Pavlov would love the Internet.

Cranky Cuss

Cranky Cuss
Location
Ossining, New York, United States
Birthday
February 28
Bio
I am the author of "Send In the Clown Car: The Road to the White House 2012," currently available on Amazon and CreateSpace. I'm currently semi-retired after 23 years in a corporate environment. My motto: The conventional wisdom has too much convention, not enough wisdom. Corollary: Even Einstein was wrong sometimes, and you're not Einstein.

MY RECENT POSTS

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 1, 2012 1:39PM

God Speaks

Rate: 27 Flag

‘Sup? God here. Long time, no speak. (No, Santorum, I mean it, I haven’t been speaking to you, that’s just the voices inside your stupid head. And stop emailing me all of those dumb “How many abortionists does it take to screw in a light bulb” jokes.)

I’ve come to speak to you today because – and excuse me for taking my only son’s name in vain, but Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with you people? Every time some gigantic natural event occurs, some of you dumbasses look at it like I’m sending you some kind of coded message. You probably haven’t noticed because you’re so self-centered, but I’ve got like a gazillion other planets in the universe to keep an eye on. A lot more of them are populated than you think – Spoiler alert! You’ll find out in 22 years – though thankfully, few of them are as high-maintenance as you clowns! Still, it takes up a lot of my time and I’m no spring chicken anymore – seriously, I need a hip replacement but I don’t trust St. Peter to fill in in a pinch; he has a troubling obsession with creating oceanfront property in Nevada – so I pretty much leave you alone to fend for yourself.

Now I hear that some numbnuts pastor is claiming that I created this Northeast hurricane because I’m mad about gay people or some such shit. Oy. I don’t know this Pastor McTernan from King Menahem but Satan assures me that he is saving an eternal seat for the pastor and he’s keeping it warm. Very, very warm, if you catch my drift.

First, why do you only bring up this ulterior motive crap when it happens in the Northeast U.S? How come when I send twisters through Kansas and Oklahoma, you don’t think, “Maybe the Lord is angry because we’re intolerant of reproductive rights?” Heck, maybe when I create sunny days in Iran, I’m telling you, “See, I love all my creatures equally so why don’t we all get along?” Don’t want to think about that one, do you?

How do you dumbasses know that I wasn’t intervening to help Obama get re-elected by reminding you of the importance of a strong Federal government? Or maybe I have a vendetta against Chris Christie and the flooding and blackouts in New Jersey’s surrounding states were just collateral damage. I mean, at my age, my aim isn’t so hot.

Listen, I know I wiped out all life once in a hissy fit, but I was young and angsty then – you think you rebelled against your parents? Imagine how angry you’d be with no parents to blame! But that was millennia ago and I’m older and much more mellow now.

Besides, why do you think I hate gay people? Yeah, yeah, Leviticus; I swear I was misquoted by some partisan hack journalist, like “Al Gore created the Internet” and “Corporations are people, my friend.” (Wait, he really said that? You’re kidding me!) If I hated gay people so much, would I keep letting San Francisco win the World Series? I keep giving gays prominent roles – actors, writers, musicians, businessmen, closeted Republican politicians. Would I do that if I hated them?

Here’s another motive, and this one’s even plausible – maybe I created this hurricane because I’m pissed off that you’re destroying this beautiful planet I gave you and you can’t even bother to discuss climate change in a Presidential campaign for even one nanosecond.

In truth, I don’t create these storms; they all develop as part of an elaborate ecosystem that I created. (Yeah, Barack, I built that!) But this ecosystem you’ve got now – I didn’t build that. You built that with your gas-guzzlers and your bumper-to-bumper traffic jams and your coal-burning smokestacks and, OK, maybe your cow’s methane farts. Now you’ve got polar bears slathering on the SPF-50 before hopping on their surfboards and now hipsters in Lower Manhattan are in greater danger than trailer park denizens in Tornado Alley. Instead of doing something about that, however, you’re too busy arguing about whether Taylor Swift’s songs are too mean to her exes or which Kardashian outfit is the trashiest or – and this is the one that kills me – whether I wanted a woman who was raped to get pregnant. (Short answer: NO! Why are the people who think they speak for me always dumber than a rock?)

