I am a Republican.

I don’t believe people should be required to carry a government-issued ID because that’s the first step toward Big Brother. I also don’t believe people should be allowed to vote unless they carry a government-issued ID.

I am a Republican.

I believe that Democratic concerns about voter suppression on Election Day are unwarranted because all a voter needs to present is a valid ID. I don’t believe Barack Obama’s Hawaiian birth certificate is legitimate and therefore he is not a citizen of the United States.

I am a Republican.

I believe we need to carefully regulate who gets to cast a vote on Election Day. I don’t believe we need to carefully regulate who gets to buy a semiautomatic weapon.

I am a Republican.

I don’t believe government can create jobs. If I am elected, I will create 12 million new jobs.

I am a Republican.

I have a plan that will cut taxes, reduce the deficit and eventually balance the budget. Trust us on the math. Also trust us on science, like evolution and global warming being hoaxes.

I am a Republican.

I don’t believe that the government is capable of running a health care system. I believe Barack Obama should keep his hands off Medicare.

I am a Republican.

I believe that the #1 job of Republican Congressmen was to do everything possible to make Barack Obama a one-term President. I believe that Barack Obama has failed in his promise to be bipartisan and make the environment in Washington more co-operative.

I am a Republican.

I don’t believe that the government should intrude in our private decisions. I believe we must give pregnant women transvaginal ultrasounds before they decide to get abortions.

I am a Republican.

I am pro-life. I am also an enthusiastic supporter of capital punishment and war.

I am a Republican.

I don’t believe a woman can get pregnant if she is raped because the female body has a way of shutting that whole thing down. I don’t believe in sex education so don’t ask me to explain the biological details of “that whole thing.”

I am a Republican.

I believe that America is strengthened by stable family units. I don’t believe that gay people should be allowed to form stable family units.

I am a Republican.

I believe in fairness and equality. For example, I believe that it is only fair that our schools teach both evolution and creationism equally.

I am a Republican.

I believe that Barack Obama was derelict in his duties when he ignored security warnings that resulted in the deaths of four Americans in Benghazi, Libya on September 11, 2012. I believe that George W. Bush bears no responsibility for ignoring intelligence warnings that resulted in the deaths of 3,000 Americans on September 11, 2001.

I am a Republican.

I believe that Barack Obama was dishonest for initially giving the wrong reasons for the Benghazi attack. I believe that George W. Bush made an honest mistake when he declared that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and used that as grounds to invade that country.

I am a Republican.

I believe that there was violence in the Middle East during the Bush Administration because they hate our freedoms. I believe that there was violence in the Middle East during the Obama Administration because he failed to project forceful leadership.

I am a Republican.

I believe that Ronald Reagan was the greatest President of my lifetime because he never raised taxes and he reduced the Federal deficit. I believe that you can verify those facts in a history book.

I am a Republican.

I don’t respect anyone who hates Ronald Reagan, hates religion, and supports abortion rights. I’m a devoted follower of the teachings of Ayn Rand.

I am a Republican.

I believe the Muslim nations are dangerous because they impose their religious beliefs on government policy. I believe America must get back to its Christian roots, with prayer in school, the Ten Commandments posted in our public buildings, and laws on sexuality and reproduction governed by religious teachings.

I am a Republican.

I believe we should live by the teachings of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. I believe that when Jesus reportedly said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” and advised people to “Turn the other cheek” and insisted on chasing the money lenders from the Temple, he was badly misquoted.

I am a Republican.

This past weekend marked the end of Daylight Savings Time, so I hope you remembered on Saturday night to turn back the clock. When you go to cast your ballot tomorrow, remember to turn back the clock to the policies of the previous Administration.