ok,  you know i am all about The Fitness now, right?  laughing - yes, thats a gross exaggeration, but you know i am somehow getting somewhat fit again, right?

fitter than i ever have been, actually, with muscles i never had - like in my neck (my nape now sports a… Read full post »

i lay on this grass, bleeding

soft black eyes seeing nothing

occasionally convulsing

it looks like i am trying to stand up

but it is merely spasms

i dont expect to get up

i am waiting

my breath fading, ragged, not timed at all

i lay here, on this grass

remembering… Read full post »

little in return, here is what you do:

you stop giving and giving to them.

you can't control their behavior, and you might not even be able to control how their behavior makes you feel.

but you CAN control your behavior.

thats really the only, only solution.

on the entire,… Read full post »

talked with my son about going to see superman, man of steel, at the midnight showing in our little hometown theater, if i could stay awake.  i did stay awake, but sure was better prepared to go to bed at midnight than i was prepared to go see a two hour… Read full post »

its like a second long, and i cant stop watching it.

my heart is smashed to smithereens, even if it IS good to remember why i fell in love (i mean, thats MUCH better than not remembering, and thinking i was just a generic idiot all along, right?), but i am… Read full post »

i rack my brain sometimes trying to put into words why i love him, trying to understand how that came to be and what made him stand out beyond all others.

and i just got a giant reminder.

put up a facebook rant, complete with lots of eff words, about the… Read full post »

from some site called chefjeffsgarden.com: 

BIG BOY
Big Boy has been one of the most popular varieties grown by home gardeners since its introduction in 1949.  It is a very vigorous plant… Read full post »

off the top of my head, like hers:

its a wonderful life

casablanca

airplane

caddyshack

lars and the real girl

big fish

willy wonka and the chocolate factory

wizard of oz

big lebowski

and one more?

ummm,

american beauty 

  Read full post »

i aint never been to a strip club.  not bc i disapprove, but bc here in the boonies, the only one available looks to me like a very sad place.  i imagine a fancy one would be fun.

but i started thinking about what people eat in strip clubs.  lots of… Read full post »

one of the things i would do as i fail to live without new boy, is i would keep trying to find or create my dream job?  couple posts back?

well, it came along that fast!

i didnt get it yet, but the resume and cover letter are going out tonight.… Read full post »

the skies here in the northeast have been carolina blue, of late

i am not sure what it means, when the entire sky changes

all i know is that when i moved to chapel hill, back in the day 

the intensity of the blue was very very noticable, as was

the… Read full post »

what i mean is i will make a new facebook friend, a boy i adore, before i am even out of bed. 

i will be roused from bed by my friend the awesome beautiful caustic poet, who(m) i love and who loves me, just checking in to make sure all… Read full post »

stone dust

old bones, bleached and incinerated

the chunks ground then with a pestle, carefully

carelessly, ground in, around the sides

on the bottom

mashing, scraping, honing, till it is uniform

stone dust

adding water makes no difference

after it evaporates, there will be, again, stone dust

how it s… Read full post »

its maru's birthday.

he told me a story, about going fishing with his dad and a neighbor.  it was his first time telling dirty jokes.  he had just learned them, and asked his dad if he could tell them, and his dad said go ahead.  so he told the body of one joke, and… Read full post »

the other day i was commenting on my dysmorphic body image.  the good kind, where i think i am skinnier than i am.  i'm looking at myself in the mirror these days thinking damn, you dont even NEED to lose ten more pounds, or twenty, let alone thirty!  look at you!!… Read full post »

warning:  rather porn-y

let's undress each other, wend our fingers across the skin, fingernails creating trails of goosebumps, near and nearer and maybe even into various apertures.  slide your soft lips (oh god your lips) over mine, so softly its all i can do to not/… Read full post »

i am officially requesting the day off from work.

no, for real.

i really am.

and i will not think about how we said months ago that we would watch it together.  i will watch it alone, and laugh just as much.  maybe i will have a party, even.

yes, i… Read full post »

ryan ryan you are so cute

not only that, i think you're astute

i loved you as bianca's hot-blooded honeyboo

and tattooed and ratty in blue valentine, too

dont even get me started on stupid, crazy

i left that theatre swoony and hazy

they say you say… Read full post »

ok, first, a confession:  for the past week, maybe two weeks, maybe even three (maybe a month) (since the san diego fiasco started.  when was that?),  i have been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, or more.  sometimes only a couple more, sometimes a noticable amount more.

its gro… Read full post »

it's mothers day. 

the kid left last night at about midnight.  it was against my preference, but i dont argue much anymore with him.  he will find his way or he wont.  i dont know which it will be, but i do know i cant find it for him. … Read full post »

i continue the walking and eating better - the walking i am more down with than the eating better, but i am doing it anyway.  mostly.  tho i did learn that if i make my homemade baked mac & cheese, all control goes out the window and i eat it 6… Read full post »

'nother banner day yesterday.  will share just a bit of it.

was sitting at my favorite place in the whole wide world (i might have more than one, and why not?  i have more than one favorite song.  more than one favorite way to eat pasta.  more than one favorite flower,… Read full post »

there are marriages where the biggest connection between the spouses is that one uses the other's credit cards.

and it works, for those people.

"i will be pretty and deferential and not make demands of your time or emotions."

"i will provide you with the means to spend your free time… Read full post »

i have.  its the "new boy stress/my son stress/and cigarettes diet."

its apparently incredibly effective.  but its not just that, of course.  if only it were that simple.

i do also have a job now where i stand all day, which is hard on the feet, but apparently good for everything… Read full post »