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Cranky Cuss

Cranky Cuss
Ossining, New York, United States
February 28
I am the author of "Send In the Clown Car: The Road to the White House 2012," currently available on Amazon and CreateSpace. I'm currently semi-retired after 23 years in a corporate environment. My motto: The conventional wisdom has too much convention, not enough wisdom. Corollary: Even Einstein was wrong sometimes, and you're not Einstein.


FEBRUARY 15, 2013 11:15AM

Wayne LaPierre Reviews the Oscar Nominees

Rate: 20 Flag

For the last few years, I’ve attended an annual movie marathon in which they presented all of the Oscar nominees for Best Picture. Since I couldn’t make it this year, I asked my good friend Wayne LaPierre to attend in my stead. I know you have heard Wayne’s harsh criticisms of Hollywood culture but he’s concerned that his image seems a bit shrill, so he welcomed this opportunity to soften it. As his French surname would indicate, Monsieur LaPierre is in fact quite the discerning cineaste. (By the way, Wayne is embarrassed by his French roots, so I always address him by the English translation of his last name, “The Peter,” which never fails to tick him off.)

Anyway, I appreciate that Wayne took time out of his busy schedule to see all nine nominated films. Here are his reviews:

Amour: This French film about octogenarian love tested by hardship is quite moving; I hope the NRA board is as compassionate when I’m ready for the great hunting lodge in the sky. However, Michael Haneke’s script and direction inadvertently reveal the major problem with Western European countries today: draconian firearms laws. Senior citizens like Emmanuelle Riva’s Anne must be armed to defend themselves against the dangers of aging, such as attacks of dementia.

Les Misérables: Here is one of our nightmare scenarios in a nutshell (well, an interminable 2 ½ hour nutshell): when the public is unarmed, the government has all of the power and they will chase your defenseless ass through the sewers. A poignant film, to be sure, but when Russell Crowe started singing – talk about an assault weapon! I suspect even Sarah Brady felt the urge to reach for a Bushmaster AR-15.

Beasts of the Southern Wild: This film can be classified as fantasy because of the fairy tale creatures faced by the young girl Hushpuppy. I call it fantasy because it is filmed in Louisiana, a place where men wipe their asses with a gun barrel, yet there is no gun violence. In a realistic film, the “Aurochs” would never be a danger – a few good old boys armed with rifles would solve the problem ASAP.

Life of Pi: I dreaded seeing this movie just because of its title – who the hell wants to see a movie about a mathematical concept? Turns out, however, that Pi is a boy. Ang Lee’s sensitive film is about Pi’s journey with wild animals and how faith saves him. The cinematography is beautiful and the film definitely merits the NRA seal of approval. The animals, especially the Bengal tiger, are beautiful and will tempt members to snatch their hunting rifles, which is why I recommend that they do NOT watch it in 3-D.

Argo: Here’s another Hollywood incitement to violence: check out the fashions and hairstyles in this film! (Two words: justifiable homicide.) Set in 1979 during the Iranian hostage crisis, the movie (through sheer negligence) demonstrates the importance of self-defense. If, instead of cutting and running, the Americans in the Embassy had grabbed some AK-47s and started spraying lead, things would have been much different. Not in this movie, of course, but what do you expect from a liberal Democratic weenie like director Ben Affleck?

Django Unchained: Finally, someone gets it! Thank you, Quentin Tarantino, for recognizing that if slaves had been armed, the issue that divided this great country would have been resolved decades earlier. And how different American history would have been – no Civil War, no Jim Crow, maybe no Black Panthers that scared my hero Ronald Reagan into endorsing gun control when he was Governor. It is imperative that we correct the history books and stop blaming the evils of slavery on the Southern plantation owners and start placing the blame where it belongs – on the Federal gun grabbers.

Lincoln: Steven Spielberg should have talked to Tarantino about how arming the oppressed would have sped up justice. But of course, Mr. Spielberg also left that critical detail out of Schindler’s List. Lincoln is supposed to be an accurate depiction of the enactment of the 13th Amendment but come on: it doesn’t show a single gun lobbyist in the halls of Congress, so how accurate can it be? I will grant that Daniel Day-Lewis feels astonishingly authentic as the 16th President, and that Sally Field and Tommy Lee Jones earned their nominations. It’s telling, however, that Spielberg doesn’t depict the assassination, so he wouldn’t have to address the obvious truth that Honest Abe could have defended himself against John Wilkes Booth if either he or Mrs. Lincoln had been carrying a concealed weapon – oh, and a rear view mirror.

