Yes, I’m still in my house and no, I haven’t spoken to the lender about what’s going on.  That’s my current game plan and I’m sticking to it.  Like many a concerned citizen I tuned into President Obama’s State of the Union Address last night in hopes of some sort of announcement for a plan to crack down on big banks’ bungling of the foreclosure crisis.  My lender, Bank of America, is one such big bank.  I hoped Obama would single them out and shame them so badly they’d call me up to beg my forgiveness for the way they’ve handled my foreclosure mess.  This fantasy beats the heck out of the reality, which is that I’m partially to blame and they’re largely to blame.  If I have to look at the situation any other way it’ll just be too tough to look at myself in the mirror each day.  Watching the entire speech with both baited breath (and heavy breath while on the treadmill) I found no mention of the foreclosure crisis whatsoever.  Bummer.  I guess this means it’s over… for now.  Perhaps I missed part of the speech while taking a gulp of water or maybe CNN edited it out.  A quick search through the printed transcript revealed I hadn’t missed anything.  The word “foreclosure” was not mentioned at all.  Bummer again.  This confirms the sad truth that the world does not revolve around my problems (or that of 4 million other Americans). 

If someone asks me how I thought the State of the Union Address went last night my answer will be, "I thought Steve Jobs was simply brilliant."  As Apple's Supreme Leader, Jobs' keynote speech yesterday announcing Apple's release of the much anticipated iPad was everything I hoped it would be and more.  That's when I realized what I wanted from Obama's State of the Union Address was in Steve Jobs' keynote speech and vice versa.  And then it suddenly struck me these two icons of change and progress were going head to head in an all out historic battle of the speeches... on the same day. 

Somebody had to referee the match so I nominated myself (a person I frequently have a love-hate relationship with but who nonetheless will strive for impartiality).  Competing in various categories from wardrobe to economic stimulus here's a little taste of President Obama vs. Steve Jobs:

WARDROBE

A seemingly superficial category but as we all learned from the Nixon/Kennedy debate, appearances matter – a lot.  Seinfeld went off the air over a decade ago.  I don’t need flashbacks to Jerry Seinfeld’s enduring fashion crimes of blue jeans and terrible white sneakers.  Steve, just wear a belt and you’d get ½ a point here.  Just to reiterate, for all that’s holy, Steve, WEAR A BELT.  Any belt will do.  I don’t care if it’s made of puka shells, leather, hemp or endangered Iberian Lynx skin – just put one on so I can forgive you for wearing that horrendous black shirt that makes you look like a priest who’s about to give me my last rites.  Obama, on the other hand, sported a very fashion forward (and patriotic) red tie with fine white stripes. 

RESULTS:  

President Obama: 1 ½ points*   

Steve Jobs:  0 points

* The extra ½ point to Obama is for not only coordinating with the stripes of the flag featured prominently in the background but for confusing the hell out of the GOP when they realized he’d just co-opted their party’s primary color scheme. 

ADVANCES IN CLEAN ENERGY:

Obama reiterates his promise to deliver on clean energy while also providing jobs to stimulate the economy.  I have two friends who suffered greatly through this mini version of the Great Depression and found new job opportunities in the budding solar panel industry.  Does this mean I can run outdoors in Los Angeles without donning a surgical mask?  We shall see.  

Obama pulls out the big guns by tying cancer research into both technological advances in energy and economic stimulus by saying, “Last year, we made the largest investment in basic research funding in history - an investment that could lead to the world’s cheapest solar cells or treatment that kills cancer cells but leaves healthy ones untouched. And no area is more ripe for such innovation than energy.” 

