Did you ever wish that you had your finger on the pulse of hip, young America? Remember when suddenly everything was chipotle-flavoured a few years ago and you had no idea what that meant? Do you have trouble distinguishing between the passé and ironic revivals of the passé? Well Painfully Suburban's new feature, Resident Tastemaker, is here to help you appropriate the trends before they're even trends at all. Resident Tastemaker will lay it on the line, predicting what's up and coming in the world of culture.

Today's installment: Woodgrain Appliqué. Don't make the mistake of associating this trend with the green/eco-friendly movement. No, it has nothing to do with natural materials and everything to do with basement rec rooms. A quick and easy way to liven up boring granite, marble, stainless steel, or carbon fibre surfaces, inexpensive DIY woodgrain appliqués will bring all the charm and luxury of the 1987 Dodge Grand Caravan right into every facet of your life! Most modern non-minivan vehicles can be retrofitted to sport this hot new look (see illustration above), and fellow motorists could even mistake your auto for some sort of innovative yacht on wheels. But the woodgrain revival will not be limited only to the road. Around the house, creative and multi-tonal usages will be particularly impressive:
 
"Sacrebleu! Is that a woodgrain bidet in your bathroom?"

"Why, yes, thank you for noticing! The tank and seat are done in faux mahogany, while the bowl is covered in authentic Cubic ZirConifer®."

"But doesn't the water damage the appliqué?"

"Yes, but the twice-weekly resurfacings are a labour of love, just like the annual repainting of a Victorian house. Besides, they provide a convenient excuse to skip those pesky bridge games with the neighbours."
 
Once manufacturers catch on to the red-hot aftermarket woodgrain customisation trend, expect products ranging from blenders to iPods to larger items such as tables and refrigerators all to be available directly from the factory with tasteful woodlike surfaces at little extra cost to the consumer. It is too soon to say whether imitation woodgrain's kindred spirit, Z-Brick imitation brick surfacing, will ride the coattails of this revival to regain its former prominence as well.