It makes me so mad that I want to unleash one of those 40-days-and-40-nights floods, but I swear you’re trying your damnedest to do it to yourselves. I’m not going to help you out of this one. First off, I don’t see any plausible Noah wannabes out there (put your freaking hand down, Trump!). Second, I don’t remember what a cubit is. (You think metric is hard?) Third, my plan last time didn’t work out so well – when you have two of every species locked up on a ship for forty days, do you know how much dung collects? (Trust me, a rhinoceros is potent!) And a male and female rabbit together for that long wasn’t such a smart idea either, believe me.

So you’re on your own and you’d better start addressing it pronto. Now the creatures out on planet Zrgbod, they figured it out. And when the Zrgbodians land on Planet Earth in 2034, they might give you the benefit of their wisdom. It would be nice if one or two of you were still alive to listen to them. And put your me-damned hand down, Trump. It won’t be you. I’ve got a nice, juicy fate in store for you.

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
Nicely done, breaux! That's exactly what God sounds like when he talks to me!
Hi God -- Thanks for posting on OS. I had always suspected you knew the value of the writers and readers on this site. This is confirmed by your decision to post your fine writing here. If you have a few minutes, would you mind zapping the OS server and turning it into a speed-demon, lickety split kind of machine that rejects spam and sends spammers to one of Dante's levels? In return, I promise to read all of your posts, rate them highly and click on all "what will happen to Trump" links (which I did, by the way, and found said article quite enlightening!).
well god thank u for explaining. i thought, rather selfishly
(fuck all that other stuff..this is ABOUT ME!!)
that you were gonna address something other than my
immediate concerns...i guess i am safe..i got nothing against
any one else for doing what Nature has
suggested, or crafted,
what they do with their bodies...

i don't like these new york types anyway.
doesnt mean i wanna see em inconvenienced for a few days.
please dont misinterpret me.
they got the world to run!
no, i want them to have all the conveniences their wealth
has wrought.

i am in contact with a few Zrgbodr -ers.
I shan't tell you how.
They are ambivalent about coming to see us
or going to mars to see what the heck
these tiny shiny objects are, that the rover picks up.
yes, alas.
we are that unimportant to them...
well god thank u for explaining. i thought, rather selfishly
(fuck all that other stuff..this is ABOUT ME!!)
that you were gonna address something other than my
immediate concerns...i guess i am safe..i got nothing against
any one else for doing what Nature has
suggested, or crafted,
what they do with their bodies...

i don't like these new york types anyway.
doesnt mean i wanna see em inconvenienced for a few days.
please dont misinterpret me.
they got the world to run!
no, i want them to have all the conveniences their wealth
has wrought.

i am in contact with a few Zrgbodr -ers.
I shan't tell you how.
They are ambivalent about coming to see us
or going to mars to see what the heck
these tiny shiny objects are, that the rover picks up.
yes, alas.
we are that unimportant to them...
well god thank u for explaining. i thought, rather selfishly
(fuck all that other stuff..this is ABOUT ME!!)
that you were gonna address something other than my
immediate concerns...i guess i am safe..i got nothing against
any one else for doing what Nature has
suggested, or crafted,
what they do with their bodies...

i don't like these new york types anyway.
doesnt mean i wanna see em inconvenienced for a few days.
please dont misinterpret me.
they got the world to run!
no, i want them to have all the conveniences their wealth
has wrought.

i am in contact with a few Zrgbodr -ers.
I shan't tell you how.
They are ambivalent about coming to see us
or going to mars to see what the heck
these tiny shiny objects are, that the rover picks up.
yes, alas.
we are that unimportant to them...
Geez, God, who knew you had such a potty mouth! I'm glad you finally decided to put these idiots straight. Not that it will do any good. They'll just put out a rumor that you aren't the real God. Cretins!

Lezlie
God understands the St. Peter's limits. Give Pete the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven, but never the key to the Executive Washroom.
Wow. God's Blogger. This is some site.
When God talks to me, he's much harsher-and he looks just like Karl Rove....

I think God does not like gays-but I'm sure he understands that I did what I had to while I was in prison....you think?