Wow.  Did he just combine energy policy with fighting cancer?  I couldn’t dream up such a strange combination to cover in one sentence if I tried - and believe me I've tried.  That sort of bold move is what I call talent and because I find cancer such a blight on the world I'm almost certain Obama's gonna win this round...  That is until I realized Steve Jobs is also in the business of saving lives.  Approximately 78,000,000 gamers’ avatars perish every year at the hands of orcs, zombies and ne'er-do-well enemy combatants due to slow graphics chips and software code anomalies.  The iPad promises to pick up gaming where the iPhone left off.  Now with Apple's new tablet, gamers no longer need to suffer the emotional havoc from lower scores in their favorite video games.  What’s good for the gamer is good for the country… I think.  When it comes to addressing energy needs the iPad promises a 10-hour battery life.  Need I say more?  If it turns out to be similar to my 6-hour battery life iPhone that lasts for only 2 and my 6-hour battery life MacBook Pro that lasts for about 1 ½ then the answer is yes, I will have to say more… in 60 days when the darn thing finally becomes available (the equivalent of 5 eternities for a Mac gadget junkie like myself).  Until then, I'll take Steve's word for it because nothing makes my heart go pitter patter like longer life, batteries or otherwise

RESULTS: 

President Obama:  1 point       

Steve Jobs: 1 ½ points

ECONOMIC STIMULUS AND JOB CREATION

In his speech President Obama said, “Third, we need to export more of our goods.  Because the more products we make and sell to other countries, the more jobs we support right here in America.” 

That’s not just a slap, it’s a closed fist haymaker followed up with a Sunday punch.  Steve Jobs would have been down for the count if it weren’t for the fact that President Obama during his State of the Union address said the word “jobs” a total of 23 times… as in Steve Jobs maybe?  Uh oh.  I hereby call for an official investigation into the ties between the Obama administration and Apple’s lobbyists.  The timing of the speech with today’s iPad announcement is too coincidental for the conspiracy theorist in me to let slide.  The Blackberries of all White House staffers must be confiscated immediately to determine if they’re actually iPhones in disguise.  Furthermore, is Obama subliminally telling us he wants to create an army of Jobs – as in Steve Jobs?  The Apple commander-in-chief’s wardrobe aside I think I’m okay with that idea because the alternative would be a speech that goes something like this: “We need to open the Gates of economic prosperity so that middle class Americans can once again gaze upon the Vista of… um… the American dream?”  Trust me, nobody wants a nerd brigade of cloned Bill Gateses waltzing about the countryside mucking everything up.  As far as Apple’s economic stimulus goes they've sold over 20 million iPhones to date worldwide and if the iPad is even half as successful that could prove to be a lot of coin… for shareholders and select company principals.  But as far as employment goes… it's a mixed bag.  Apple will sell a ton of iPads overseas but they'll also manufacture them overseas.  When it comes to jobs, Jobs benefits Jobs.

RESULTS:

President Obama: ½ point    

Steve Jobs: 1 ½ points***

*** According to the semantics of the situation jobs benefit Steve Jobs, which benefit jobs, which benefit Steve Jobs’ ability to give his friends jobs.  As the official referee and sole judge of this fight I’m officially confused by all this Jobs talk and hence the 1 1/2 points awarded to Steve Jobs.  If Obama mentioned just once in his State of the Union Address the working poor he might have gotten a bitch-slap in edgewise over Apple's head honcho.  Additionally, nothing stimulates a person to go out and get a job quite like an Apple luxury gadget.  "You mean you're gainfully employed and have an iPad?  Wow... can I just stand next to you for a few moments?" are the words many gadget addicted imbecils like myself dream of hearing.

DON'T ASK DON'T TELL

Obama plans to finally repeal the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy of the military.  Do what you say and say what you do.  Some folks call this keeping a promise.  Is it just me or is an elected official about to keep a campaign promise on what is a decidedly hot-button issue at a time when he's got enough of them on his plate?  An admirable and gutsy move... otherwise known as courage.  Steve Jobs is left a little speechless on the subject until he remembers that the other Steve (Steve Wozniak, Apple’s cofounder with Jobs) briefly dated Kathy Griffin, a well-known gay icon.  Using the "some of my best friends' friends are gay" routine is not exactly heroic but it is resourceful and scrappy. 

