(Looking for something light after the last few days, and following Oryoki Bowl’s request for funny reposts, I combined two posts on my daughter’s time at a bakery. All stories are true, though some of the dialogue is invented. The format was based on ex-OSer LC Neal’s “Friday Funnies.”)

NICOLE: May I help you?

CUSTOMER: I’d like a bagel, toasted, with cream cheese.

NICOLE: Coming right up.

CUSTOMER: OK.  And while it takes a few minutes to toast properly, I’ll stand here and stare at you and make you uncomfortable.

NICOLE: - - -

CUSTOMER: - - -

NICOLE: Believe me, if I had a blowtorch, I’d be torching the bagel myself.

CRAZY CUSTOMER (entering store): I just wanted to tell you it was my birthday.

NICOLE: - - -

CRAZY CUSTOMER: - - -

NICOLE: Uh huh.  Happy birthday.

CRAZY CUSTOMER (leaving): Be sure to tell Young Boss that today is Crazy Customer’s birthday.

(Later.)

YOUNG BOSS (returning from delivery): What’s new?

NICOLE: Crazy Customer wanted me to tell you that it was her birthday today.

YOUNG BOSS: Oh. My. God.  That woman is nucking futz.

CUSTOMER (entering store five minutes before closing): Is the coffee fresh?

NICOLE: Right, dumbass, we always make a fresh pot right before closing.  In fact, this pot has probably been sitting here for three hours … I mean, it was probably brewed a half-hour ago.

CUSTOMER: Great, I’ll take a cup.

NICOLE (observing an elderly woman, draped in a scarf, wearing a plaid coat and pink pants, stopping briefly in front of the store window): Oh, look at that sweet old lady.

SWEET OLD LADY: Grack … hwarf … ptoooie.  (Spitting on sidewalk.)

NICOLE: Eeeeewwwww!

CUSTOMER: I’ll have a latte, half-caf, half-decaf.

NICOLE: Seriously, dude, make up your mind.  Do you go into McDonald’s and order a soda, half-regular half-diet?  Do you go into the Gap and order a pair of pants, half-denim half-khaki?  Do you go into a brothel and order a woman half-blonde half-redhead? ... I mean, coming right up.

CUSTOMER: I’d like to order some pastries.  Can I sample a few first?

NICOLE: Sure.

CUSTOMER: - - -

NICOLE: If you pay for them.

CUSTOMER: Do you make these cakes in smaller than 7”?

NICOLE: No.

CUSTOMER (next day): Do you make these cakes in smaller than 7”?

NICOLE: The answer is still no.

CUSTOMER: Then what’s this here?

NICOLE: It’s a special 3” chocolate cake that we make.

CUSTOMER: Well, why can’t you make that 3” cake with the filling from the 7”?

NICOLE: I’ll go ask. (Asks pastry chef.)

PASTRY CHEF: Grumble.  Yeah, we can do it, but it’s a pain in the ass.  Go ahead and take the order.

NICOLE (to customer): OK, the chef says he can …

CUSTOMER: Just a second.  I’m on the phone.

NICOLE: Uh, sure, I’ll wait a minute. (A minute later.) I’m still waiting.

CUSTOMER: I have to take this call.  Give me five minutes.

NICOLE: Sure. I’ll go stick my head in the oven.  I have nothing better to do.

HARRIED MOTHER (entering store with The Three Little Brats): What would you like?

BRAT #1: I want that chocolate one.

BRAT #2: No, I want that chocolate one.

BRAT #1: Well, I saw it first.

BRAT #2: Waaaaaahh!  No fair!  I saw it first!

BRAT #3: Well, I want the cupcake.

BRAT #1: No, I want the cupcake.

BRAT #3: I want the cupcake!  You’re having the chocolate!

BRAT #1: But I want the chocolate and the cupcake!

BRAT #2: No fair! Brat #1 is getting two things and I’m only getting one!

NICOLE: What are the species that eat their young again?

NICOLE (to Father/Chauffeur): Drive faster. Faster! I’m going to be late for work!  Go like the wind!  Hurry!

FATHER/CHAUFFEUR: (Slowing in intersection to let man pushing a shopping cart full of bottles cross the street.)

NICOLE: Fuck you, bottle guy!

YOUNG BOSS: Nicole, watch the counter for a couple hours.  I’ll be busy downstairs.

NICOLE: What will you be doing?

YOUNG BOSS: I’m making a costume for Comic-con.

NICOLE: - - -

YOUNG BOSS: Don’t ask.

CUSTOMER: What’s this?

NICOLE: A carrot cake.

CUSTOMER: What’s in it?

NICOLE: - - -

CUSTOMER: - - -

NICOLE: Carrot.

CUSTOMER: I’m here to pick up that box of pastries I special-ordered last week.

NICOLE: Coming right up … Here it is.

CUSTOMER (Noticing fresh pastries behind the counter with Halloween decorations): Can I send my pastries back to the kitchen to get Halloween decorations, even though I didn’t order them and the decorations take a long time and you’re very busy?

NICOLE: No.

FATHER: What’s that?

NICOLE: I’m bringing home some samples of our pastries.

FATHER: Oh good.  Fattening food.

NICOLE: Well, I like to know the quality of the stuff I’m selling.

FATHER: - - -

NICOLE: - - -

FATHER: So this is research?

NICOLE: Yeah, yeah, “research.”

