Today I received another notice from a different loan mod firm, which helped me come to the conclusion it was time to either call the lender or drain the pool, fill it with topsoil and set up a bocce ball court.  I chose the former but before doing so I logged into Bank of America's website tasked with handling public auctions of their foreclosed homes (sneakily known as ReconTrust).  This time I found no sale date listed for my property.  That was a little weird... again.  If this foreclosure experience has taught me anything it’s that you cannot trust any information provided by the lender.  The sale date might be postponed (again) or this could simply be the usual lender computer error.

Out of foreclosure hibernation I emerge to face the lender… well, as much as one can through a telephone call.  I haven’t spoken to Bank of America about my foreclosure status in months.  As I dialed the number to their Home Retention department I couldn’t help thinking this phone call has all the trappings of a reunion between long lost enemies.  My conjecture was confirmed the moment I was connected.  There was that familiar automated voice prompting me for my account number.  Ahhh… and that same old hold music I haven’t had the pleasure of listening to in months.  In this world of late breaking news and constantly shifting crises it was nice to know there are some things that don’t change... in the way they grate on you. 

With B of A’s increasing profits from overdraft protection fees I half expected them to splurge on a new tune for their hold music.  I’m thinking they could afford the rights to a Randy Newman song.  Better yet what about The Who?  Surely Bank of America has deeper pockets than CBS’s original CSI series or Superbowl XXXVI[whatever].  Might The Who be open to the possibility of a fat paycheck for composing and performing a song for B of A’s automated phone system?  Probably not.  Okay then, how about a remix from their library of albums?  With the right orchestration they could serve as both the opener and headliner for the automated voice response system.  Here are just a few suggestions if Bank of America happens to be listening-- err I mean reading:

"WHO ARE YOU"

The opening lyrics are perfect for B of A’s opening phone request.  “Who are you?” sounds much better to me than a request for my account number.  I say add the extra little, “Who, who, who, who” just to be zany and mix things up a little.  Of course the problem with this is it could be too much of an existential question for borrowers such as I who tend to over think things.  I’m liable to respond with, “Hmmm… Good question.  Who am I really?  Am I a homeowner?  Am I a loser?  Am I a good person?”  This would inevitably lead to more questions such as, “Why am I here?  What’s my purpose in life?  Did I forget to brush my teeth this morning?  Do these socks even match?”  Automated phone response systems are not designed to handle such a breakdown of inner turmoil so scratch Who Are You for the opening act. 

"BEHIND BLUE EYES"

If Bank of America is worried sick about their tarnished image of late as the bad guy then opening with “Behind Blue Eyes” could be the cure.  “No one knows what it’s like… to be the bad man… to be the sad man…”  I know if I heard that I might be swayed to sympathy and perhaps even empathy.  Often I too feel like the bad man because of this foreclosure and that makes me a sad man.  I despise emoticons but can't resist in this case:  :(   When the “Behind blue eyes” part of the lyrics kick in I'd feel all warm and fuzzy-like as my mind becomes transfixed on the color blue.  Ahhh... it's the same blue that makes up most of B of A's logo.  How nice.  Once my mind wanders over to the red in the logo I'll start seeing red because my personal asset balance sheet is the same color.  Inevitably I'll reflect upon the time Bank of America bought out Countrywide Home Loans and devalued the several shares of stock I owned while paying past and present executives ungodly bonuses.  Okay, so... Behind Blue Eyes is not the way to start off the phone call.  Scratch it from the list as well before I go nuts. 

The Who weren’t meant to be an opening act so let’s focus on their potential as headliners for the hold music:

"GOING MOBILE"

Oooh… I like this one.  It speaks to the gadget geek in me… I think.  Bank of America could get some serious mileage out of purchasing the rights to Going Mobile.  Not only would it make for catchy hold music, it could be used for promoting their mobile phone banking service.  If I were alive when it was released in 1971 I might have said, “Wow, this song is from the future!”  Too bad mobile phones aren't as large as they used to be.  It would be really neat to live in one.  Going Mobile offers hope and inspiration to delinquent borrowers facing foreclosure with the lyrics, “Out in the woods… or in the city… It’s all the same to me… When I’m drivin’ free, the world’s my home… When I’m mobile.”  Wow, this makes the notion of homelessness feel kinda fun.  Who knew?  But when Roger Daltrey belts out, “And when I wanna go home… I’m goin’ mobile… Well, I’m gonna find a home…” my mind is going to start spinning and asking questions.  Well, I'm gonna find a home?!  That's supposed to inspire confidence in my situation?  I'm picturing a sea of landlords waiting to reject my rental application because of foreclosure-induced bad credit.  Living out of a motor home, a van or in a trailer park suddenly doesn’t sound so appealing.  That’s when anger and resentment will probably set in.  Bank of America representatives don’t like anger and resentment.  Perhaps we should scratch Going Mobile off the set list too.

Perhaps this experiment using The Who as front men for B of A is not such a good idea.  Here’s a better one:  foreclosees should co-opt the band’s music for their phone calls to the lender.  As soon as the customer service representative gets on the line simply blast WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN into the earpiece and start taking bets on how long it takes them to hang up.

Today when I finally got through to a representative, the first thing he asked me was whether or not I wanted to make a mortgage payment.  I know this is one of those scripted questions and an attempt to get whatever money they can out of a desperately delinquent borrower but still, I couldn’t resist giving an answer equally as inane as his question.  I responded, “You know, Ronnie, just like no single raindrop is responsible for the flood, no single missed mortgage payment is responsible for the foreclosure.  Will making just one payment today keep my house out of foreclosure?”  After a great deal of back and forth he finally said, “no.”  I wasn’t surprised.  I knew the answer before I even asked the question because I asked the same thing nine long months ago.  The only interesting piece of information to come out of the phone call to my lender was that there’s no status in the system on my foreclosure or pending loan modification application.  It seems I just slipped through the cracks.  When the representative said he would escalate it to a supervisor I quickly changed the subject and tried to fill his head with useless chronological factoids of my journey through their Home Retention process so he’d forget all about the escalation business.  Upon ending the phone call abruptly as possible I said something like, “This is not the loan modification application you are looking for.”  The coming weeks will tell whether or not my best attempt at a Jedi mind trick on Bank of America succeeds.