I, Katie Holmes, being of sound body and (until I spend all of my time with Scientologists) of sound mind, do hereby willingly enter into this contract with Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, hereafter referred to in this contract as “Mr. Cruise,” and agree to the following terms.
I agree to appear in public with Mr. Cruise as often as required. In public, whenever there is a camera present, I will allow Mr. Cruise to squeeze my hand as tightly as a boa constrictor around its prey, and I am to smile in such a way that all of my teeth appear to glow like a thousand suns. I am under no obligation to think about Mr. Cruise while doing so.
I agree that, at all public appearances, I shall not wear shoes with heels. I further agree that I am to keep in my automobile, at all times, a milk crate for Mr. Cruise to stand on when posing for formal pictures.
I agree that all interviews shall be conducted in the presence of my Scientology handler, who I am to refer to as “my close friend,” even if I don’t remember said handler’s name.
I agree to provide Mr. Cruise with a child, hereafter referred to in this contract as “the future Scientology disciple.” I am free to choose any method of impregnation, but I shall always imply in public that the child was conceived through normal sexual intercourse.
I agree that this impregnation shall take place immediately after signing this contract, and shall take place months before getting married, out of wedlock despite my reputation as a good Catholic girl, in order for Mr. Cruise to appear to be a healthy heterosexual who was overcome by lust and forgot to purchase a prophylactic.
At no time shall I corroborate the slanderous rumors that Mr. Cruise may be a homosexual, since Scientologists are never attracted to someone of their own sex, no way, no how, impossible, it can’t happen, oh my God L. Ron Hubbard would shit a brick, end of story.
Under no circumstances shall I look at the contents of the top drawer of Mr. Cruise’s nightstand or his computer folder labeled “Beefcake Photos.”
Yes, that pendulum you are swinging is making me sleepy, very sleepy.
Mr. Cruise agrees, while at home, not to jump on the couch, or on any other piece of furniture.
Mr. Cruise further agrees to use his influence to help my acting career by getting me the best available parts. For the terms of this contract, “best available parts” is defined as “low-budget movies that will be lucky to go straight-to-video and basic-cable TV miniseries that are sure to be eviscerated by critics.”
When Mr. Cruise makes appearances at the future Scientology disciple’s school events and paparazzi take pictures from a distance, appearing to be spying on him, or when we are photographed arriving at a popular Los Angeles restaurant, I shall not comment on the suggestion that Mr. Cruise’s publicist arranged such photo opportunities to spruce up his image as a normal husband and father.
I agree that whenever Mr. Cruise suggests or does something outlandish, such as:
- Suggesting that psychiatry be outlawed;
- Reprimanding an actress for treating her post-partum depression with medication;
- Purchasing his own ultrasound machine:
- Insisting that our child be born in total silence;
- Declaring that mankind arrived on Earth 75 million years ago in spaceships led by a galactic ruler named Xenu, who placed them near volcanoes where he detonated hydrogen bombs, creating thetans that exist in all living people today, and that when we die those thetans are brought to a docking station on the planet Venus;
I am forbidden from responding by doing any of the following:
- Rolling my eyes and shaking my head:
- Giving him the finger or mooning him;
- Making a circular gesture with my index finger next to my forehead while making a cuckoo sound;
- Placing Mr. Cruise in a straitjacket and sending him to the nearest mental institution;
- Making comments like “that’s just nucking futs,” “some village is clearly missing its idiot,” or “the sanity elevator doesn’t stop at the top floor.”
At no time shall I suggest that Scientology is anything but a true religion, and I am to sneer at any suggestion that it is a cult. I agree that if I fail to follow this contract term, I will be brought to Scientology’s Sea Organization for further brainwashing and indoctrination.
I agree that I will not terminate the marriage before my 33rd birthday but will terminate it before my 34th birthday, as did Mr. Cruise’s previous spouses. By signing this contract, I agree that it is too late for me to arrange a fake birth certificate claiming that I am already 34 years old.
No, I may not leave this office to use the restroom, get a drink, phone my personal attorney, jump out a window, or run as fast as my legs will carry me until I have signed this contract, no matter how much I beg.
Signed this day of my own free will, more or less,