Today my quasi-husband told me that he didn't really like porn images of girls with loose, floppy labia and preferred lips that were more swollen, but compact. My first thought was "Great, one more thing to worry about."

I saw a show on deep cable recently that featured women who were getting labioplasty and vaginoplasty to restore their genitalia to a more youthful or pre-childbirth state. For what? For whom? The plastic surgery websites make claims that there are health, hygiene and sexual satisfaction (for her) issues involved, but how many women are having these procedures because they are afraid that some man will think their lips are too slack?

It's a shame to have to worry about something like that when there are dozens of much-more-visible body parts to stress over.  I voiced my annoyance to my QH and his response was that men don't have to do that kind of thing because they just don't care (which I know is not completely true, but their concern about appearance is on a different scale). Well, bully for men!  Maybe there are reasons that they don't HAVE to care quite so much. Even a butt-ugly guy can become a rock star or a movie star  or just "get the girl" with his money, charm, intellect, or wit. Women suffer in the belief that they must be thin and pretty -- or alone.

At the checkstand of every grocery store, where most shoppers are still women, there are scads of glossy magazines. Roughly half of the covers feature traditionally beautiful and thin women. The teasers are for makeup and diet tips and tricks and "ten things your man wishes you would do in bed". The other half of the magazines feature photos of sobbing or face-shielding women and bold headlines screaming about their weight problems or broken relationships. What message, conscious or subliminal, is a woman to take away from that? 

The obvious answer is that "You had better be perfect from your weight to your hair to your clothes to the shape of your damn pussy, or else you will be passed over for someone who IS".

Of course we -- smart, capable, "modern" women -- know in our heads that isn't really true, but do we know in our hearts? And what about our daughters? What are they learning day-in, day-out, without even realizing they are being taught?

My daughter confided in me somewhat glumly that her young husband wants her to dye her hair red and cut it short (she has long, straight, blonde hair).There was no mention of her labia, as far as I know. Next week is her birthday and what did she ask me for? She wants her hair done.

This is a kid who is always in jeans and a t-shirt, shy and not totally comfortable in her own skin, especially after giving birth two months ago. She certainly has things she needs and wants more than a beauty appointment, but she asked for that because she, like so many women, is afraid of losing her mate to a more desirable specimen.

I'm a tomboy more than a feminist, not hugely traditional in my views on gender roles, however I have come to accept that I am just a very flawed human female. I realize that many stereotypical "girl" descriptors do actually apply to me. I have the full complement of female hormones which causes my brain to react in predictable ways to standard situations. That rankles my sense of uniqueness, but is sadly true.

So now I find myself wondering ...do I need vaginal reconstruction? Are my labia too floppy? Were the 30 years of kegels not enough? Is a loose cooch more or less detrimental to desirability than the stretch marks or the saggy tits? I'm losing weight...with that will come a whole host of surgery-ready problems. Is there a list somewhere with a hierarchy of plastic surgeries and other "tips and tricks" as they improve marketability to the opposite sex? 

Where did that new issue of Vogue go...