Foreclosure Outside the House: A Guide to Dating
Today I was in a pretty good mood and about an hour or two into the elation it began to feel monotonous. The best cure for such happiness is usually a phone call to my lender. I still haven’t bothered to call Bank of America to find out the details of my impending foreclosure… and I’m not going to. They're going to foreclose on me whether I call them or not. There are plenty of other crackpot pursuits for me to undertake while waiting for the lender to step in as the undertaker for my house. One such pursuit is combining dating with foreclosure in my laboratory just to bring one more cockamamie complication into my life. Here’s how dating usually goes for me: I meet a girl, we fall in love, I notice the slightest of imperfections, they drive me nuts, we fight, we’re miserable, I cheat on her, she cheats on me and then after a long drawn out bout of putting up with one another because breakups are a hassle we finally call it quits. I know that sounds par for the course for many relationships but in my case this previous sequence of events only plays out in my head… before I’ve asked the girl out… before I’ve even asked her name. By the time I look into my crystal ball to scope out the dismal future I am to share with this woman there’s no point in asking her name because I already know it. She goes by Disaster or sometimes she calls herself Distraction. Either way I think I’m in for a pound if I’m in for a penny because there couldn’t possibly be a bigger disaster than foreclosure lurking in the shadows of my life. It's time to have a little fun in the process.
Here’s my list of tips for staying afloat in the dating world while your house is underwater:
DON’T MAKE DATING A FULL TIME JOB (EVEN IF YOU DON’T HAVE ONE)
People really really appreciate it when you put as little effort into them as possible especially when it comes to planning dates. The upside to this behavior is you won’t have high expectations to live up to once the date blossoms into a relationship.
SHOWER THEM WITH [INEXPENSIVE] GIFTS
Don’t bother with flowers. Be spontaneous and get your date a little something in the moment and never forget there’s nothing like shopping… in the bathroom… at a bar… while on a date. I really enjoy multitasking, so you can imagine how thrilled I was to find this little vending machine store in the bathroom:
It took me almost a half hour to make up my mind on what to buy so I wound up getting two items. Nice imagery is a big help so I purchased the armband tattoos that resemble barbed wire wrapped around flesh. And just because the name is so catchy and I enjoy creative spelling choices I settled on a packet of Genie’s Delites. After presenting these gifts to my date I had such a fun evening finishing both my dinner and hers... all by myself at the table. I probably shoulda’ gone with the Premium Ribbed Condoms.
CHOOSE A GOOD WINGMAN OR WINGWOMAN
Preferably one that bathes somewhat frequently and doesn’t have several warrants out for his arrest. My buddy Joe here, while a master at subtle body language, isn’t so smooth with the ladies.
I can’t quite put my finger on why he's no Don Juan but I’m still going to call him “Joe The Wingman”.
DO NOT BE YOURSELF
Face it, if you find yourself in foreclosure you’re not a catch so you best make up all kinds of half-truths. Be a little aloof. Your date might think you’re mysterious… or they might think you’re a serial killer. Either way misrepresenting yourself is the only way to avoid foreclosure coming up in the conversation.
WHEN ASKED WHAT YOUR FAVORITE NEW GADGET IS DO NOT ANSWER WITH “MY NEW FOOD DEHYDRATOR”
I recently made this mistake and it just turned me into a giant snowball of a nimrod as I found myself trying to make up for the dehydrator by explaining how it helps me make my own almond milk. The next thing I knew I was spouting off about survival food hoping that would recoup a little of my machismo. Instead it made me look like some sort of gun-slinging, right-wing militia membering lunatic. I would rather be a foreclosee than that so I had to concoct an elaborate story about building a stockpile of food that won’t spoil in order to be properly prepared for the homelessness from foreclosure. I thought this would at least give me a shot at a few sympathy points. It did not.
GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED = PERFECT DATE
This ensures that when you move from your nice neighborhood to an undesirable one the significance of the downgraded zip code will be lost on them. On a recent date I discovered her to be geographically challenged. When she confided in me that it wasn’t until a few years after High School that she realized Hawaii was not in fact next to Florida as many maps indicated with an inset square I forgave her. I’ve believed lots of dumb things before. When I discovered she didn’t have a TV I thought it was because she read a lot. Maybe she just knows a lot about a lot of other stuff. Later she put the icing on the cake with yet another admission: Until a few years ago she thought Washington D.C. was in Washington State. Acutely aware of my Pacific Northwest lineage and therefore geographic bias, I tried excruciatingly hard to let that one slide… until she mentioned she was actually in Washington D.C. and thought it was some sort of replica city of the real thing. I still can’t wrap my head around that one. When I discovered she also had no books things started to fall into place. She did have internet though and showed me some really hilarious websites. The other tip I would give myself is to stick a little closer to my own age range.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PAY FOR DINNER WITH FOOD STAMPS
This one should be obvious. Also, meeting women in the unemployment line is not a good idea. Opposites attract – not two broke-asses. Only one of you needs to be broke. If you’re in foreclosure it may as well be you. Enjoy the ride, it’s been taken by many. Need I say more?