I cannot begin to count how many articles I have seen over the past few months addressing the issue of open marriages, polygamy, etc. It could have something to do with my greater awareness of such topics given my own lifestyle or the recently published book Sex at Dawn that takes a scientific look at the non-monogamous nature of human beings. Whatever the cause, it is the topic of choice these days and the articles have piqued my interest.

The thing that interests me most is the term “New Monogamy” that was spurred on by the journal Psychotherapy Networker titling an article “The New Monogamy: Can we have our cake and eat it too?" One blog, Polyamorous Percolations, broke down the article and addressed the issue of the use of this term and how the author of the article never uses such terms as polyamory anywhere in the article. These terms seem to evoke negative emotions in people. To change these terms to include monogamy, to say that monogamous people are finding a new way of being monogamous is a way of coaxing those on the outside into thinking about such things differently.

It is more and more common for people to want some sort of commitment but also seek freedom. For some that freedom simply means enjoying pornography without fear of hurting their lover’s feelings. For others it can mean they want other sexual partners but will remain emotionally faithful to only one, and then there are people like my husband who is sexually and emotionally involved with more than one person. Whatever the form it takes more and more couples are embracing forms of non-monogamy. People are embracing a notion that you don’t have to be exclusive to someone to be faithful to him or her.

 I can’t speak for all the hundreds of thousands of people who are forgoing monogamy but I can speak for myself. Once I got past my fears (the ones that worried if he still loved me, ever loved me in the first place or could love me still if he loved another) I was able to embrace that it is possible to have multiple committed relationships. It is a balancing act for sure, but so is monogamy. To be monogamous, my husband had to push away his true nature and thus shut off a part of himself. People can only do that for so long before they start to break down emotionally.

I think this has a lot to do with divorce, people who are not monogamous are entering into monogamy trying to fool their partners and themselves into thinking they can be something they are not. When they reach the breaking point, they cheat, they hurt their partners and themselves and things begin to crumble. Not everyone is doomed to cheat or be cheated on. There are people that are genuinely capable of maintaining a monogamous relationship. But for those that aren’t, having the ability to be who they are enables them to truly love their spouse and partners the way they need to be loved.

For me, as a bisexual person, all I needed was for my husband to see who I am and to embrace it, to know that I may look at women or fantasize about them and to be ok with that knowledge. For my husband he needed to be free to explore a connection with someone that, under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t be allowed to explore because he was married. By giving each other what we needed we have created a marriage based on complete openness, honesty and trust. There are no lies, no one is hiding, we are free to be ourselves, free to love ourselves, and free to love each other.

I am curious to know what others think of this issue. Is non-monagamy the new monagamy? Is the fact that more and more people are embracing non-monagamy a positive or negative trend?