CUSTOMER: I’m here to pick up the order I said I’d pick up at 4:00 even though it’s only 3:00 now. 

NICOLE: I think they’re just finishing it up.  It’ll be ready in a few minutes. 

CUSTOMER: No problem, I can wait. (Immediately begins drumming his fingers.  After 30 seconds, begins muttering.)  When is it going to be ready?  I’ve got someplace I’ve got to be. What’s taking so long? (After two minutes, begins pounding his hand on the counter.)  Is my order almost ready?  I’m running late!    

NICOLE: Oh, I guess I’m losing my hearing.  I thought you said, “I can wait.”  Maybe I should call my doctor.

DITZY CUSTOMER: I’d like a blueberry muffin.

NICOLE: Here you are.

DITZY CUSTOMER: (An hour later, returning the uneaten muffin) This is blueberry, I wanted carrot.

(A couple weeks later.)

DITZY CUSTOMER: I’d like a blueberry muffin.

NICOLE: Here you are.

DITZY CUSTOMER: (An hour later, returning the uneaten muffin) This is blueberry, I wanted carrot.

(A couple weeks later.)

DITZY CUSTOMER: I’d like a blueberry muffin.

NICOLE: Are you sure you don’t want a carrot muffin?

DITZY CUSTOMER: (After a long pause) Right, that’s what I want.

(Returning to work after working a late night.)

PASTRY CHEF: What are you so angry about?

NICOLE: I’m not angry.  I’m just too tired to hide my bitch face.

PASTRY CHEF: Well, I was here until 9:30 last night, so I’m more tired than you.

NICOLE: Give me a share of the profits and I’ll work to 9:30 and avoid my family too.

NICOLE: It’s snowing! Yay!

FATHER: Businesses don’t have snow days.

NICOLE: Shit!

CUSTOMER: T.G.I.F.

NICOLE: You got that right. This getting up every morning is rough on a lazy-ass 19-year-old like me.  I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I don’t plan to get out of bed before 2:00 in the afternoon.

YOUNG BOSS: (returning from a delivery) Nicole, I need you to work tomorrow.

NICOLE: Fuck!

NICOLE: I was talking to one of the owners yesterday, and she said she’d help me when I’m ready to apply to the Culinary Institute.  She said she’s on the board of the Alumni and her best friend is one of the deans there.

FATHER: Really? You’d better kiss her ass every chance you get.

NICOLE: I’m not very good at kissing ass.  I’m incapable of taking shit from anyone.

FATHER: Oh?  I hadn’t noticed.

NICOLE: (To herself) Why is there a pair of shoes on the floor?  Who walks out of a bakery without her shoes?  Oh, that’s right, I saw someone carrying her shoes under her arm.  She must have just gone jogging first.  She’ll come back for them.

(A few minutes later.)

PART-OWNER: (Whispering to pastry chef.) Psst Psst Psst.

NICOLE: I’m standing right here.  I know you’re talking about me.

PASTRY CHEF: (Walking over to Nicole): She wants to know why you left your shoes in front of the counter where the customers can see them.

NICOLE: Sorry.  I’ve only been here three months.  I haven’t figured out that I can’t leave my shoes in front of the counter where the customer can see them.  I’m such a slow learner. 

(Driving to work in the morning.)

FATHER: What’s that?

NICOLE: It’s a receipt pad.  We need it at work.  When we take down an order, we have to write it on scrap paper. 

FATHER: Talk about low-tech.

NICOLE: Yeah, so I bought the pad to make my life easier.

FATHER: Wait, you’re the low man on the totem pole and you’re paying for store supplies out of your own pocket?

NICOLE: I guess I’m a shoo-in for Employee of the Month.

(Later.)

FATHER: Did you show Young Boss the receipt book?

NICOLE: Yes.

FATHER: Was he impressed at your initiative?

NICOLE: He said, ‘Oh, we have one of those but we don’t bother using it.’ 

PASTRY CHEF: Your apron is covered in flour.  That must mean you were working hard for a change.  Heh heh heh.

NICOLE: Oh, sorry, I didn’t recognize you, Mr. Leno.

PASTRY CHEF: So, Nicole, do you think you’ve been learning a lot working here?

NICOLE: Oh yes, I’ve learned a lot.

PASTRY CHEF: Good, then I quit.  You’re taking over.

NICOLE: Smart-ass.

(Later.)

FATHER: Rough day at work?

NICOLE: How much rum do you put in a rum and Coke?

CUSTOMER: I said I wanted this coffee with cream and sugar!

NICOLE: And I told you they’re right over there on the counter, you dumb … I mean, the cream and sugar’s right there.  Just help yourself.

PASTRY CHEF: Hey, Nicole, I got a complaint that they found bits of egg shells in one of the pumpkin pies.  Be more careful next time!

NICOLE: I didn’t break the eggs for those pies, you did … I mean, sorry, I won’t let it happen again.

PART-OWNER: Hey, Nicole, the phone’s ringing!

NICOLE: The phone’s one foot in front of you and I’m way in the back with my arms covered in flour … I mean, I’m coming.

YOUNG BOSS: Hey, Nicole, you’d better make sure you clean the counter before you go home.

NICOLE: I’ve cleaned the counter before I’ve gone home every day of the three months I’ve been here.  What makes you think I won’t do it today … I mean, I’ll be sure to do it before I leave.

(Later.)

FATHER: Rough day at work?

NICOLE: Bring me a baby seal and I’ll punch it in the face.