i wrote last night of the ex calling, to threaten to kill me if i persist with suing him for child support. to clarify, he is a computer programmer making 120 thousand dollars a year, and i have offered him a deal that is nothing short of idiotic, i have offered him a deal that is so low that a judge wouldnt approve it, normally. however, with the violence factored in, the judge will approve it. i am offering him a 95,000 dollar discount on arrears, and an 800 dollar discount each month, under what the judge would order. but thats not good enough. he needs to scare me. and look at any newssource at all and you will see that plenty of men follow through. especially men with no strong tether to help them want to NOT get in trouble, and his wife just left him.
i should be at the police station right now, filing a report. i need to shower first. i am exhausted and paralyzed.
everything anyone ever did wrong to me has come home to roost. i havent yelled, and barely even have sworn since he did this. i just dont yell anymore. you yell to get heard. i now realize i will never be heard, so i get to stop trying.
did you know i was sexually abused for years of my childhood? and do you know that i always say it was not one of my more formative events? but i think back to how tiny i was, god i was so fucking tiny. i wonder if i weighed 30 pounds, the first time. i know i weighed no more than 50 when it ended, years later. well, that particular round ended.
and today, well, today that is making me cry. such a tiny tiny girl. tiny. with black hair and the cutest chipmunk cheeks, and knew from the time she could walk not to get in trouble, and man oh man did she listen when she was told to do something.
she was the only member of her family smart enough to figure out how to never get beaten, and she never did. all her many siblings did, and her mom did, and she became a caretaker so that by 5th grade, she knew what a raw deal her sisters had, dumb and impulsive and beaten regularly. she tried to help them feel okay, with her very limited resources.
today, those two sisters, one she forgets she has, most days of the year, cause its the only way to deal. the other is the main reason in the whole wide world that she would like to get her shit together and get rich, so she could take care of her.
and she still tries. she still tries to make people's lives better every single day of her life. every single day she wakes up and pathologically wonders what she can do to make things better, and not just for her, but for anyone whose life needs to be made better.
i hope that will end sometime soon. i would really, sincerely, with all my heart, like to stop trying to make things better. why cant i just go on welfare, wake up every day and sit on my couch and roll my eyes when the kid's an asshole, cause i dont expect any better, and never even look at a man again. right now, i dont even like my male friends. except the few on here who realize this is to be taken seriously.
30 pounds. i am wondering if it was 30 pounds, bc 4 years later it was 48 pounds. how much does a tiny girl gain in 4 years? i dont know. but maybe thats why i dont mind so much being fat. there's no great reward for being tiny.