ludicrous, i warn you in advance. but every word is true.
first, backtrack to when handholder told me he called on saturday morning to invite us to breakfast. and i THOUGHT, well, that was 3 days ago, dude. am i supposed to be impressed?
but what i SAID, was, "that's sweet of you to think of us. thank you."
and then i saw facebook pics of him at the waterfall with his special ladies, taken that weekend.
and then keith came to open mic to be my beard, so handholder would leave me alone and quit jerking me around, because CLEARLY he prefers to go to a waterfall with his special ladies than do anything in the whole wide world with me.
so guess what i did yesterday?
spent six hours with handholder. who appeared at my door all hangdog. asked if i wanted to go for a ride. i said sure. we went for a ride. he took me to lunch. he gave me a guitar lesson. then he said, "be back in a sec," and left and came back with his hands behind his back and told me to pick a hand, and he had an ice cream cone for me.
to that i say, "lovely. very sweet. thank you." but i am not fooled. and i wont show him what i want, again.
and then keith, who was supposed to go see a special show with me last night, a show important to one of our special open mic people, a show RIGHT SMACK next door to where he lives, called to check in, and hemmed and hawed. what i THOUGHT was, oh come on, you goddamned pussy. you are going to disappoint HER, just to make ME feel bad?
but i SAID, "if you are tired, maybe its better you get some rest. gonna be a hot few days coming up and no point in wearing yourself out before they even start."
so he went.
and THEN, on the way there, i told myself over and over, holly, you are NOT going to ask to do anything with him when this is over. cause he is going to claim he has things to do, and you are NOT going to give him the chance to say no to you again.
so i DONT ask him to do anything afterwards.
so HE asks if i'd like to go get ice cream, his treat.
i can have something as long as i dont ASK for it?
i have needs and i have wants and i am not easy and if they need an insipid girl who asks for nothing and looks blankly at them while vacuously spouting platitudes, well, as you know, i am not the one.
so i tell my therapist all this today, and i sum it up thusly: "being a big fat phony is seriously effective."
and SHE said, "it's not being a big fat phony at all. it's setting a boundary. its saying, "i am vulnerable right now, and these people dont respect that, so i am not going to expose my vulnerability to them." its a BOUNDARY, holly."
doesnt that sound so much better than being a big fat phony?
dont you love her?
ok. off now to a free picnic in the park, and i hope i dont faint on the way. it is seriously hot out.
stay hydrated, whatever you do. and wet your hair, if you need to, to help stay cool.