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Cranky Cuss

Cranky Cuss
Location
Ossining, New York, United States
Birthday
February 28
Bio
I am the author of "Send In the Clown Car: The Road to the White House 2012," currently available on Amazon and CreateSpace. I'm currently semi-retired after 23 years in a corporate environment. My motto: The conventional wisdom has too much convention, not enough wisdom. Corollary: Even Einstein was wrong sometimes, and you're not Einstein.

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SEPTEMBER 5, 2010 3:07PM

If I Were a Woman (Kathy's Open Call)

Rate: 36 Flag

 (With apologies to L.C. Neal for ripping off the style of her “Friday Funnies.”) 

ME: Hey, dear, let me ask you something.  Kathy Riordan has an Open Call asking what you’d be like if you were a member of the opposite sex.  Who would I be if I were a woman?

  

ADORABLE WIFE: I thought you said opposite sex.  

  

ME: Ha ha, very funny. I was thinking I might be another OS person.  LC has a similar sense of humor and she loves sports.

  

ADORABLE WIFE: Didn’t you say she used to be in construction?

  

ME: Yes.

  

ADORABLE WIFE: Well, you can’t even hang a painting without using up a whole box of Band-Aids.

  

ME: --

  

ADORABLE WIFE: --

  

ME: How about Ann?  She’s an exquisite writer, she has a gentle disposition and she has a strong social conscience.  I could see myself like that.

  

ADORABLE WIFE: Didn’t you say she prepares food for a living?

  

ME: I don’t like where this is going.

  

ADORABLE WIFE: You can’t even spread your own peanut butter and jelly.

  

ME: It’s not that I can’t….I just like the way you do it.

  

ADORABLE WIFE: You see, here’s your problem.  If you want to be a woman, you’ve gotta stop whining and get things done.  As a woman, I have to bring home the bacon, cook it up in the frying pan, feed it to my daughter …

  

ME: She’s a vegetarian.

  

ADORABLE WIFE: …and then clean the plate she ate off, and then clean the shirt she dripped bacon grease on.  I don’t have time to be a baby about it.

  

ME: OK.

  

ADORABLE WIFE: And let’s not even talk about the pain of childbirth.  You got a splinter in your finger yesterday and you wanted to call Dr. Kevorkian.

  

ME: But it really hurt!

  

NOT-SO-ADORABLE WIFE: If you were a woman, I could only see you as a starlet who gets pampered.  How’d you like to be that bombshell from Mad Men, Christina Hendricks?

  

ME: Hell, no.  I don’t want guys looking at my breasts all the time.

  

NOT-SO-ADORABLE WIFE: I thought you told me guys don’t really do that.

  

ME: --

  

NOT-SO-ADORABLE WIFE: OK, then.  Let’s ask Adorable Daughter her opinion. (NOTE: Actual conversation with Adorable Daughter.)  If your father was a woman, who would he be?

  

ADORABLE DAUGHTER: Bea Arthur.

  

ME: B-Bea Arthur?

  

NOT-SO-ADORABLE DAUGHTER: Sure.  She’s gray-haired, kinda gruff, voice very masculine … Oh, right.  Guess not.

  

ME: I was thinking Ellen DeGeneres.

  

IRRITATING DAUGHTER: No, Ellen’s funny.

  

ME: I’m funny.

  

YOUNG DRAIN ON MY BANK ACCOUNT: --

  

ME: --

  

DAUGHTER WHO’S ABOUT TO REMOVED FROM THE WILL: Plus she’s a way better dancer than you.

  

ME: OK, I’ll tell you who I’d really like to be: Bonnie Raitt.  She’s been making great music for forty years…

  

IRRITATING WIFE: Really, you making music?  The last time you sang, the neighbors called Animal Control because they thought there was a wounded coyote nearby.

  

ME: … and through all the ups and downs of her career, she’s always maintained her integrity. YES! I know what you’re going to say, that the closest I ever came to integrity was that time I went to the Acura dealership.

   

IRRITATING WIFE: That’s an Integra, you idiot, not an Integrity!

   

ME: And I’ve been impressed by how she’s always been a strong voice for social justice. When I saw her in concert, she had vendor stands for all sorts of political action groups and she gave them all a shout-out on stage.

  

SOON-TO-BE-EX-WIFE: And you wrote a letter to the editor once.  You and Bonnie are almost even.

    

ME: And I admire the way she stood up for the blues and R&B artists who’ve been ripped off by record companies over the years, and she’s fought to get them recognition and back royalties.  Plus she’s around the same age as me, and reached that point with dignity and good humor.  So if I were a woman, I’d want to be like Bonnie Raitt.

  

SOON-TO-BE-EX-WIFE: That’s nice, dear.  You go ahead and picture yourself as Bonnie Raitt now if you want to.  Now, Bonnie, can you please take out the garbage?

