Foreclosure is, for lack of a better term, heavy stuff. It’s heavy on the heart and heavy on the head. After completing the first posting yesterday, the knots in my stomach grew strangely tighter and the weight of my situation heavier. This was supposed to be a cathartic experience. What the hell? I could’ve saved myself some time and downed the rotten goat milk in my fridge if I wanted to feel this way. Then I received what I call a mixed-blessing-bitch-pimp slap (for those who don’t know that’s a standard open-handed slap followed by a backhand as a gentle reminder there’s plenty more where the first one came from) that left me in a quandary. My dearest lover, confidante and better half read the post and her immediate praise loosened the knots in my stomach… but only for a moment. She has a front row seat to the foreclosure show at my house and because we live together the looming homelessness takes its toll on her as well. It was this question from her that threw me for a loop, “let me know who I can send the link to so that we can get you some followers!”
Ummm… Gulp…
You mean tell other people? People I know? Friends? Friends of friends? The thought of coming out of the foreclosure closet is terrifying. I want to control who knows. The sheriff who will one day soon show up on my doorstep to escort me out and change the locks was to be my initial test subject. If that went well then I'd consider branching out. But telling people now? I’m just not prepared for that. I helped my close friend in college orchestrate his “coming out” party but that was fifteen years ago. I can’t for the life of me recall the proper procedures and etiquette. We don’t discuss personal finances in our society and over the past several months I’ve had a difficult time in social situations. When a friend asks, “so how are things?” they have no idea how loaded a question it is. My response is typically some sort of clichéd generality followed up with an immediate question about their lives so I can divert the attention away from me. The problem is that I value honesty in my friendships and when someone asks how I’m doing I take it to heart. I’m good for about an hour at a social function before I slip into an isolated state of beating myself up because I’m not being candid with my friends. That episode is usually followed up with my favorite circus act of all: finding the nearest exit.
The truth is the friends we want are the friends who love us for who we are and not what we are. Inevitably there will be judgments made behind close doors and behind my back. I’ve done it myself a bazillion times. It’s part of how we make sense out of the unpredictability of the world around us. The only person I can think of who wouldn’t pass judgment is an alien from another planet who’s been sent with instructions to destroy earth. In that case why would I even want to be their friend?
I have no control over what others say. I have no control over this foreclosure. I have no control. I have no control. I have no control. I don’t want control. It’s time to let go. Loosen the grip, man. Breathe.
“Hi, I’m [INSERT ANY OF THE 2.5 MILLION PEOPLE'S NAMES WHO WILL FACE FORECLOSURE THIS YEAR] and I’m in foreclosure.”
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smalltownwriter
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Comments
After nearly 30 years of never missing a mortgage payment, I'm now delinquent and figure I've got at best 90 days to find somewhere to store my stuff and a find a room to rent. Unless some miracle occurs ... but I'm not holding my breath.
Hang in there.
Thank you for writing and for being such a good writer. I hope you keep writing.
I'm very sorry this is happening.
Nice way with words. From the gut!
The best thing that will come from this for you, is that the people who stick with you are your true friends, it's just a pity that you've to endure such misery to find them.
Betcha none of them are Bankers!!!
I work in Real Estate and I have seen many foreclosures. Some are ashamed and in pain, some in denial, some angry at the bank who made the loan (they aren't adults?), some actually arrogant and laughing at how they get to live in fancy houses for free. I have one client with $500,000 in the bank who pockets rent on investment properties he has in foreclosure because he can't sell them for what he owes. Some foreclosures are bad situations and some are in fact bad people.
You are the first. Don't confuse what happened to you with who you are.
I worked with some really good honest people who felt awful at the idea of not fulfilling their word.
Point is, you are not alone. Point is, it seems clear if you could work this out, you would.
I assume you have contacted your lender, etc.
As for the "sherrif at the door" - I don't know your timeline or state but many times, the lender now is offering a moving credit (one client got $3000) to move out by a certain date and leave the place in decent condition - the lenders have had too many homes trashed by the evicted. This amount could help you have a bit of "moving forward" cash and a clear timeline - as hard as it is to move, a certain date helps.
As for what to say in social situations, I can only offer my own perspective. Being in real estate, I have had one commission all year. I am living off savings, cashed in insurance and oh, yeah - putting my kid thru college coz her dad's maxed out his credit line redoing his new familie's new house and stopped helping.
I am broke, so broke I walked 5 blocks to save $4 cash in parking fees for a mammogram.
People ask how I am. Fine.
Because I am.
What I owe is not what I know, is not who I am.
Your friends won't judge that harsh, or if they do, its because inside, a part of them fears identifying with how close we all are to (financial) fragility.
Keep posting.
They seem shocked.
So true.
Look for the positive aspects of this situation. Learn from it.
See my comment to prev for a work lead.
Dustin, I am in a very similar situation to yours. I sometimes describe my living situation is like a single parent because my wife is disabled by chronic pain and she has almost no energy or stamina left. The best she can do is manage a few hours a day packing house up if she isn't asleep or zoning out on face book.
I think we could have recovered. I made a mistake of trying to build a couple of companies. I looked forward to actually making a difference in people's lives by giving them decent jobs. But no, VCs lied to us and both companies failed. Then I was diagnosed with hypothyroid which isn't fatal but it takes a year to year and a half to recover and my symptom history said it had been going for a year already. Get that taken care of, start getting my consulting business going again and then my health fails again. This time its gallbladder (atypical of course) then it's another couple of years and its diabetes.
I choose to think that diabetes is the last of this chain of bad luck. Unfortunately, the perfect storm of startup failure, illness, and economic failure has made it impossible for me to keep my house. My bank has been wonderful. We've been on forbearance for almost a year now but, without enough work I can't even keep that up.
Now that my mind is coming back to me, I'm discovering all search the things that my pain crippled and painkiller fogged wife has done with their finances. Let me be very clear, I'm not blaming her for the decisions you make. She had to make them when my mind was totally absent. Now, I'm cleaning up the mess and we have to decide between having a place to live or having health insurance. I'm going to try to split the difference and pay for my health insurance only but I'm not sure if it will happen. As it is, I'm trying to cut down on the amount of food I eat as a way of freeing up more money. Not wonderful when you're diabetic but, it's less dangerous than eating too many carbohydrates.
This truly is a moment that sucks. You are not alone. I am not alone but that doesn't stop us from being afraid.
Maybe one thing we should do is to figure out, as HLF asked, what could a stranger do to help us. For me, it's finding enough IT work so I can land in a safe apartment where we can keep our dog and health insurance
If you do start a support group, I will come. As far as I know the closest thing in existence now is Debters Anonymous, which I discovered recently in our local paper. It read something like: for those with overspending and debt problems or for the underemployed. I laughed because I've been underemployed my whole life...didn't know it was a serious problem.
Stymie
Though I'm demoralized at the paltry amount we raised (so far, at least) I know absolutely that this thing is going to turn around. Not because of politics. Because of one of the 7 principles of Hermetics: The pendulum always swings back equally the other way. We just have to get through the retrograde part. The part where the movement to the right has stopped, started to reverse and is now slowly moving back to the left. We just have to make it through the gnarly part. The part the right wing-nuts are nurturing so that "Obama" will fail. Like that doesn't mean the rest of us.
I'll end with a GD (Grateful Dead) lyric: We will survive.
I'm just sayin...