I am a mother-in-law. I have wonderful relationships with all of my daughters-in-law, but that is because I have strived very hard to have that kind of relationship with them. I am also the mother of a soldier, stationed far from where I live. My daughter-in-love, as I prefer to call all of them, makes sure that I stay in the loop regarding my son, especially when he's deployed.

This relationship didn't just happen. You see, I had a mother-in-law who was awful. She hated me from the moment I married her son, and went out of her way to make my life miserable, so miserable that the marriage eventually broke up because of her. I swore then that I would NEVER be that kind of mother-in-law. And I have done everything in my power to not be like that woman.

My son was recently injured in Iraq. My beautiful daugther-in-love called me as soon as she found out. She called me several times each day, especially after she heard from my son, to tell me how he was doing, where he was, and what was going on. She loves me. She calls me "Mom" and I never asked her to or told her that she has to. She does it because she loves me. I am deeply moved by that kind of love, and I get it from all of my daughters-in-love.

Should a mother go to a home coming after a deployment? Sure, if she's willing to follow a few ground rules. She is not first. Let the daughter-in-law race into her husband's loving arms. Let him smother her with hugs and kisses, then let him turn his attention to the children that they may have. Let him hold them and cry over them. Give them space. They love each other. They have missed each other. Don't feel badly if he doesn't hug you instantly. He will come hug you and he will be genuinely glad to see you, even grateful that you are there, because you put his wife first. He loves you. It is a deep love. But that beautiful woman that he married is his world, his reason for breathing, his reason for staying alive in a very dangerous situation and the reason that he cherishes his life. Stand back. You aren't on the back burner. You will see.

Part of being an effective, loved mother-in-law is being willing and able to let go. You have raised him. You have given him the foundation upon which he will build his life. You have led him to the path of adulthood. Now, let him go. That's his path. That's his life. You can't walk it for him. You can only take the path next to him, being there when he turns to you. You are important as you are the foundation.

Many years ago, I told all of my sons that I would accept and love whomever they chose to marry, that I would not question their choices, neither would I criticise them or their choice of partner. I would openly and lovingly accept that person into my life, stand behind their decisions. I have a hands off policy when it comes to my grown children and their relationships. I am there if they ask for advice, but I do not step in with the advice.

Every couple of days, I text my daughters-in-love and tell them "I love you! I miss you!" This is sincere. I do love them. I do miss them.  But I do not interfer with their family life, their love life or anything else. As a result of my complete open acceptance of my wonderful daughters-in-love, they love me deeply. I raised wonderful sons for them to marry. That's why I had sons.

Let go of your son. It's the richest gift you will ever give yourself. Once you let go, you will find that the love comes back a thousandfold. Be there for your son, your daugher-in-love (start thinking of it that way, it is a wonderful help) and your grandchildren. But don't try to run their lives. Let them do that. Let them make mistakes, that will make their triumphs so much greater.

My Army son is now convalescing several thousand miles from me. He doesn't call me every day. There's no need. We know that we love each other. I didn't fly out to be with him, as I knew that my daughter-in-love was perfectly capable of handling everything. She's brilliant, she's wonderful and she is a great mother and wife. Why would I want to interfer with that?

Do everything you can to engender a terrific relationship with the woman that your son marries and you will deeply enrich not only your life, you will enrich her life and his life and their life together.