 

bonnie raitt 

  

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Comments

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I should point out that, in ripping off LC's style, I was also "honoring" her birthday today.
Just what's needed on a Sunday, thanks for the laugh : ) I really like the conversational style...
I laughed and laughed and laughed! Great stuff!
I love this! Your ADORABLE WIFE is totally right about what it truly means to be a woman! Thanks for an interesting read that made me laugh out loud! Rated.
God, you and LC should write a book.

Bonnie Raitt, huh? Well, there are a lot worse choices.
You're daughter's wrong about one thing: You sure as hell are funny. I don't laugh out loud at too many posts. I did at this one, more than once.

But I'm not answering the open call. I think my biggest question would be:

If I became a woman would I be able to stop doing most of the housework, taking care of the kids, most of the shopping at the supermarket, nearly all of the laundry, nearly all of cleaning up after meals (and a good share of preparing them), taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, and paying the bills?

My wife's work schedule is less flexible than mine. Because my grandfather retired and my grandmother kept working, I grew up thinking a household where the woman worked and the man cooked was normal, plus my father always did way more housework than my mother because she went back to college, then grad school. When feminism became a big deal around the early seventies, I wondered if too many people were watching Leave It To Beaver because a lot of what was being protested about had nothing to do with my reality at home. "Wait a minute - Are you telling me that there are millions of households out there where the man's the boss? On this planet?"
Yeah...I totally get this...you always give us SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT even though THE LUCK OF THE DRAW currently has you stuck in a male body . You're SO her! Sometimes I wish I could be more than solid blend of Jesse James and John Cage...I'll have to think about it. Fun and funny .r
Cranky, you are just so good.
Rated.
Dude, you just wanted to be Ellen so you could sleep with Portia de Rossi!

(you aren't alone in that, BTW)
Can't a brother catch a break at your house, Cranky? I don't know... I was thinking more along the lines of Lily Tomlin or Joan Rivers.

Lezlie
Great choice. I'd LOVE to love Bonnie like a man
good post

i see bonnie is giving you her opinion with the finger she has the slide on.
This is hilarious. Rated!
You do dialogue very well Cranky. Funny stuff.
I wanna be Bonnie Raitt too.
If I were a woman I would probably be Amy Sedaris. This gets the mystery muscles moving. thx.
You continue to make me laugh out loud Cranky. Especially the part about the irritating wife calling Animal Control because you sound like a wounded animal when you sing. You just keep getting better and better.
I should probably have read this before my gently disposed self had a couple of glasses of wine...I do not actually roll on the floor, and my ass is still on (I think) bit this is really, really funny. I'm touched that you would even for once second think of being me, although you would have to raise your game in the kitchen.........
"If you were a woman, I could only see you as a starlet who gets pampered."

Me too, that's the kind of anything I want to be --- 'star' or 'starlet' lots of cocaine and champagne, just enough that it doesn't kill me!!

Whoooo!!! :D
Bea Arthur meets Bonnie Raitt. I see that. It suits. I will never see you the same way again. Very nicely done, CC! Love the dialogue. I'm happy to see people responding to this open call--I appreciate it wasn't as easy as some of the others.
Hmmmm......I'm starting to think your wife is a lot funnier than you are.... Okay, maybe not funnier...just smarter. But hey, she is a woman, after all, to that's a given.
I liked it better when her name was Adorable Wife.
i can't stop laughing.

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Very funny piece, Cranky.
I suspect Amy's right about why you'd want to be Ellen.

In some ways I get lesbians because we have similar tastes. Straight women I don't get at all. I can't relate to being attracted to me. I"m thankful my wife is, but I still can't relate to it. It's not that I'm selling myself short, it's that I literally can't relate to it.
Nice hommage to the birthday Queen. Very funny work! r
This hands down one of the funniest things I have ever read!!! I think I'm gonna start calling you Cranky Bea!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hey. You're not laughing.
"Lady Godiva was a freedom rider, she didn't care if the whole world looked. Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her, she was a sister who really cooked..."
Excuse me- your post has me in full frontal Maude flashback.
Hilarious.
How quickly men turn...... ;)
Hah! Bonnie is a great pick!
Oh, shit, did I miss...no, that's right, I honored it Saturday.

So glad I read this, as I now have a perfectly good excuse not to do one of my own. I could never get the ME:_ HER:_ part to look right.

Oh, and I honored your birthday, in advance, by ripping off your shopping style today.

What? I'm late? Oh, sh...
How'd this get by me? I like to read every single thing you write Cranky. You always make me laugh right out loud. You're a hoot! R
You're definitely funny enough to be Ellen! rated.
Cranky, I would not at all mind kibitzing on more of your conversations with immediate family. When you are so inclined.

Very funny.
I don't want to be a woman. I'm not man enough.
Always real, always funny, always great. Man or woman it doesn't matter. You're always Cuss.
for some reason, i'm picturing a cross between Bea Arthur and Betty White...
Hi Cranky!! This should be on the Cover too!!!! EP!! :D