There seems to be a new feeling of bonhomie and hail-fellow-well-met here at OS the past few days with everyone issuing heartfelt apologies and hugs after all the dust-ups, and now we’re all cavorting with dolphins and romping with unicorns and the sky is filled with rainbows.  I’d like to get in on the action apologize for my behavior during these dust-ups too – except I wasn’t involved in any of them.  This makes me sad because I SO want to be magnanimous and have people be magnanimous towards me.

Then I thought: hey, I can still issue an apology.  I’ve done lots of bad things in my day (at least that’s what my wife keeps telling me).  So I’ve decided to unburden myself and get these offenses off my chest.  I hope that, after you’ve read this litany of pain I’ve caused, you’ll find it in your generous hearts to forgive me.

I’d like to apologize to my mother for lying to her when I was in college.  That wasn’t oregano in my dresser drawer and ZigZag was not a special parchment brand of note paper.  I regret the deception.

I’d like to apologize to my brother for calling him a retard in a fight 45 years ago. I’ve since realized that “retard” is a very offensive term.  What I should have called him was a “doo-doo head.”

I’d like to apologize to my daughters for giving them my DNA, ensuring that they’ll probably start looking more like me as they get older.  On the plus side, they’ll be able to grow a really good mustache.

I’d like to apologize to my wife for saying I had too much work to go to the mall with her and the kids.  I really just planned to watch the ball game.  So it’s karma that the Mets lost and she maxed out the Master Card.

I’d like to apologize to my best friend for mentioning, in my best man speech at his wedding, that he had a life-long bedwetting problem.  It was insensitive of me to sacrifice his personal dignity for a cheap laugh, and besides, I’m sure he’s licked the problem by now.  I’ll never mention it to anyone again.

I’d like to apologize for calling my biology lab partner “as dumb as a brick.” So bricks, please forgive me.

I’d like to apologize to the bush in front of 601 Euclid Avenue on the Syracuse University campus.  I meant to puke on the sidewalk.  Sorry my aim was so bad.

I’d like to apologize to my body for misunderstanding the term “six-pack abs.” On the plus side, I get five cents back for each beer bottle I return.

I’d like to apologize to the credit card companies for falling behind in my payments a few years ago, forcing them to make repeated calls to try to collect the money that was rightfully theirs.  It was insensitive of me to inconvenience them like that.

I’d like to apologize to the guy who played Santa Claus at the Galleria Mall in December 1964.  I swear, I didn’t know that beard was real!  On the other hand, I’d like to thank him for teaching me those colorful new words.

I’d like to apologize to Glenn Beck for calling him the “biggest fucking idiot on the entire planet.”  The entire planet consists of six billion people and I don’t know them all, but the “biggest fucking idiot among people that I’m aware of” just didn’t have the same ring.

I’d like to apologize to my former boss for calling in sick on May 17, 2003.  I was really just hanging out at home, having fun.  This apology also applies to February 4, 1997, April 12, 1998, September 21, 1999, November 9, 2000…..

I’d like to apologize to the IRS for … wait, is there a statute of limitations?

I’d like to apologize to Halle Berry for not calling her the last two years.  Goddamn restraining order!

I’d like to apologize to my readers for giving you the wrong impression about my wife by giving her the best lines in my all-dialogue posts.  She’s really not that funny.

I’d like to apologize to my wife for saying she’s really not that funny.  Can I have the remote back now, please?

I’d like to apologize to those involved in the latest dust-up for printing out their comments while I watched the basketball game and then shouting all their insults at the referee.  I’m sure I violated some copyright law and besides, the ref didn’t listen to reason either.

I’d like to apologize to the hundreds of bloggers here whose posts I never get a chance to read, but there are only 24 hours in a day and our socialist government, in its fascistic determination to make us all observe sunrise and sunset at the same time, refuses to allow individual states the right to add hours to the day. 

Lastly, I’d like to apologize to the guy who cut me off on I-95 the other day for flipping two middle fingers at him.  I should have kept one hand on the wheel.

Wow, my soul feels so cleansed.  I feel like an enormous burden has been lifted off my shoulders.  Who would like to join me in a chorus of “Kumbaya?”