Zero Dark Thirty: And here it is, our ultimate nightmare: you’re sitting in your family compound, maybe watching porn and minding your own business – hell, you’re not even on the grid – when the next thing you know, jack-booted government thugs are breaking down your door. Even worse, they will take years meticulously planning to disarm you. And you thought survivalists were delusional? I suspect Kathryn Bigelow has been reading the NRA’s press releases because it feels like a story we could have written ourselves. I recommend that all NRA members see it and absorb it as a warning to be prepared for the day when the tree of liberty must again be refreshed with the blood of patriots.

Silver Linings Playbook: Finally, there is this complicated but charming love story. Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence give excellent performances, and I bow to no man in my admiration for Robert DeNiro (Taxi Driver? Be still, my heart!) However, while watching this film, I came to an uncomfortable conclusion that might surprise you: that bipolar Philadelphia Eagles fans should not be allowed to buy guns. That is just too combustible a combination. Even I have to draw the line somewhere.

Bottom line: very few of the Oscar nominees show any love for the Second Amendment, but what did you expect from the liberals in La-La-Land? However, there are current films that do. Normally, I would tout the new Sylvester Stallone film, Bullet to the Head. However, I was disappointed to read an interview in which he endorsed an assault weapons ban; I always suspected that, deep down, Stallone was a Second Amendment pussy.

Therefore, I’m urging all Americans to go out this weekend and see the new Bruce Willis flick, A Good Day to Die Hard. Willis is a Second Amendment absolutist, God bless him – in an interview, he said, “I think that you can’t start to pick apart anything out of the Bill of Rights without thinking that it’s all going to become undone” – and his new movie backs up our contention that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. I vow that as long as I am the head of the NRA, every day in America will be a good day to die hard.

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I hereby cast my vote to replace Roger Ebert with Wayne LaPierre. Absolutely brilliant, my friend. R - and a like. What do you think about that?
I laffed, in spite of myself.
You dog, you! Wish I had thought of this.
Such consistency in reviewing theme! Great job, Sir Cranky.
"but when Russell Crowe started singing – talk about an assault weapon." I choked on my morning tea. Well played sir.
Damn them libbies!! GIVE ME A MOVIE WITH GUNS, SEX, VIOLENCE, DRUGS, and a cute little puppy who saves us all!!! YAY!! AMERICA! F*CK YEA!!!

~wanders off for apple sauce and cookies and a nap~
Your title was impossible to pass up. And you did it justice. (Without a firearm even).
Pure genius! Yeah Spielberg could learn some shit from Tarantino (I knew the Peter would like Django).

What an ASS he is!

I wished they had taken some some sort of restrainment with Russell Crowe.. Man talk about miscast. Maybe he would have been better cats with Bruce Willis..:)
You have become a master satirist!
as I said elsewhere, anything that reminds me of your all-time gem of a name for a (porn) film THE ABBATABAD GIRL is gold.

Great job of thinking/writing. I loved it. Perhaps, the President will ask you to be his speech writer. R.
Hahaha. Next time, please get your own butt into the theater seat and leave Monsieur Pierre at his firing range.

Some vintage Cranky there. Loved the Russell Crowe line and the 0D30 write-up was brilliant.

Btw, I notice you're dabbling in Slate. Me too, though I had to change my name after being among the scores booted out by Dear Prudence's demented moderator.
Is that true, Abra? Holy cow. You always seem like a calm, reasonable guy and there are a whole lot of morons who post comments there. Unbelievable.
Brilliant. It's so great to see you in full mental jacket again! (no, not a typo)
Too true Cranky. I dare not post this on Slate but now I have a disposable monicker just for Dear Prudence and a regular one for their other articles. Some of the DP commenters have had to change their name dozens of times. I've only been kicked of three or four times.

If you make too many in-jokes, like referring back to previous columns, you risk bootment,. Then if you remark on deleted comments or commenters you get booted. And especially if you complain about their moderating policy you get booted. This seems to be only a problem with Dear Prudence so I expect they have other moderators elsewhere. If I see you've posted a comment there I'll call you Cranky.
Family Guy says Argo sucks.

.....that's where I get my info from....
Brilliant! Hilarious! Right ONNNN!
The Oscar nominees just recently got to French theaters, and we're trying to see them all - except "Amour" which I just...can't. I can't do the heartbreak. And "Les Miserables," which I've always had a problem with, perhaps stupidly and certainly stubbornly, because for me, the character of Javert should never sing. It's just completely against his nature. I've bookmarked this post and will be coming back to it as soon as we've seen the movies. I'm looking forward to it!
I believe we have misjudged Mr. La Pierre. My only complaint is you didn't send this to The New Yorker first, because it's funnier than everything they've run lately except obits.
Fabulous. Sorry it too me so long to find. Haven't seen much less heard about these movies. But, I'll listen to Mr. Lapierre. Always.