13 unlucky days remain until my foreclosure becomes official in the form of a public auction sale.  I distract myself from this fact by examining other facts with a glance through news headlines.  A CNNMoney.com article catches my attention with this headline:

Foreclosures: 'Worst three months of all time'

And then it was this little gem of misinformation that made my head spin like a merry-go-round until my brain barfed:

Despite signs of broader economic recovery, number of foreclosure filings hit a record high in the third quarter - a sign the plague is still spreading.

My first reaction is a resounding, “No duh.”  The author of the article, Les Christie goes on to write,

Most disturbing is that all foreclosures -- not just repossessions -- are rampant despite efforts to corral them.

Um... Am I allowed to use “no duh” twice in one sitting?  The article while published just yesterday feels about as current as rumors of a K Fed-Brittany break up.  Perhaps it was meant to be a retrospective piece written in the present tense.  Okay, I dig but I don’t digg because the article makes me presently tense as it goes on to point out:

Not only has the Obama administration's Making Home Affordable foreclosure prevention program taken a bite out of REOs but lenders themselves have scaled back repossessions over the past few months to give the program time to work.

What exactly is the definition of “taken a bite”?  The MHA program has helped a paltry 6% of some 4 million eligible borrowers.   Did the author somehow miss that gobbet of news delivered well over a month and a half ago by a fellow CNN contributor?  Now I feel a little sad for Les because if he’d done his homework he wouldn’t have experienced that yucky feeling washing over him he describes as “disturbing”.

I’d rather stare any other headline in the face during my morning coffee but the truth must be told.  As someone who takes a bite out foreclosure headlines on a daily basis I’m not surprised.  Or is it a nibble?  The answer depends on the day and my appetite for gloomy news. 

And yet another tidbit of the article:

In ever more frequent cases, delinquent borrowers want out of the mortgage worse than the lenders. There are no firm statistics for it, but many industry watchers claim the percentage of REOs caused by borrowers voluntarily walking away from their homes is skyrocketing.

Here’s a firm statistic for the industry watchers:  One.  That is the exact number I can definitively confirm when it comes to delinquent borrowers who want out of the mortgage worse than the lenders.  I am that one such borrower, who is also tired of reading this article as it goes on to say,

A study of the trend by the Chicago Booth School of Business and the Kellogg School of Management determined that when home price declines drop home values 10% below the mortgage balances, people start to give up their homes. When "negative equity" approaches 50%, 17% of households default, even when they can still afford their mortgage payments.

The results of the study by two business schools make perfect sense out of imperfect cents.  I admire good common sense and savvy business sense because unfortunately, I possess very little of either.  The devastated contents of my checking and savings accounts and my desire to jettison my house with its 20% and dropping value attest to this.  The article goes on to say,

"It's hard to envision [the banks] putting millions on properties up for sale and cratering prices," he [Rick Sharga, spokesman for RealtyTrac] said. "Recovery will be slow and gradual. I don't see home prices getting much better until 2013."

2013?!  That’s four years away!   When Rick Sharga of RealtyTrac says “getting better” he’s referring to an increase in value from their current abysmal levels – not where prices were a year or two ago.  When home values return to what homeowners facing foreclosure actually owe on their loan is anyone’s guess and my guess is nobody’s willing to make that guess… officially at least.  

Here's my favorite part of the article: 

And in some low-price markets, lenders simply aren't following through on foreclosures, according to Jim Rokakis, treasurer for Cuyahoga County, Ohio, which includes Cleveland.  "They'll even set the date for the sheriff's sale, but they don't file the final papers," he [James Saccacio, CEO of RealtyTrac] said. "They hold it in abeyance and let the residents stay in the house."

Stay in the house rent-free and yeah for me!  Sounds like the ideal situation for the foreclosed homeowner right?  Wrong.  When the bank files the final papers and the sheriff shows up on your doorstep unannounced in the middle of dinner to escort you out to the curb with your belongings there will be little to celebrate.  A smart foreclosee lives with the barest essentials so as to be portable when the sheriff shows up.  A smarter foreclosee knows this isn’t living at all and gets out while the gettin’ is less than good.  The CNNMoney.com contributor fails to inform his readers the silver lining of “let the residents stay in the house” is made of toxic asbestos.  I’m beginning to wonder what, if anything, is relevant about the entire article.  Is this what we can look forward to in the days of dwindling news outlets and subsequent homogenized reporting?  Foreclosure is frightening but this press problem is what causes me to keep the light on at night.

I hereby make the following requests to CNN’s online content editor in regards to the article:  Change “bite” to “nibble”.  Reappropriate the use of “disturbing” so as to make the article a little more imaginative and relevant.  For example:  There’s a sleeping giant of the foreclosure crisis and then there’s a disturbed journalist (who I find disturbing).  Switch the adjective between the two and it looks something like this:  “As a sleeping journalist I awake to find a disturbing giant called The Foreclosure Crisis.”  It may be far from perfect but it is accurate.  

If all of this feels like too much work simply delete the contents of the article altogether and go with this headline:  “Foreclosure Continues Biting The Big One.”  Underneath the headline simply write, “For article see headline.”  This tactic is my gift to you as it can be used in just about any situation where accurate, current and objective reporting isn’t important.  It will also save you a ton of money on therapy bills for your disturbed contributors.  Enjoy the tactic and no need to use it wisely because I know you’ve got your hands full over there at CNN.com scrambling to cover the latest missing-then-found hot air balloon boy.  However, when you have a minute please try to keep your contributors up to the minute.  Otherwise, I fear your balloon boy coverage won’t be the only story full of hot air.