ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM HOLIDAY TRIPS ARE PERUSING THE UNINTENTIONAL HILARITY THAT IS THE SKY MALL.

I had the pleasure this year of window-shopping during a long, sweaty return flight from Florida in order to distract me from my biohazardous brother as he fought the good fight with strep throat.

As my brother whined and wheezed, I flipped through the pages and encountered products that can only be construed as breakthrough genius....or a waste of Earth's resources. You decide.


FLAIR HAIR VISOR        Flair Hair Visor
I know what you’re thinking. Is that…can it be…? Yes. That is douche-y, Gotti- kid hair GLUED into the visor. And the worst part is that there’s a version for kids too. $24.99



FOREST FACES                   Forest Faces
A sort-of modern totem pole for the crazed sports fan. Or maybe just a substitute for leaving your mark by pissing. Available with baseball and football team logos. These are freaky. Do not buy them. $19.99.



PORTABLE DESK                 Portable desk
Ever wonder what kind of asshole your co-worker must be to email you at 11:45PM on Saturday about some inane thing you can totally wait until Monday to deal with? He’s the same asshole that will buy the Portable Desk. Look at that smug bastard. I just wanna hit him. $39.99



NIGHT SWEAT ALARM
HEY YOU! YOU’RE SWEATING. Just an FYI. Yeah, that’s all this thing does –- wakes you up when you sweat. I don’t know about you, but usually, once my face or body is dripping, it’s because I got the fuck out of bed and went into the shower to cool off. A whopping $139.99


All jokes aside, there are some cool things in the catalog, like…well, there’s nothing in there that I’d buy. Or give as gifts. Or purchase in an ironic manner for friends. But somebody must buy this stuff, right?

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
Nice! I like the idea of the visor, targeted as it seems to be at people who so inept that they need help (and to spend $25 ) to become the butt of jokes.

Although with respect to the portable desk, I confess that I'm the kind of asshole who's considered buying such a thing. I've stood in too many lines for too long...
I think my husband and my doctor would also prefer that I get that desk. I do too much sitting in front of the computer!

Seriously, though, these things are for people who have too much money. A friend once told me about a time he was on a flight. That was back when you used the onboard phone with a credit card, and she purchased three things from this catalog. And the flight attendant asked her in all seriousness, "Ma'am, are you okay?' Must have been having some anxiety attack!

Hope the holidays delivered much more useful goodies to you!
I'm getting Mom Flair Hair.
This is my SkyMall pick:

http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=65421
Hi, all. Miz J here.

Rob and tequilaanddonuts (nice name - it sounds like the breakfast of champions!), the visor is evil. It's the next era of Trump-style cluelessness. We must stop it in its tracks!

Ilana, that table is AWESOME. Where did you find it? It's not in my catalog!