1. In Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, the ghost that visits Ebenezer Scrooge was:

a) Jacob Marley

b) Bob Marley

c) Marley and Me

d) Marlo Thomas

2. According to Mel Torme, what was the weather like the day he and Bob Wells wrote “The Christmas Song?”

a) It was so hot it was roasting his chestnuts.

b) The only nipping being done was not by Jack Frost, but by Mel and a liquor bottle.

c) After the sixth nip, he really thought reindeers could fly.

d) All of the above.

Answer: a) But for all I know, b) and c) could be true too, if Mel was anything like me.

3. A Christmas Story, based on a story by Jean Shepherd, was directed by Bob Clark, whose previous film was:

a) Porky’s

b) Gandhi

c) Fellini’s 8 ½

d) Birth of a Nation

Answer: a) I remember it being a pretty decent movie, if you like horny-teenage-boy movies with a lot of nudity.  Not that I ever did, mind you.

4. Which Sesame Street characters are rumored to be named after characters in It’s a Wonderful Life?

a) Bert and Ernie

b) Snuffleupagus and Big Bird

c) Oscar the Grouch and Elmo

d) Katy Perry’s breasts

Answer: a) Bert was the policeman in the movie and Ernie was the cab driver. Henson Studios denies that the Muppets were named after them, claiming it is just a coincidence, but when has that ever stopped a good story?

(Guy Lombardo)

5. When Guy Lombardo appeared on Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-in, he said:

a) “When I die, I’m taking New Year’s Eve with me.”

b) “If I have to play ‘Auld Lang Syne’ for a roomful of drunks one more time, I’m going to go f***ing postal.”

c) “I got your New Year’s Resolutions right here!”

d) Sorry, I’m all out of New Year’s Eve jokes.

Answer: a) And why would I remember that after all these years when I can’t even recall what I had for breakfast?

6. What famous Christmas song began as a coloring book for Montgomery Ward?

a) “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

b) “Feliz Navidad”

c) “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”

d) “(They Call Me) Back Door Santa”

Answer: a) Though a coloring book for d) would make a good stocking stuffer.

7. If I owned the rights to A Charlie Brown’s Christmas, I would:

a) Change the title to “Happy Holidays, Charlie Brown” just to piss off Bill O’Reilly

b) Photoshop in a menorah on Schroeder’s piano just to piss off Bill O’Reilly

c) Photoshop in a black kid who celebrates Kwanzaa just to piss off Bill O’Reilly

d) All of the above and hell, didn’t Charles Schulz know there was a war on Christmas?

Answer: d) Hey, Bill, have a Happy Hanukkah, a kickin’ Kwanzaa, and a fun-filled Festivus.

8. What did Natalie Wood declare in The Miracle on 34^th Street?

a) “I don’t believe in Santa Claus.”

b) “I don’t believe in love at first sight.”

c) “I don’t believe in God.”

d) “I don’t believe in Beatles. I just believe in me, Yoko and me, and that’s reality.”

Answer: a), of course, which reminds me of the old joke: What’s the difference between Natalie Wood and balsa wood?  Balsa wood floats.  That’s right, drowning humor.  Which means I don’t have to ask my next question, Am I on Santa’s naughty or nice list?

9. Why did the live-action movie of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas send Dr. Seuss spinning in his grave?

a) Millions of dollars were spent on a movie that condemned commercialism.

b) There were numerous tie-ins with consumer products, like McDonald’s, for a movie that condemned commercialism.

c) It’s a depressing example of how heavy marketing can turn a piece of crap into a hit.

d) All of the above, and come to think of it, Chuck Jones is spinning in his grave too.

Answer: d), though I don’t believe Seuss’ estate turned down the royalties.

10. Complete the analogy: Bob Dylan’s Christmas album is to Nat King Cole’s as:

a) Sarah Palin is to Abe Lincoln

b) Mel Gibson is to tranquility

c) Salon’s financial viability is to Bill Gates’

d) Oh, hell, just make up your own. 

11. According to Wikipedia, which never lies, which of the following about the song “White Christmas” is true?

a) In the original script for Holiday Inn, the movie in which the song first appears, Margaret Reynolds, not Bing Crosby, was slated to sing it.

b) The recording we hear now is not the original because Crosby had to re-record it after the original master was ruined by frequent use.

c) The playing of the song on the radio in Saigon on April 30, 1975 was a pre-arranged symbol to evacuate the U.S. Embassy.

d) All of the above.

Answer: d) Who says my blog has no educational value?

12. Christmas is meant to commemorate:

a) The birth of Jesus Christ

b) The arrival of Santa Claus

c) End-of-year sales at the malls

d) An excuse to string up hideous lights, play non-stop hideous music, and air lame TV specials.

Answer: a) Yeah, I didn’t believe it either, but I Googled it and it’s true!  Who knew?

Hey, look, it’s mistletoe!  Pucker up, OSers!  MMMMWAH!