Well anyway, we conservatives prefer the angry God of the Old Testement. That's why we are always hoping that a natural disaster is punishing someone for something. Hey God- you will vote for Romney-right?
If god hated the gays, humanity would have been killed off in the time of Rome and Greece. Belgium and Amsterdam and Copenhagen would be totally destroyed. What, wait, they are not? Hmmmm. Maybe god doesn't hate anybody at all. Hating and pollution are human activities.
Wow
Cranky writes a sermon

You're pretty good at it.
New way to make a living?
Thanks for passing on the environmental word from on high, CC! :)
This is delightful, you old cuss, you!
;)
Rated

(also rated w/comment over at Our Salon)
FYI: A cubit is the length from your elbow to the tip of your middle finger... the Egyptians standardized it as .52 meters or a tad less than 18 inches... in the meantime, don't mess with me, or I might just get pissed. R&R ;-)
The Donald's not laughing, but I certainly am. Terrific!
Yeah, I've always wondered what Kansas was doing to so often incur the Lord's wrath. Great post Cranky.
I've never figured out how it is that Americans can hold the idea that Americans are especially loved by God at the same time as they hold the idea that God is punishing Americans for treating gays (Some of God's own creations?) as people. If God hates gays, why does he want people to do bad shit to them? Isn't he capable of doing that stuff Himself?

God, Sir, You are One Strange Dude!

;-)
.
Thanks for this missive from on high.
or maybe it's a missive from high on....
I would love to hear this read as the Sunday sermon in some local churches! It might be much more life-changing than the usual drab and predictable platitutdes.Heck, this is so good, Cranky, it reminds me that I need to order your book. [r]
This is God again, and I just want to remind you to be wary when people claim to speak for me -- remember what happened with those satanic verses in the Koran? And I assure you, I was misquoted a lot in Leviticus.

Let me also remind you what I said about bearing false witness and taking my name in vain. I've got a long list of offenders I'm keeping an eye on -- Benny Hindend ... Troll Osteen ... Jimmy Braggart ... Jim Fakker ... Ernest Anally ... John Gaggme ... Pat Robotson ... Jerry Fallow ... since I'm a forgiving God, I changed the names slightly to protect the guilty; but trust me, they'll get their just dessert.

I could go on and on with that list, but you get the idea. If you want to know what I really think and how I really operate, pay attention to the real prophets and saints like Jesus and Lincoln and Gandhi and Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King.

Gotta go now, and help the Democrats clean up the mess the Republicans left behind. Yes, that's right -- I'm a Democrat, and I will be until Republicans start following my commandments to feed the poor and not put their faith in riches and not be such goddamned (literally) phonies about family values.
Are you a cranky God, even in your street clothes?

Great writing. Rated.
Thanks OS i often wonder what God is thinking.
Brilliant and Hilarious! Thanks
Let there be light. God bless us all :)
Of course, you guys on the left have Danny Glover saying Mother Earth is mad because we didn't sign the Kyoto Protocols, so that's why she busted up Haiti with the big earthquake. That's so like her - go kick the crap out of some third world country because the wealthiest nation in the world (second wealthiest if you count communist slave states like China) didn't sign some treaty designed by its fellow nation to bankrupt it in order to keep the oceans from rising a quarter inch by 2030.........maybe. Yeah, that makes sense.

You guys are really talented at talking through your belly buttons.
Of course, you guys on the left have Danny Glover saying Mother Earth is mad because we didn't sign the Kyoto Protocols, so that's why she busted up Haiti with the big earthquake. That's so like her - go kick the crap out of some third world country because the wealthiest nation in the world (second wealthiest if you count communist slave states like China) didn't sign some treaty designed by its fellow nation to bankrupt it in order to keep the oceans from rising a quarter inch by 2030.........maybe. Yeah, that makes sense.

You guys are really talented at talking through your belly buttons.
Of course, you guys on the left have Danny Glover saying Mother Earth is mad because we didn't sign the Kyoto Protocols, so that's why she busted up Haiti with the big earthquake. That's so like her - go kick the crap out of some third world country because the wealthiest nation in the world (second wealthiest if you count communist slave states like China) didn't sign some treaty designed by its fellow nation to bankrupt it in order to keep the oceans from rising a quarter inch by 2030.........maybe. Yeah, that makes sense.

You guys are really talented at talking through your belly buttons.
Of course, you guys on the left have Danny Glover saying Mother Earth is mad because we didn't sign the Kyoto Protocols, so that's why she busted up Haiti with the big earthquake. That's so like her - go kick the crap out of some third world country because the wealthiest nation in the world (second wealthiest if you count communist slave states like China) didn't sign some treaty designed by its fellow nation to bankrupt it in order to keep the oceans from rising a quarter inch by 2030.........maybe. Yeah, that makes sense.

You guys are really talented at talking through your belly buttons.