(With apologies to L.C. Neal for ripping off the style of her “Friday Funnies.”)
ME: Hey, dear, let me ask you something. Kathy Riordan has an Open Call asking what you’d be like if you were a member of the opposite sex. Who would I be if I were a woman?
ADORABLE WIFE: I thought you said opposite sex.
ME: Ha ha, very funny. I was thinking I might be another OS person. LC has a similar sense of humor and she loves sports.
ADORABLE WIFE: Didn’t you say she used to be in construction?
ADORABLE WIFE: Well, you can’t even hang a painting without using up a whole box of Band-Aids.
ADORABLE WIFE: --
ME: How about Ann? She’s an exquisite writer, she has a gentle disposition and she has a strong social conscience. I could see myself like that.
ADORABLE WIFE: Didn’t you say she prepares food for a living?
ME: I don’t like where this is going.
ADORABLE WIFE: You can’t even spread your own peanut butter and jelly.
ME: It’s not that I can’t….I just like the way you do it.
ADORABLE WIFE: You see, here’s your problem. If you want to be a woman, you’ve gotta stop whining and get things done. As a woman, I have to bring home the bacon, cook it up in the frying pan, feed it to my daughter …
ME: She’s a vegetarian.
ADORABLE WIFE: …and then clean the plate she ate off, and then clean the shirt she dripped bacon grease on. I don’t have time to be a baby about it.
ADORABLE WIFE: And let’s not even talk about the pain of childbirth. You got a splinter in your finger yesterday and you wanted to call Dr. Kevorkian.
ME: But it really hurt!
NOT-SO-ADORABLE WIFE: If you were a woman, I could only see you as a starlet who gets pampered. How’d you like to be that bombshell from Mad Men, Christina Hendricks?
ME: Hell, no. I don’t want guys looking at my breasts all the time.
NOT-SO-ADORABLE WIFE: I thought you told me guys don’t really do that.
NOT-SO-ADORABLE WIFE: OK, then. Let’s ask Adorable Daughter her opinion. (NOTE: Actual conversation with Adorable Daughter.) If your father was a woman, who would he be?
ADORABLE DAUGHTER: Bea Arthur.
ME: B-Bea Arthur?
NOT-SO-ADORABLE DAUGHTER: Sure. She’s gray-haired, kinda gruff, voice very masculine … Oh, right. Guess not.
ME: I was thinking Ellen DeGeneres.
IRRITATING DAUGHTER: No, Ellen’s funny.
ME: I’m funny.
YOUNG DRAIN ON MY BANK ACCOUNT: --
DAUGHTER WHO’S ABOUT TO REMOVED FROM THE WILL: Plus she’s a way better dancer than you.
ME: OK, I’ll tell you who I’d really like to be: Bonnie Raitt. She’s been making great music for forty years…
IRRITATING WIFE: Really, you making music? The last time you sang, the neighbors called Animal Control because they thought there was a wounded coyote nearby.
ME: … and through all the ups and downs of her career, she’s always maintained her integrity. YES! I know what you’re going to say, that the closest I ever came to integrity was that time I went to the Acura dealership.
IRRITATING WIFE: That’s an Integra, you idiot, not an Integrity!
ME: And I’ve been impressed by how she’s always been a strong voice for social justice. When I saw her in concert, she had vendor stands for all sorts of political action groups and she gave them all a shout-out on stage.
SOON-TO-BE-EX-WIFE: And you wrote a letter to the editor once. You and Bonnie are almost even.
ME: And I admire the way she stood up for the blues and R&B artists who’ve been ripped off by record companies over the years, and she’s fought to get them recognition and back royalties. Plus she’s around the same age as me, and reached that point with dignity and good humor. So if I were a woman, I’d want to be like Bonnie Raitt.
SOON-TO-BE-EX-WIFE: That’s nice, dear. You go ahead and picture yourself as Bonnie Raitt now if you want to. Now, Bonnie, can you please take out the garbage?