Forget it, Jake. This is the blogosphere.

Cranky Cuss

Cranky Cuss
Location
Ossining, New York, United States
Birthday
February 28
Bio
I am the author of "Send In the Clown Car: The Road to the White House 2012," currently available on Amazon and CreateSpace. I'm currently semi-retired after 23 years in a corporate environment. My motto: The conventional wisdom has too much convention, not enough wisdom. Corollary: Even Einstein was wrong sometimes, and you're not Einstein.

MY RECENT POSTS

FEBRUARY 24, 2013 1:47PM

Another Nauseating Puke Story

 

 

Fourth or fifth grade.  It’s between classes and I’m racing down the hall to the nurse’s office because my tummy is rumbling like Mount St. Helens and I’m about to blow chunks.

  

Didn’t make it.  Nature does/Read full post »

FEBRUARY 15, 2013 11:15AM

Wayne LaPierre Reviews the Oscar Nominees

For the last few years, I’ve attended an annual movie marathon in which they presented all of the Oscar nominees for Best Picture. Since I couldn’t make it this year, I asked my good friend Wayne LaPierre to attend in my stead. I know you have heard Wayne’s harsh… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 29, 2013 12:17PM

Is Texas Executing an Innocent Man?

On January 2, 1999, hunters in Sam Houston National Forest in Texas discovered the body of Melissa Trotter, a 19-year-old Lone Star College student who had been missing since December 8. She appeared to have been strangled with one leg of pantyhose.

Investigators had already settled on Larry Sweari… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 5, 2012 10:53AM

Final Words From a Republican Candidate

I am a Republican.

I don’t believe people should be required to carry a government-issued ID because that’s the first step toward Big Brother. I also don’t believe people should be allowed to vote unless they carry a government-issued ID.

I am a Republican.

I believe that Democrati… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 1, 2012 1:39PM

God Speaks

‘Sup? God here. Long time, no speak. (No, Santorum, I mean it, I haven’t been speaking to you, that’s just the voices inside your stupid head. And stop emailing me all of those dumb “How many abortionists does it take to screw in a light bulb”

Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 26, 2012 11:22AM

Editorial Endorsement: George Romney for President

                                 The Cranky Cuss Gazette

       Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 12, 2012 3:30PM

Biden My Time

  

I almost never write straight political pieces; there are people here who do it way better than me, and with greater depth of knowledge. I also admit that I did not watch the first Presidential debate; as I commented elsewhere, the debates will not affect my vote and… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 10, 2012 5:42PM

My Two Memoirs

They say that you never regret the things that you do, only the things that you don’t do. I don’t believe that’s 100% true – I’ve done a couple of ghastly things I desperately wish to erase from my memory bank – but when I’m melancholy, which is too often… Read full post »

OCTOBER 8, 2012 2:47PM

My Favorite Songs

I was assembling a “desert island discs” list – you know, 25 records that you absolutely could not live without – when I discovered two CDs I had burned a few years ago consisting of my then-favorite songs. Instead of doing clever sequencing for the CDs, I had just sorted… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 4, 2012 4:53PM

Baseball Playoffs Preview for the Non-Fan

At Home Pilgrim used to post an annual Open Salon baseball playoff preview, so in his lamentable absence, I have volunteered to fill his shoes. (And yes, that is like replacing a pair of Bruno Maglis with flip-flops.)

There is one big difference this year: to make a wild card… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 26, 2012 1:53PM

Mitt Romney's Home Movie

Thank you for that warm welcome. It’s great to be here in Ohio on the first day of Oktoberfest. You may think that, because I’m not allowed to drink liquor, I don’t understand beer drinkers, but that’s not true. I have several friends who are brewery owners.

Did… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 19, 2012 10:50AM

About a Writer

   

If you’ve been a member of Open Salon for a while, you’re probably familiar with the writings of Greg Correll, wordsmith extraordinaire. If you’re not, this is a pretty good place to start. (Dammit, OS, these links had better work!)

