- Complain to wife on trip to supermarket that the pumpkin we bought a week ago is quite teeny. Hint that second, larger pumpkin might be an idea – especially as they’re only £1.50 each. Grin as she gives in.
- Spend five minutes being given lecture on how to choose the right pumpkin. Discover that they make a boomy sound if tapped correctly. Avoid looking at people staring at us.
- Take pumpkin home and place it on stairs whilst getting in other shopping. Return to discover all three cats staring at pumpkin in highly worried fashion. Realise that there’s a good chance that they think that it’s a pod version of The Fluff Machine, who can be equally orange when he wants to be.
- Having reassured cats and put away shopping lay a ton of paper down on dining table and assemble fearsome collection of cutlery, along with pumpkin cutting kit bought by wife.
- Given short lesson in how to draw on your pumpkin. Consider what not to draw, as anatomically correct pumpkin might frighten the local children. Settle for safe face.
- Draw face.
- Re-draw face as it’s a load of pants.
- Re-draw face yet again as its now cross-eyed.
- Remember to draw jagged circle around top as otherwise strobey light thingy won’t fit inside pumpkin (naked flames are not a good idea to have around kitties as they hurtle through the house playing tag, knocking things over and then blaming each other).
- Redo circle to make it big enough for hand and light to go in, as apparently just dropping it in might not be a good idea.
- Start to cut using special pumpkin cutting kit. Look at cats, who have now surrounded table in an effort to see what the hell we’re doing.
- After five minutes effort finally remove top of pumpkin. Look inside and make disgusted noise.
- Clean off underside of top of the pumpkin. Peck about in main part with scoopy implement.
- Decide that wife is about to make cluck-cluck noises and decide to just reach in and extract seeds and other stuff. Squishing noise follows, along with disgusted comments from self. Later discover that wife’s attempt to capture my reaction on camera has failed.
- Fill recycling container with pumpkin seeds and gloopy material. Discover that room now smells like pumpkin and that I now have a burning desire to mention chianti and fava beans to my wife whilst I call her Clarice.
- Reach bottom of pumpkin. Feel cheerful.
- Informed by my evil wife that I still have a long way to go and that I now have to scrape it clean. Start scraping.
- Continue scraping.
- Get tired of scraping. Discover that Wigglekitty has gotten bored and is asleep in adorable upside-down pose on chair near us. Cheered by fact that wife might have the smaller pumpkin, but hers seems to be more full of goop than mine. Do not point this out as I don’t want a handful of goop in the face.
- Finish scraping. Point this out proudly to wife, who looks in and then tells me to keep at it.
- Continue scraping in a mood.
- Finally finish scraping. Wife gives thumbs up. Start on carving face.
- Discover that pumpkin carving tool is effective, but also bends easily. Continue carving more carefully. Discover that as pumpkin curves I need to vary my cuts, as otherwise face will be larger on the outside than on the inside and will defeat the purpose of the strobey light thingy.
- Notice that wife is taping me. Groan internally as I hate seeing myself on camera.
- Complete carving, noting that carving implement is now increasingly bent. Wife points out that I have not added any ears. Scorn the concept of ears on a pumpkin. Place strobey light thingy in pumpkin. Pause, reach back in again and then turn light on. Replace light and then admire how it looks.
- Discover that I have an orange hand now. Go to wash it. Return to discover pumpkin being sniffed at by deeply suspicious Middlekitty.
- Admire wife’s much better pumpkin.
- Place pumpkins on doorstep with lights on. Admire them. Pause to cut ears on mine.
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Norwonk
RenaissanceLady
Verbal Remedy
Safe_Bet
designanator
JLee Davis
Salon.com
Comments
Great Pumpkin! I especially like the teeth!
Great post.