Dear Dr. Know-It-All: After the announcement of Osama bin Laden’s death, I issued a statement just as the other prominent Republicans did.  I thanked the military, the Navy SEAL unit and President Bush.  However, some people said my statement was ungracious. Why would they say that? Mama Grizzly, Wasilla, AK.

Dear Mama Grizzly: Didn’t you forget to mention someone by name?  Black guy?  Kind of tall and slim?

Dear Dr. Know-It-All: President Obama is a wimp. He has no backbone and has no commitment to fighting the war on terror. He’s even afraid to be in the same room with me. And when’s he going to release his long-form birth certificate? Have you seen the polls? I lead the GOP with 26%.  Isn’t it time America had a strong leader like me?  – The Donald, New York, NY.

Dear Donald: Oops, I didn’t mean to choose letters with an April postmark. My bad.

Dear Dr. Know-It-All: I’m tired of Donald Trump getting the attention for crazy statements. That’s my gig.  So I’m going to reclaim my crown: Obama’s ground Zero visit was shameless! The nerve of him holding a low-key wreath-laying ceremony and meeting the 9/11 families after killing the man who killed their spouses! And his victory lap was obscene. Imagine making himself and his aides available for interviews about the biggest news story in months. Why couldn't he show the restraint of President Bush, who merely flew in on a fighter jet to deliver a speech in front of a "Mission Accomplished" sign?  So what do you think, Doc, do I still have it?  – Glenn B, Paranoiaville.

Dear Glenn B: You’ve still got it. You’re undoubtedly the King of the Crazies. Take good care of that crown.

Dear Dr. Know-It-All: I was on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? last week. When I was asked a question about which planet was named after a Greek god, I said, “Jupiter is Roman, I believe. I can’t even put a finger on Uranus.” Meredith Vieira started roaring with laughter, and when I realized what I’d said, I was thoroughly embarrassed. There’s no chance that this will go viral, is there? Without a Lifeline, TV Land.

Dear Without a Lifeline: Not if I can help it. (See below.) By the way, what’s the strangest place you ever made whoopee?

Dear Dr. Know-It-All: Tell Miss Uranus above that her video isn’t half as funny as mine, where I trip over my saggy pants and fall flat on my face while trying to flee a convenience store I’d just robbed. Am I right?  Droopy Drawers, Lake Wales, FL.

Dear Droopy: I think you’re absolutely right. PS: nice boxers.

Dear Dr. Know-It-All: Speaking of pants, do these jeans make my ass look fat?  Afraid to Look in a Mirror, Des Moines, IA.

Dear Afraid: No. Your ass makes your ass look fat.

Dear Dr. Know-It-All: I coach a pro basketball team on the Left Coast. I’m retiring after this season. I think my chances of finishing with another championship are excellent. At the very least, my team will go out with dignity.  What do you think?  The Zen Master, La-La Land.

Dear Zen Master: Damn, another one with an April postmark.

Dear Dr. Know-It-All: I’m currently in a relationship with a two-time Oscar-winning actor twice my age. However, I’m having buyer’s remorse.  When I started this love affair, I spurned a blogger with the initials C.C. who had a deep affection for me and I now realize that he’s the only man for me.  I’m afraid to approach him, though, because he might still be so heartbroken that he will lash out at me.  What do you think I should do?  ScarJo, Hollywood, CA.

Dear ScarJo: I believe it was Shakespeare – or was it Jennifer Aniston? - who said ‘tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life obsessed with “what ifs?”  I’m quite sure that I – I mean, he – will be able to see past … Wait, my cell phone is buzzing.  Oh, Pippa Middleton is sexting me again! Let me answer her first:  O baby U R so hot. Will send U pix of my prince willie.  C U 2morrow.  xoxoxo.  OK, what was I talking about?  Ah, I forget, so I’ll just move on to the next question.

Dear Dr. Know-It-All: I’ve been in the news a lot in recent years for a few personal problems that went public. I just starred in my first movie in several years and I am getting very good reviews for my performance.  Now that everyone has let bygones be bygones, should I buy a new tuxedo for my Oscar acceptance speech?  Malibu Mel, L.A.

Dear Malibu Mel: I wouldn’t circle that day on your calendar just yet.

Dear Dr. Know-It-All: I was promised 72 virgins when I reached paradise.  However, when I arrived, I was presented with 72 computer nerds, Trekkies and Xbox gamers. What’s up with that? And how am I supposed to do this without my herbal Viagra?  PS: Death to America! Osama B, the Hereafter.

Dear Osama B: It sounds like you didn’t read the fine print, my man.