Most likely, you haven&rsqu… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 27, 2012 11:14AM

Things I'll Do Instead of Watching the GOP Convention

“A hurricane is headed straight for the Republican convention. More proof that God is a woman.”
- David Letterman

12. Attend a NASCAR race so I can hang out with a bunch of white people too.

11. Crash a gay wedding, pose for pictures with the happy couple, then head to a… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 23, 2012 12:15PM

Suicide Isn't Painless

And Richard Cory, one calm summer night
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
- Edward Arlington Robinson

Last weekend, I was re-reading Darkness Visible, William Styron’s essay on his descent into clinical depression. Around the time I was reading Styron’s chapter about his friends… Read full post »

AUGUST 16, 2012 11:44AM

The Blogger

“Did you see the new law being considered by Congress?” asked the blogger. “It’s outrageous! I’m going to post something on my blog about it.”

“Good,” said the blogger’s wife. “Because I’m sure the columns this morning by Paul Krugma… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 8, 2012 2:35PM

Nicole's Tales From Retail, Redux

 

(Looking for something light after the last few days, and following Oryoki Bowl’s request for funny reposts, I combined two posts on my daughter’s time at a bakery. All stories are true, though some of the dialogue is invented. The format was based on ex-OSer LCRead full post »

In news that had comedians across America saying, “Thank you!” porn star Jenna Jameson endorsed Mitt Romney for President, saying that “Republicans are better for rich people.” Only in modern America could “porn star” and “rich person” be synonymous.… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 24, 2012 2:42PM

Playlist For Fred Willard

Dude, first off, it’s the 21st century: get yourself a computer! Then, if all that phony moaning and grunting on the screen is too distracting, turn down the sound and turn up these odes to self-love guaranteed to keep you in the mood. Finally, don’t be ashamed and remember… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 23, 2012 8:54AM

It's Over Between Us

We’ve been together a long time. We’ve had a lot of great times and I’ve got many memories that I will always cherish. Remember that time we …? No, let’s keep that private.

But we’ve been drifting apart for a long time. Communication has grown strained and has go… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 18, 2012 10:10AM

Other Retroactive Retirements

(Think Mitt Romney is the only person to declare a retroactive retirement? You haven’t been paying attention.)

SPRINGFIELD, IL, December 9, 2008 – Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich denied the corruption charges filed against him, explaining that he had retroactively resigned his post… Read full post »

JULY 12, 2012 1:49PM

Depression Still Carries a Stigma

The report that Jesse Jackson, Jr. may be receiving treatment for clinical depression, and his office’s apparent reluctance to confirm it, reminds me that, despite progress in awareness and sensitivity, mental illness continues to retain a stigma, especially among men. It also reminds me that… Read full post »

JULY 10, 2012 4:20PM

Five Books, Three Days

Over the weekend, I read five books on my Kindle in three days. No, I’m not a speed reader and no, my eyes aren’t strained from overuse. In fact, if you printed the five books out, they would probably add up to around 200 pages combined.

The fiveRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 6, 2012 10:25AM

The TomKat Contract, Revealed!

   

   

I, Katie Holmes, being of sound body and (until I spend all of my time with Scientologists) of sound mind, do hereby willingly enter into this contract with Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, hereafter referred to in this contract as “Mr. Cruise,” and agree to th… Read full post »

JULY 5, 2012 9:33AM

Alternate Titles For My Book

  

    

One thing I’ve learned from publishing my book of political satire is that nobody wants to read political satire. What they want to read is mind-numbing genre fiction, i.e. anything with heaving bosoms, wisecracking gumshoes or brain-eating zombies. Oh, and wei… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JUNE 29, 2012 10:45AM

Take Me Out to the Ballgame (TM)

 

 

 

“Good evening, everybody.  I’m Joe Buck with Tim McCarver and we’re in the Chuck E. Cheese broadcast booth at Shell Oil Ballpark in Arlington, Texas, for the first game of the highly anticipated series/… Read full post »