with a bit of sanity gained from a small tan-colored pill.

and a vengeful god says, "hmmm.  huh-uh.  nope.  no sanity for you."

and he throws fibroids and anemia at you.  and anemia, holy shit how tired it makes you, and how you hate being tired all the time

but you take it gracefully and say, "big whoop!  fibroids!  anemia!  thats nothin!"

so the vengeful god says, "yeah?  how about this?  keith's fucking a MARRIED woman and she broke his heart overnight!  YOU never broke his heart in EIGHT years!  and she's MARRIED!"

but you quickly feel you will survive that, too.  sure, you're mad and hurt, but that little tan-colored pill, its a miracle worker.  plus your smart smart friend told you that that married woman did NOT break keith's heart, and he was just being incredibly immature and stupid.  and your smart smart friend is so smart and says everything so perfectly, that you believe him

you are gonna be okay with this, too, so don't sweat it

then, then your nephew dies.  in an horrific, horrific motorcycle accident.

and you crack then.  how could you not?

god wants you to crack, you're gonna crack.

but

turns out

this time

god aint goin' for cracking

this time, he will break you

so in rapid rapid machine-gun fire succession he throws at you:

the whole keith hasnt worked in over three months and never told you thing

so for sure, you can't keep this apartment, without his help

but! no money to move into another apartment

such poor, terrifically poor planning

but then, a light!

the child support you have been waiting on for a YEAR, from the ex who makes a hundred Gs a year and hasnt paid in nine years (and barely before then, either),

FINALLY that goes through, and you will receive,

you WILL

at SOME POINT

(they cant pinpoint it - this is a mysterious process, you know, that nobody can quite fathom or explain, and everyone who is supposedly handling it just kind of lives in this fog, knowing something is going to happen somehow, at some time, in some way, but the mechanics, and lord knows the time frames, that they dont know and cant possibly know...)

they DO know, that after a YEAR of waiting for the process (these things take time)

that you WILL

AT SOME POINT

begin to recieve

from the man making 100k a year who hasnt paid in 9 years

400 dollars a month.

ha!

funny, right?

and you already had put in for a modification, but had no idea the incompetence would be so severe that they wouldn't take his employment into account.  the meeting is scheduled for two months hence, but of course  they will say they have an emergency and cant make it.  it will get rescheduled for two more months hence.  and then

if they are smart, which they are

they will unexpectedly have an emergency then, too, and stall for two more months...

and working won't matter

there is no job you can get that could pay what it costs to live in this county

save, perhaps, waitressing.  its the summertime, after all

but the anemia leaves you so winded so easily that last time you served guests at the soup kitchen for one single hour, you were actually tired, wiped out, from it.  you didnt understand it then, cause you didnt know you had anemia.  it worried you.  one hour waitressing is not that taxing, after all.  but a five or 7 hour shift, no way. 

and so, this is the way

my world ends

not with a bang

but a litany

of petty bullshit

and nonsense

and a dead nephew

and lying men

and stupid, stupid, stupid women