I. Production cost of the movie ……. $237,000,000 - $310,000,000

  

Cost of promotion for the film …….. $150,000,000

  

Cost of two 3D IMAX tickets, dinner for two and parking ….. $121.20

  

Two pair of bulky 3D glasses with lenses smudged by the fingerprints of 100 previous users ….. FREE

  

Projectionist who ran the first five minutes without the sound, causing me to miss some of the exposition and spend the next 20 minutes seething …..  OVERPAID

     

II. Avatar summed up in seven words: Ferngully* meets Dances With Wolves in 3D.

 

*For those of you who didn’t have small children in the early ‘90s, Ferngully was an animated film about destroying a rain forest.

      

III. Thought at the beginning of the film, when Jake and Grace are snippy to each other: They’ll be BFFs by movie’s end.  Check.

  

IV. Thought when Jake, who is confined to a wheelchair, steps out as an avatar for the first time: Oh, I get it, this is going to make him “whole.”  Check.

  

V. Thought in the middle of the film, when Jake and the Colonel are arguing: The movie will end with them going mano-a-mano.  Check.

  

VI. If I were a jarhead, would I be offended by Stephen Lang’s jingoistic caricature of a Marine colonel?   Yup.

  

VII. If I were a CEO, would I be offended by Giovanni Ribisi’s caricature of a rapacious, unsympathetic mining company exec?   Nah.

  

VIII. When James Cameron spent a gazillion dollars and used the most advanced technology available to make a film which criticizes the destructive effects of greed and technology, was he being ironic?  Yeah, right.

  

IX. Did Cameron invent things like the floating mountains of Pandora because they had an organic reason for existence or just because he thought they’d look cool?  Are you serious?  

X. Could Cameron have come up with a more ridiculous name for the element being mined in Pandora than “unobtainium?” How about “bloatedbudgetium?” “Egomanium?” “Kingoftheworldium?”

  

XI. Should I be impressed that Cameron invented a whole language for the Na’vi?  No, he could have just used Esperanto and I wouldn’t have been the wiser.  Though Pig Latin would have been cool.

  

XII. When you saw Zoe Saldana as the Na’vi woman, did you contemplate the possibilities of an intimate relationship with an alien being?  Is my wife reading this?  She is?  Then - no, I didn’t.

  

XIII. During the interminable battle sequence that concluded the film, did you count how many Third World countries could have had their starvation eradicated by the money spent on the film?  No, I couldn’t count my toes in the dark.

  

XIV. Is there a conundrum here?   Yes, the more CGI elements in a movie, the less likely I am to suspend disbelief.  It just reminds me that I’m watching a spectacle and not a true dramatic story.  Instead of thinking, “Oh, the poor Na’vi,” I’m thinking, “Oh, Cameron did that really well.”  Same thing for 3D, things-in-the-foreground effects.

  

XV. How many times did you yawn?  Only twice, in the middle.  Less than for my wedding video.    

 XVI. Have you ever liked any of Cameron’s films?  Oh yeah, I really enjoyed the first Terminator.  And I loved Titanic.  Don’t be hating on me!  

XVII. Why are you going to be rooting for The Hurt Locker to win Best Picture even though you haven’t seen it yet?  Because if Avatar is the future of cinema, then I’m going to be watching a lot of TVLand.

  

XVIII. What is your conclusion after seeing Avatar?  Well, at least I checked it off my to-do list.