the only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share

with someone else when you're uncool
JULY 29, 2014 8:05PM

keeping him here as long as i can

problem is, the kid doesnt WANT to be here.  its boring, as i said.  and yes, they are aholes to each other.  tho they did just have like an eight second-long pleasant interaction.  so thats something.

but tonight, i got home from work, and he had dinner waiting for me!  not… Read full post »

JULY 28, 2014 10:06AM

but i still have good dreams

i dreamt last night that boy at work fell asleep on me

no, not after coitus, not after anything. he gave me a hug while i was laying down in bed, and kept hugging me, and i heard some breaths that sounded like sleep breaths and i stayed real still, but… Read full post »

JULY 27, 2014 9:33AM

i'm not in love

i think i like to be in love.  i think it hardly matters if the other person is in love back.  well, it matters, and certainly at times, christ, it matters very very very very much.

oh my god the heartbreak i suffered in the past couple years.  horrific.  so i… Read full post »

JULY 25, 2014 10:07AM

my lizard brain is really acting up

so re: my son's homelessness.  i dont like it.  i know i wrote about it lightly the other day, and i am not the level of freaked out i was at first, which is that if a raindrop fell, if they even said it was going to rain, you could not… Read full post »

JULY 22, 2014 11:11AM

update

so, i was away for a month or so, while big transitions were happening. 

first - got the procedure, and it was most definitely an actual operation.  it was in an operating room, which i was totally unprepared for.  and i had things on my legs so i didnt get… Read full post »

JULY 16, 2014 5:31PM

in over my head

are you in or are you out?  what in christ's name do you mean, half in?  what's that - up to your waist?  whats the point of that?  might as well be in at least up to your heart, over your head is even better.  who wants to wade through life? … Read full post »

JULY 11, 2014 11:22AM

almost like the morning after

we were leaving work together, after laughing together all day

i'll give you a ride to your car, you said.

i'll have to sit on my hands, i said, and hilarity ensued.

you're sitting in back, you said, and more hilarity ensued.

i didnt sit in back, of course.  nor on… Read full post »

JUNE 2, 2014 2:24PM

home. #1

i'll ride home with you, i say.

it's not home.  it's 3000 miles away from where i live, to a place that i hope will become home.

 

come home, i say.

it's not home.  it's 3000 miles away from where he lives, a place that used to be home.

 … Read full post »

picture if you will, a girl and her sisters and her mom watching some tv show.  the girl is tiny, tho she feels fat, and she has the straightest lankest hair you have ever seen, which she doesnt care for.  the room is kind of dark, and they are watching a… Read full post »

MAY 28, 2014 12:09PM

update. good news wednesday.

ok, i just got huge news, which is i dont have to move till the 15th of june.  thank god, bc i was sitting in my nowhere-near-ready house, with today and tomorrow to accomplish it.

still need to sort out our clothes, and every time i walk into my bedroom,… Read full post »

MAY 27, 2014 5:31AM

cash only, please

i have a new idea.  its called "prostitution."

its a more honest way for men and women to interact, and is a plan that should leave everyone happier.

i have a friend who was disappointed by a guy this weekend (ha, a friend!  oh i was let down too, but in… Read full post »

MAY 26, 2014 1:54PM

slow slow learner. slow.

so, the preparations for the move have begun.  got a couple loads of boxes out the other day.

i can barely tolerate it, have been dreading even just the clothes folding.  realized why, when i started folding...

because i have to sort my son's out separate from mine.

cause he… Read full post »

MAY 25, 2014 12:46PM

good news sunday

zanelle reminded me of good news sundays.  they were a very good thing, werent they?

lately, i feel i have no good news, but thats a total crock of shit.

pardon my foul mouth.  sometimes, i really love my foul mouth cause its funny and makes me actually laugh out loud. … Read full post »

MAY 22, 2014 6:00PM

i cant take any more racism

now some other NBA team owner said he would cross the street if he saw a black kid in a hoodie.

he also said if he saw a white man with tattoos on his face, he'd cross the side of the road, back to the side with the black kid.

the… Read full post »

ok, so guess what?

i go to doctor for hysterectomy consult.  and its NOT a hysterectomy consult, bc she strongly feels we should do the ablation!

which is what i was DREAMING of before this whole thing got started and convoluted and alarming.

and so i should be SO HAPPY, right?… Read full post »

MAY 15, 2014 10:03PM

alone with my thoughts

less alone with you guys here. 

my brain, i wish it would just shut up.  

bill is my brain.  chuck is all my systems that wish it would just shut UP.

 

 
i can watch a whole movie, and not remember i saw it before, till… Read full post »
MAY 13, 2014 7:31PM

biopsy's totally fine

completely normal.

so, thats a relief.

appt on monday to figure out next step.  funny - first thought i had upon hearing it was fine was the EXACT same thought i had last year, when i chickened out of hysterectomy - my brain supplied me with, "well thats an awfully major… Read full post »

MAY 11, 2014 9:45AM

some things about my mom

i read a post on slate called 50 things about my mother.  i would like to do that too, but i dont know if i can remember 50 things.  so i will say some, instead.

she is the one who taught me that you share what you have, that no matter… Read full post »

MAY 9, 2014 7:15PM

in which i upchuck

this is my third post today.  and i am tipsy.  drank three glasses of moscato in 20 minutes.  thats like sparkling grape juice, except it gives you enough of a buzz to laugh, and to need to retype practically every single word.

the boy is going to live somewhere else.  thats… Read full post »

MAY 9, 2014 3:55PM

i fuck who i want

when i want

how i want

because i want to

because i like fucking.

i have made love some, too.  i like that even better.

but you cant maintain that sweetness, the utter swoon that is behind lovemaking.  there is a gratitude to the earth and the sky and the sun… Read full post »

MAY 8, 2014 9:39PM

when the whip comes down

huh, who knew?  this song is about a young male prostitute.  been singing the chorus for how long now, and never knew?  she likes to sing at parties, sometimes she fakes the words.  

 
so, i am looking up, at the whip on its downward stroke.  i am… Read full post »
MAY 5, 2014 8:04PM

daisyjane shows her ass

ok, not really, but im gonna, soon as i get some pics. 

got my checkup today, and an ultrasound of my uterus.  as i was getting the ultrasound, i remembered the one where i first heard the boys heartbeat.  and i cried, of course.  i assume everyone does.  its an… Read full post »

MAY 4, 2014 10:25PM

fuck it. diving in.

its nothing extreme.  there's nothing new.  so it can only be the hormones.  friend from the city slept over last night, on my charming day bed.  thats the bed i slept in at the old apartment.  i had two beds.  the one i had slept in with a boy, and the… Read full post »

well this is always a tip off for me - you wake up and are crying or livid within minutes.  today it's crying, and it wouldnt stop, so i came over here to write - a focus helps it stop, see?

***

you know, since i decided to get serious… Read full post »

APRIL 30, 2014 8:17AM

it all makes sense now. i'm an ENFP!

or ENFT, EMFP, depending on what comes out of my mouth that rhymes with and therefore sounds like, ENFP.   which is very ENFP of me.  my son said its impossible that i am an ENFP.  he said there is no way my type doesnt end in J.

J for judgy,… Read full post »