RESULTS:  

President Obama: 1 point

Steve Jobs: ½ point

HEALTH CARE

Obama is trying (time will tell if the operative word should be “tried”) but ads backed by the highly profitable healthcare industry that pander to the lowest common denominator of misinformation seem to be winning.  I now refuse to argue with anyone on the healthcare plan unless they've actually read both the House and the Senate bills.  My HMO has steadily raised my health insurance premiums each year for the past 5 years.  The latest insult to my lack of injury occurred a month ago right in tune with the recession when the HMO raised my monthly premium by 25%.  If this keeps up I'll eventually have to bow out of my coverage.  Once that happens I better not leave the house for fear of the slightest trip and fall resulting in medical bills that would bankrupt me... for a second time.  If the iPad is anything like my iPhone or MacBook Pro it won’t get sick.  That's why we love our Macs - they're virus free and don’t cost us a bunch of money hiring geeks to rid our systems of viruses created by other geeks.

RESULTS: 

President Obama: ½ point

Steve Jobs: 1 ½ points

CHILDCARE

President Obama laid down the proverbial gauntlet to this portion of the battle royale when he announced, “…that’s why we’re nearly doubling the child care tax credit…”  Any other opponent would find themselves on the mat staring at the tail-end of a ten-count but not Steve Jobs.  The promises to take video on demand to a whole new level.  That’s right, what did you think the iTunes store was for if not to offer a little childcare in the form of enough Baby Einstein videos to keep your precious rug rats illiterate for years to come.  Throw in a few chronic seizures from the occasional iPad video game and we might have to bring the fighters back for another bitch-slapping healthcare round. 

RESULTS: 

President Obama:  1 point

Steve Jobs: 1 point

BIPARTISAN POLITICS

This is a no-brainer.  One only need to look so far as GOP filibustering and a subsequent claim that the Senate race in Massachusetts was a referendum on the Democrats as a whole.  Things in Washington resemble politics over democracy of late so kudos to Obama for calling it like he sees it when he said in his State of the Union Address, “Of course, none of these reforms will even happen if we don’t also reform how we work with one another. Now, I’m not naïve. I never thought that the mere fact of my election would usher in peace and harmony — and some post-partisan era. I knew that both parties have fed divisions that are deeply entrenched. And on some issues, there are simply philosophical differences that will always cause us to part ways. These disagreements, about the role of government in our lives, about our national priorities and our national security, they’ve been taking place for over 200 years. They’re the very essence of our democracy.” 

Whew!  For a moment I was worried he might say something clichéd like, “can’t we all just get along?” in which my answer would be no, apparently we can’t.  My neighbor next door drives me up the wall in ways you can't imagine.  We simply don't see eye to eye and that's okay as long as I can continue fantasizing about nasty little bugs crawling into his ears and feasting upon his pea-sized brain.  Not to be outdone, Steve Jobs is busy arming his troops to go into battle against the likes of Amazon.com with the iPad’s foray into the electronic publishing world.  Great, now we have one more file format war to look forward to.  Not satisfied with one common enemy Apple’s recent support of Bing is no doubt a shot across the bow of google's behemoth warship, which is weird considering searches, and maps remain integral parts of the iPhone and Apple’s browser, Safari.  Furthermore, since when does Apple team up with Microsoft on anything?  The last time that happened Microsoft duplicated Apple’s designs, implementations and metaphors to become an operating system software giant instead of a lowly word processing application developer… and the rest is history.  All of Apple’s partisan shenanigans are quickly becoming nonsensical and it begs the question, “can’t they all just get along?” 

RESULTS: 

President Obama:  1 point

Steve Jobs: 0 points

FORECLOSURE CRISIS

Neither competitor mentioned foreclosure and I can’t help but think I’m soooo totally screwed.  Thanks for nothin', guys. Point deducted from each.

RESULTS:

President Obama:  -1 points 

Steve Jobs:  -1 points

FINAL SCORES: 

President Obama:  5 ½ points

Steve Jobs:  5 points

Now if you’ll excuse me I must head to the Apple store and get myself on the waiting list for the new tablet because once the bank forecloses on my pad I'm going to have to live in an iPad. 

P.S.  If you enjoy reading a good fight check out Beth Mann's piece titled "Famous Fights that Never Happened - Cash vs. Sinatra". It's really quite wonderful for lots and lots of reasons and I'd be remiss to say it didn't inspire me in many ways while writing this entry.