i wish i wish i wish i had video for you.
i ALMOST was going to take the computer and set it up to record, but i had to carry my guitar, a tambourine, my purse, and an umbrella.
PLUS i had to be there early, to see if i could actually do it at all. so there was just no way.
however, i just realized i DID run back home to get something i forgot, and i could have grabbed the computer then, but i didnt, cause i didnt know i would wish so much afterwards that i had a video of it.
i SANG at open mic. AND held a guitar which i strummed in a sometimes melodic way!
i did NOT suck! now, i have been being told all my life that i cannot sing. in funny ways, but nonetheless.
here's what happened: i got a wild hair up my ass to sing a particular song at open mic. i'd give you the lyrics, but i can't, but they are perfect for goddamned handholder. so i decided i was going to sing that song, to spite him, and play my plastic tambourine i was given last week, as accompaniment.
so i did that, and recorded it, and sent it to three people, including the person whose song it is. my old friend pierre said i cant sing it unaccompanied. so i remembered the boy has a 3/4 size guitar, and i figure, i can strum it.
turns out its hard to strum a guitar. it is NOT easy to make pretty music come out, without spazzing and making some totally bad noise you are not looking for.
but i practiced for at least two hours.
realized as i was practicing that i could play the song to MYSELF, rather than handholder (can we be honest here? i AM a little crazy about handholder right now, i admit it. but can it POSSIBLY be sincere? i mean, it takes a year, my nephew's death, and keith's betrayal before i notice i like him? that cant be 100% authentic).
after practicing all morning, i still pretty much suck at it. my voice is uneven, i keep making the guitar jangle, and i am not going to be able to do it if i dont get help.
so i call the lady who runs open mic, and she is so stupendous. i go in early, she plays her guitar for me.
i took my last 20 dollars (say what you will. that last 20 dollars isnt saving anybody) and spent 17 of it (17!) on a guitar dress. from old navy (old navy!), red bandanna print, ruffle at the chest. its PERFECT. and it looks quite reasonable. i look neither too old nor too fat in it. fat and old maybe, but not TOO much of either.
and i go, and handholder (who was mean to me on monday. we will not talk about that. suffice to say i do not think i am equipped to deal with the dating world. quite frankly, if there are many men out there like him, its a wonder anyone is. interesting, that the man i picked for sweetness is the least sweet of all), is very happy to see me. he loans me a guitar pick, then tells me i can have it. its his grateful dead ripple guitar pick, and he has had it forever, and dont lose it. so, that was a gesture.
ah okay. it took me a year and blah blah blah not because my feelings are inauthentic, but because that is how my feelings develop - over very long periods of time. every man i have ever loved, except for keith, i knew for at least a year, first. never noticed them in that way, until i did. yep. well. i choose to ignore my heart for now, cause it is ALSO claiming that in fact, i stayed with keith for so long because i loved him very much.
anyway. so she played guitar, i stood with my guitar and quietly strummed and looked pretty fantastic doing so. i think i will just wander the streets now, in that dress and guitar. life was glorious for that moment. sure, i was sweating like crazy from nerves, and i sing with my eyes closed so i banged into the mic a couple times, but....
and i also read two poems. i will just share the shorter one here:
One way, and another
One way to make peace
Is to ask to borrow a guitar pick
Is to give someone a guitar pick
Still another way
Is to have makeup sex
But that's not always appropriate.