LITTLE BOY LOST
By Crabby Golightly
IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT, GENERALLY SPEAKING, WOMEN LIKE STRONG MEN WHO ARE BIG EARNERS. Sorry, feministas, it's a fact dictated by sociobiology.
Women also like it, generally, when their mates are capable of strategic thinking, sound judgment and bringing them to climax. Throw in some good looks, some height, and you got a baby maker in demand. Seems obvious, doesn't it?
Of course, there aren't enough of these alpha dream boats to go 'round, so women often settle for the dependable nice guy who takes out the trash and is easily led by the nose. It's not because they want to be the boss; they can't help but be it.
And so the couple -- let's say someone like John and Kate Gosselin -- get married and procreate, complicating their lives in ways they never could anticipate.
And though they love those wee ones more than life itself, the pathologies you never saw in your mate begin to emerge. But you're stuck; your burpy bundles of joy require love, feeding, holding, clothing, innoculations, toys, training, diapers, formula, burping, teeth-brushing, potty training, ass-wiping, braces, summer camps and on and on and on.
And so it's at this very point that wives find out just what their husbands are made of, and vice versa.
And when the "man" of the family requires nudging to do the simplest of tasks, needs detailed directions on what and what not to do, well then, that's when a woman becomes a bitch, begins nipping at his heels and baring pointy teeth. The man is emasculated, but the woman can't help it. Things have got to get done.
It's at that moment that the wife, the wrangler if you will, becomes a jagged edge in their side, a carpy who always wants things her way.
And so he begins to fantasize that things would be different with someone else. Someone younger, or maybe just closer to his emotional age, someone maybe like -- oh, Hailey Glassman.
And for a little while, he deludes himself into thinking it was all his wife' s fault: she's the dragon lady who breathed fire and scorched all the manhood out of him. And he celebrates with abandon with his new catch.
Until ultimately, she too gives birth and realizes what a pissant of a man you really are.