Thank you for that warm welcome. It’s great to be here in Ohio on the first day of Oktoberfest. You may think that, because I’m not allowed to drink liquor, I don’t understand beer drinkers, but that’s not true. I have several friends who are brewery owners.
Did you see my interview on Univision? I thought it went pretty well. Some people thought I looked a little too orange, and they’re probably right. That’s the last time I use John Boehner’s make-up person.
A lot of advisors say to me, “Mitt, you’re having trouble connecting to the average voter. They see you as too rich, too aloof, too stiff, with no understanding of the problems of average Americans.” So I decided to make a home movie, a day at home with Mitt Romney, to demonstrate that I’m just like you, that I put on my mom jeans one leg at a time like everyone else. OK, roll the film.
Here I am getting out of bed in the morning. You can see that, as I told the women of The View, I sleep in as little as possible. Oops, sorry, you got a brief view of my “assets.” I know it didn’t look like much, but remember I keep most of my assets offshore.
In this scene, Ann and I are having breakfast, and yes, we made the meal ourselves. No servant seeing to our every need. OK, I’ll admit it was the omelet chef’s day off.
Now I’m deciding which vehicle to drive into town. Gosh darn it, the power button for my car elevator wasn’t working. Don’t you hate when that happens?
Unfortunately, as I pull my car out of the garage, my dog howls and runs away out of fear. Boy, you tie one dog to the roof of your car and you get a whole species mad at you.
As you can see, the car driving in front of me has a bumper sticker that reads, “I’m a Gay Vet – and I Vote.” I think it’s great that he’s gay. Everyone should be happy. I feel pretty gay when I get my monthly Swiss bank account statement. Wait, do you think he meant the other definition of “gay?” Then screw him.
I’m now driving to Walmart to purchase a few things. Yes, I shop there all the time. You see me talking to the dashboard of my car, but I’m not asking the GPS how to get to the nearest Walmart. Definitely not. No way.
Here I am checking out, paying for my deodorant, toothpaste and shampoo. There was a brief delay because the cashier couldn’t make change for a $1,000 bill. I’ll have to talk to Mr. Walton about that.
I stopped in at my local deli to buy a sandwich. I love to stop there because it has quite a cross-section of customers: senior citizens, students, military guys, low-wage workers, none of the 47% moochers who don’t pay taxes and are dependent on the government. Real Americans, not the ones who support my elitist, socialist opponent.
The deli even named a sandwich after me. “The Romney: we’ll tell you the ingredients after you’ve ordered it.” What a great idea! Who needs details to make a decision when you can make it on faith. The deli owner told me his original idea was “The Romney: we change the ingredients every day.” What a card!
As I walked out of the deli, I accidentally kicked an empty can down the road. But enough about my Middle East policy.
It’s now afternoon, and Ann and I are spending some quality time with our horse Rafalca. I know that some people say that dressage is an elitist sport, but lots of people from all walks of life spend their afternoons with horses. Like the guys betting on the ponies down at OTB – that tax deduction at the end of the year is nice, right?
Besides, unlike the 47%, Rafalca earns her keep by winning competitions and isn’t at all dependent. Now watch Ann lovingly put some oats in Rafalca’s stable.
As we return home, I wave to Jose, our Guatemalan landscaper. He’s lucky to be Latino. If I had his heritage, I’d be winning this Presidential race. I’m so jealous of him.
After a quiet dinner, Ann and I are watching our favorite TV show, Jersey Shore. Don’t you just love that Snooki? As I said on The View, she’s such a spark plug, and I admire how much weight she’s lost. When I’m elected President, you’ll all lose weight too because you won’t be able to afford food. Ha, just kidding! You see – I do have a sense of humor!
There must be something wrong with our cable because it keeps making a beeping sound when Snooki’s talking. Too bad, because Snooki is truly a role model and people should hear every astute word she says.
I do understand the needs of these Jersey Shore-type people. After all, some of my friends live in New Jersey. In the State Capitol even.
Well, it’s time to get my beauty sleep. Some of you with dirty minds are probably wondering if there are going to be intimate relations once I turn the camera off. Just let me say that reports of my always being stiff are greatly exaggerated.
What did you think of that film? Pretty good, huh? It shows that I’m a regular American just like you. So remember: vote for me on November 6 or else I’ll have to go amend my 2011 tax return and claim the rest of my deductions. And God bless America.
I’m Mitt Romney and Corporate America approved this message.