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Cranky Cuss

Cranky Cuss
Location
Ossining, New York, United States
Birthday
February 28
Bio
I am the author of "Send In the Clown Car: The Road to the White House 2012," currently available on Amazon and CreateSpace. I'm currently semi-retired after 23 years in a corporate environment. My motto: The conventional wisdom has too much convention, not enough wisdom. Corollary: Even Einstein was wrong sometimes, and you're not Einstein.

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JULY 5, 2012 9:33AM

Alternate Titles For My Book

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One thing I’ve learned from publishing my book of political satire is that nobody wants to read political satire. What they want to read is mind-numbing genre fiction, i.e. anything with heaving bosoms, wisecracking gumshoes or brain-eating zombies. Oh, and weight loss books; people love their fad diets.

Well, I believe in giving the customer what he wants, so I’ve decided to rename my book, replacing Send In the Clown Car with something more consumer-friendly. Here are some titles I’m considering:

Barack Obama, Vampire Hunter: A young President does battle with the ghouls who want to suck all of the health care, reproductive rights and economic opportunity out of the American citizenry. But is his battle plan too ineffective, and does it even increase the body count? After all, there is a lot at stake.

Fifty Shades of Red and Blue (States): An erotic S & M fantasy in which politicians enjoy bondage to special interests and voters in turn enjoy getting whipped by the politicians’ harmful policy proposals. A lascivious tale so steamy that readers will need a cold shower (because they can’t afford heat).

Harry Reid and the Deathly House Vote: The wizard of the Senate fights for control of the Congressional world by doing battle with the Orange Lord, Boehnermort.

The Hunger Blames: The political parties accuse each other of ruining North America and settle their differences with a contest involving bows and arrows mudslinging.

Game of Drones: Republicans and Democrats battle for the White House throne by seeing who can talk the longest without saying anything of substance. (Note: the Afghan and Pakistani editions of Game of Drones may have a slightly different story.)

The Girl With the Draggin’ Economy: An unsuccessful political journalist investigates the disappearance of a young woman’s employment and educational opportunities during a deep recession. Not for the faint of heart.

Go the Fuck to Sleep: Sorry, that’s not my book title, that’s just me yelling at Fox News.

The Hunt for Purple October: The candidates battle in the crucial swing states, hoping to lure enough defectors to turn them red or blue.

“Mitt,” My Dad Says: The ridiculous, politically incorrect comments from an angry old man who supports the Republican agenda.

I Is for Idiots: Private Investigator Kinsey Milhone tries to track down the killer of intelligent political discourse in America and is stunned by the number of suspects.

Vote to Live: The author argues that if you follow his advice and vote for his candidate, within 30 days you will lose 30 pounds, the federal budget will be balanced, everyone will be employed, worldwide peace will be achieved, and did I mention the 30 pounds?

Honestly, none of those new titles appeals to me, so I’ll keep the original. However, I will change the book’s subtitle. From now on, The Race to the White House will be replaced by The Race to Be Bossypants.

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Comments

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Clever. We must give the people what they want.
Bosom-Lit is and has been the best going. That you dis it is shameful.

r.
You managed to crack me up twice. That's hard. The explanation for Go The Fuck To Sleep was the first time and Mitt My Dad Says was the second. (Would we be better off with Denny Crain for President than with Mitt? It's possible.)
British humorist Alan Coren titled one of his collections "Golfing for Cats" and put a swastika on the cover, because three types of books that always sell are cat, golf and Nazi books.
Cuss, I fell ya'. It's all Romance novels, vampires and cookbooks. I'm in the process if having Dianna do a whole new cover for me.It has a Vampire with a chef's hat on having sex with Paula Deen. I'm calling it "Eating out with Paula, A Blood Story"
One blurb fits all: "Buy this book if you want to die laughing."
Maybe you could just photoshop a zombie or a vampire into the clown car.
My god, you are the clever one! Funny stuff here, Cranky.
I am amazed I didn't see No Pride, Lots of Prejudice, and Zombies in there anywhere, that might just be sold at our local bookstores. Thanks Cranky, for starting my day with a good smirk.
crank cuss, thanks for another good laugh that impresses me with your wit. I am not able to read any books right now but I will buy one of yours.
Cranky, your book, must be great, judging from the writer.

This story is funny, clever, and marketing genius, in the same time!
I like the idea of political satire and diet plans... think it will be a best seller.
Fifty Shades of Red and Blue (States)

Oh Man.. that would get the women tingling..:)
HUGGGGGGGGGGG
_____________ Vampire Hunter works for everything!!! :D
I like "I is For Idiots." That says it all./r
I loved your book - and I loved this list. Especially "“Mitt,” My Dad Says: The ridiculous, politically incorrect comments from an angry old man who supports the Republican agenda." I cracked up at that.
(Still chuckling) I so envy your wit. I think somebody really ought to write "Mitt, My Dad Says." That somebody is you!

Lezlie
How about The New Old Testament? That will get you in most lodgings.
You mention...."Barack Obama, Vampire Hunter: " and appropriately end the blurb with mention of a stake. Have you no shame? Do you know how many kids will go on out an try to kill some vampires with a stake?

Poor kids won't know that it MUST be a stake of OAK!

Perhaps you are finding out why it is considered a truism in publishing that "authors must never be allowed to chose titles!"

Here's a title from a publisher/editor:

PUT THIS BOOK DOWN!!
It'll make you laugh till you pee
Then you'll blame the author
And he'll hate you for it.

;-)
.
CRANKY CUSS WRITES DIRTY BOOK ABOUT FUNNY POLITICS....er, maybe that should read FUNNY BOOK ABOUT DIRTY POLITICS!
.
Poor Cranky. but you can take what you've learned and write a steamy Sex scandal about a well-endowed wise-cracking gumshoe who coaxes zombies to go on Fad Diets.

so Boehner is "He Who Must Not Be Named"! I suspected as much. but Harry Reid needs to practice hismExpelliearmus charm!

Rated.
Very clever Cranky. Hard to pick one fave but your description of I is For Idiots was spot on.
I was going to go to market today because all I have left in the house to eat is a huge bag of cherries, about an eighth-of-a-loaf of bread so stale I can't slice it any more and about eight or ten several-year-old bags of frozen vegetables. But then I saw this post and was so appalled I "dropped everything" (clunk) went to Amazon.com and spent today's food money on buying your book. BEFORE YOU CHANGE THE TITLE!!!!!!!

Be it on your conscience if I faint away from hunger ........... ;-)

Used to be podunkmarte (some of me still is); now signing in as
fricasee/podunk: Even I wouldn't buy my book instead of buying food!
Well _I_ DID. So there!! ;-)