i wrote last night of the ex calling, to threaten to kill me if i persist with suing him for child support. to clarify, he is a computer programmer making 120 thousand dollars a year, and i have offered him a deal that is nothing short of idiotic, i have offered him a deal that is so low that a judge wouldnt approve it, normally. however, with the violence factored in, the judge will approve it. i am offering him a 95,000 dollar discount on arrears, and an 800 dollar discount each month, under what the judge would order. but thats not good enough. he needs to scare me. and look at any newssource at all and you will see that plenty of men follow through. especially men with no strong tether to help them want to NOT get in trouble, and his wife just left him.
i should be at the police station right now, filing a report. i need to shower first. i am exhausted and paralyzed.
everything anyone ever did wrong to me has come home to roost. i havent yelled, and barely even have sworn since he did this. i just dont yell anymore. you yell to get heard. i now realize i will never be heard, so i get to stop trying.
did you know i was sexually abused for years of my childhood? and do you know that i always say it was not one of my more formative events? but i think back to how tiny i was, god i was so fucking tiny. i wonder if i weighed 30 pounds, the first time. i know i weighed no more than 50 when it ended, years later. well, that particular round ended.
and today, well, today that is making me cry. such a tiny tiny girl. tiny. with black hair and the cutest chipmunk cheeks, and knew from the time she could walk not to get in trouble, and man oh man did she listen when she was told to do something.
she was the only member of her family smart enough to figure out how to never get beaten, and she never did. all her many siblings did, and her mom did, and she became a caretaker so that by 5th grade, she knew what a raw deal her sisters had, dumb and impulsive and beaten regularly. she tried to help them feel okay, with her very limited resources.
today, those two sisters, one she forgets she has, most days of the year, cause its the only way to deal. the other is the main reason in the whole wide world that she would like to get her shit together and get rich, so she could take care of her.
and she still tries. she still tries to make people's lives better every single day of her life. every single day she wakes up and pathologically wonders what she can do to make things better, and not just for her, but for anyone whose life needs to be made better.
i hope that will end sometime soon. i would really, sincerely, with all my heart, like to stop trying to make things better. why cant i just go on welfare, wake up every day and sit on my couch and roll my eyes when the kid's an asshole, cause i dont expect any better, and never even look at a man again. right now, i dont even like my male friends. except the few on here who realize this is to be taken seriously.
30 pounds. i am wondering if it was 30 pounds, bc 4 years later it was 48 pounds. how much does a tiny girl gain in 4 years? i dont know. but maybe thats why i dont mind so much being fat. there's no great reward for being tiny.
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Reflections of a shallow pond
zanelle
john guzlowski
CoyoteOldStyle
Jeremiah Horrigan
Joan H.
Salon.com
Comments
Now: get up wash your face put on the ferocious woman of power outfit and go straight to the police with every shred of documentation you have. Get that started. It will be problematic but know that going into it, be unstoppable and shrewd. Skirt around and angle and bypass over the next few days as needed until you get the order of protection. Go to a lawyer, PM me I know the advocate who will help you here in _______ County. She has the been doing it for decades, knows everyone, and has her own personal Story of All Stories so she is a bulldog as big as the sun.
You are not 30 pounds of shrink and evasion and terror and suffering anymore. You are full weight, on two strong feet, and have everything to protect -- and you will shrink him down, in his own eyes and in the world, to the quite ordinary weight he actually is. You will not crush him, nor do you want to, my very good friend daisyjane-of-the-bright-morning. You want him to stand up, and pay up, and endure it like all human beings must. The judges and cops will see it in your eyes, that you seek only justice and safety.
He's not a supernatural monster. He's just a plain, run-of-the-mill asshole. Unfortunately, you must convince the weary battle-worn cops and all others you are not a see-saw partner with him, that you are not a Problem. Keep the facts simple. When the cops get that, their own burning need to smite and correct and apply justice will kick in. They (most of them) love to see righteousness prevail. Radiate fierce mom, and firm but not-yet-equipped.
Breathe, sister. And keep us posted.
greg - i am lucky enough to have a lawyer, who i think is good, but i will PM about the advocate if i have to. i will wash my face with my nice facewash, take a shower, put on my power outfit, and go to the police with a calm demeanor, and not scorning the whole entire process as a string of garlic.
thank you, for helping to fortify me. i am on my way.
and jl - they are, at a rate of 81 dollars a week, which is the amount he was paying nine years ago when he was unemployed. thanks for checking in. i am going to the police station right now. i washed my face and took a shower and put on a strong woman's outfit.
wish me luck i get through it dispassionately, bc i am tired of crying.
One other thought: If this is about only money, he's more likely bluffing than serious about physically attacking you. Few people will risk their freedom for a few bucks.
It's good you're going to give it a go.
Call me if you need to. You know you can vent.
one pill makes you smaller & one pill makes you tall.
the one Mother gives you
dont do anything at all, etc.
i guess a psychotic ex is a bad pill to swallow.
i say spit it out. blech.
and take the other pill.
do all this stuff metaphorically, musically, by the way.
not too difficult i hope.
and i sure hope u are not dead
cuz i read you to sister L
today and now she
is worried over you.
ay. she has had
many such scrapes with the Beast.
"oh fuckit, i made alot of bad choices, yknow" she said.
"no shit. i was there for them."
"oh yeah. huh. well so did your sister S."
"oh what the hell else is new/? wimmin making bad choices. a cliche. just get empowered already."
"huh. shut up. what the f. you mean?"
"listen to G, your lover."
"I do, so shut up."
"you shut up!"
"you! shut up! yer getting agitated!"
"i forgot my pills"
blah la la la
That tiny girl had a secret. She was made of iron.