Have you been following the Presidential campaign closely?  You have?  So which antidepressant are you taking?

Take out your #2 pencil and test your knowledge of the race so far.

Complete this quote from Newt Gingrich: “I am the Republican best qualified to beat President Obama ___”

            a. To the buffet table

            b. To a booty call

            c. To a crazy idea

            d. In November

Complete this quote from Mitt Romney: “___ are people, my friend.”

            a. Flip-floppers

            b. Mortgages like the one I made Ted Kennedy take out on his home

            c. Dogs strapped to the roof of the car

            d. Corporations

In a September interview, Michele Bachmann presented disputed anecdotal evidence that what caused mental retardation?

            a. Watching Fox News

            b. Praying the gay away

            c. Eating a large corndog in front of cameras at the Iowa State Fair

            d. The HPV vaccine

There are persistent rumors that President Obama will force Joe Biden to switch places with whom?

            a. The chairman of Amtrak

            b. Al Green

            c. Osama bin Laden

            d. Hillary Clinton

According to the Internet, “Santorum” means:

            a. A guy who compares homosexual relationships to sex with dogs

            b. A guy who wants states to have the right to ban birth control

            c. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex

            d. All of the above

Dixville Notch is:

            a. The name of Rick Perry’s hunting lodge

            b. A gay bar

            c. Herman Cain’s pet name for his mistress

            d. A small village in New Hampshire that traditionally casts its ballots at midnight

Can you think of a more appropriate first name for the former Speaker of the House than Newt?

            a. No

9-9-9 refers to what?

            a. The price for a large pizza with one topping from Godfather’s

            b. The docket number for the sexual harassment suit against Herman Cain

            c. The area code for Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan

            d. A tax plan that only Cain took seriously                                                                                                                                                                      

Based on Mitt Romney’s 2010 income tax return, if your family income is $50,000 a year, how long would it take Romney to earn your annual income?

            a. Approximately 20 hours

            b. Yeah, but that doesn’t include the joy of facing rush hour traffic every day

            c. Nor does it include the joy of having your boss yell at you

            d. And hey, don’t forget the stress of trying to make ends meet every month, he’s missing out on that

What did Mitt Romney describe as “not very much?”

            a. His respect for Newt Gingrich

            b. His chances of winning the Presidential election

            c, His libido

            d. The $374,000 he earned in speaking fees last year

In October, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie held a press conference to declare:

            a. Something’s going down tonight, sweetheart, but it might not be jobs

            b. Jersey Shore is da bomb

            c. He uses the same name for his first and last names because he ate his real first name

            d. He’s not running for President this year no matter how hard Republicans beg and plead

Shortly before he withdrew from the race, Rick Perry proposed sending troops back to:

            a. The Alamo

            b. Iwo Jima

            c. The Galactic Empire

            d. Iraq

“The 1%” refers to the percentage of Americans that:

            a. Approves of the job Congress is doing

            b. Can watch an entire GOP debate without wishing to commit homicide

            c. Could identify a picture of Tim Pawlenty

            d. Owns about 35% of the nation’s wealth

“The Buffett Rule” refers to:

            a. Making “Margaritaville” the new national anthem

            b. Making Omaha the nation’s capital

            c. Converting T-bills to Berkshire Hathaway stock

            d. A tax plan that would ensure that the richest Americans do not pay a lower rate than the less affluent

If you are very ill and need hospitalization but do not have health insurance, Ron Paul says that you:

            a. Should start reading Ayn Rand ASAP

            b. Enjoy the attention and pity that comes with being sick

            c. At least still have the right to bear arms

            d. Should seek help from a local charity

Even the Navy SEALs couldn’t rescue:

            a. Jon Huntsman’s campaign

            b. Donald Trump’s dignity

            c. Bipartisanship in Washington

            d. All of the above

Which words or phrases will I no longer be able to hear without getting nauseous?

            a. Frothy

            b. Open marriage

            c. Citizens United

            d. All of the above

When the average American television viewer stumbles across a GOP debate, what thought immediately comes into his head?

            a. “Quick, turn to the E! Channel!”

            b. “What is the procedure to become a Canadian citizen?”

            c. “If I jump off the tallest building in town, will it make these voices go away?”

            d. All of the above

ESSAY QUESTION: In 500 words or less, explain why Mitt Romney’s tax return proves he’s the most qualified candidate to revive the middle class.  To receive full credit, you must include one reference to “job creators” and one denunciation of class warfare.

ANSWERS: Seriously, none of these guys have answers.