(Photo from funnydog.net) 

“Raise your right front paw.  Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?”

“I do.”

“State your name.”

“Cranky Dogg.”

“Mr. Dogg, tell this court how it all began.”

“My master, if I may use that now politically incorrect term, saw a bumper sticker on a vehicle at an animal hospital that read, ‘Equal Rights for All Species.’  At first, he snickered – I think he called it ‘animal rights over-reach’ – and started making jokes about electing Lassie to Congress - “Mange We Can Believe In,” ha ha.  But then his expression changed and he sat upright and said it all suddenly made sense.  He said, ‘We already elect snakes to Congress, so why not a dog?’”

“Objection, your Honor.  Mr. Dogg’s answer is self-serving and off-topic.”

“Sustained.”

“Anyway, my master asked me, ‘Would you like to have equal rights?’ and I said, ‘Yes, I would.  I’ve always wanted to drive a car, vote in elections, carry a credit card so I could download doggie porn onto my laptop.’  So he led the fight for four-legged creatures to be seen as equal entities with two-legged creatures in the eyes of the law, culminating finally in the landmark Supreme Court ruling United States v Fido.  I was very proud of his work for justice and equality, and I thought it would usher in a new era of freedom for we dogs.”

“Then what happened?”

“The first day of Doggie Equality, I was walking down the street, proud to be unleashed at last, when I felt the urge to urinate.  So I walked over to a fire hydrant and lifted my leg, as I’ve always done.  All of a sudden, a policeman appeared next to me, writing me a citation for disorderly conduct.  He also warned me to put on pants, because the town has ordinances against indecent exposure.”

“What happened next?”

“Well, I still had to do my business, although by now I also had to do #2, so I walked up onto the McAllisters’ lawn and squatted.  Mr. McAllister appeared on the porch, yelling, ‘Get off my damn lawn, you mangy mutt!’  I mean, he didn’t have to call me a name, I have feelings too.  I replied, ‘You can't talk to me like that, I have equal rights, and besides, I’ve got my Pooper Scooper,’ but he comes charging toward me full speed, his face turning red with anger.”

“So what did you do then, Mr. Dogg?”

“I bit him in the ass.”

“That wasn’t very neighborly.”

”He was wearing a Michael Vick jersey!  He had it coming.”

“So what happened next?”

“Mrs. McAllister came running over too, screaming, so I went up to her and I … I … do I have to say it out loud?”

“Yes, Mr. Dogg, may I remind you that you’re under oath.”

“I … I humped her leg.  (There’s an audible gasp in the courtroom.)  I mean, she does have very shapely gams.  My master – excuse me, my human co-inhabitant – has lusted after her for ages.”

“Isn’t it true, Mr. Dogg, that you were heard saying, shortly before this incident, ‘I’m going to get that pussy?’”

“I was talking about the McAllisters’ cat!  That furry little spawn of Satan has been hissing at me ever since they brought her home from the animal shelter.”

“So now you stand charged with two counts of disorderly conduct, one count of assault and battery, and one count of sexual misconduct.”

“Yes, sir, but I believe these charges are remnants of centuries of speciesism.”

“Objection, your Honor.  Mr. Dogg’s opinion of the laws is not relevant.”

“Sustained.”

“And isn’t it true that you are being investigated for child molestation?”

“I categorically deny that I ever licked that little boy’s face, and I’m sure the DNA test will exonerate me.”

“No further questions, your Honor.”

“OK, before we continue with the testimony, this Court will be in recess for ten minutes.”

“Thank God, I’ve really got to go to the toilet.  I’m thirsty.”