I am compelled to write a letter about a product, something which I never do, and I am seeking your help.  Here is my draft:

Dear Mars Snackfood US, LLC:

I am writing to you to because of my sense of deep disappoinment and disillusionment that has caused me to lose faith in America.  I am, of course, referring to the pack of Premium M&M dark chocolate candy that my life partner bought me today.

This is what they are supposed to look like.



That is the look of a chocolaty goodness that all Americans know and love, and have come to recognize and synonymous with all of the good things in life.  M&M's are part of the fabric of America -- not a mere product, but an indispensible piece of the grand experience of democracy, itself.  Children and adults the world over look to M&M's not just as a delicious candy treat and a source of comfort when the day has gone awry, but as a shared experience that shapes and defines our lives, and binds us all together as a culture, a country, a people.

And so it was with great shock, horror and emotional distress that I found this abomination awaiting me when I opened my virgin package of "Premium" M&M's.



In these times of great economic uncertainty and duress, as the entire country struggles with weighty matters affecting our very survival, we citizens of this great nation have occasion to reach out and rely upon our common bonds.  To steady our souls and give us the courage to soldier on, we seek reassurance from the great American icons that have defined our times and been a common thread throughout our lives.  Without question, in this pursuit there can be no greater, more consistent or more relied-upon icon, no more important symbol of a strong and healthy America, than the diminuitive but historic M&M.

Their unique shape is instantly recognizable to anyone who grew up in America, and the mere sight of an M&M can bring comfort and reassurance to our soldiers abroad as mortars and grenades fall around them.  The mighty M&M reminds us of what our troops are fighting for, and gives our soldiers in faraway lands a connection to home and family, providing a boost of hope and courage even in their darkest hours.

What message does it send our children to see even this grandest among all the giants of American culture stumble so badly and fall so hard as was evidenced by the tragically deformed and disturbing carcasses I found today?  Once I recovered from my shock, I got on my knees and thanked almighty God that it was not an innocent child or a soldier in Iraq that opened that diseased pack of horror, but merely an ordinary American like me.  I prayed that those who have lost their homes to foreclosure, who have been denied health care, or who have lost loved ones to violence are not subjected to the cruel injury of discovering that even "Premium" M&M's have become something to fear, rather than being a source of comfort.

Therefore, in the spirit of an America that may have lost her way but still lives on in the hearts and minds of its citizens, and in the hope for a world in which children can grow and be kept safe from harm, I request that you rectify this tragic situation that has shocked my conscience and caused me and untold others to suffer a devastiting emotional injury and crisis of spirit.  You can do so by sending to me, via Federal Express, 10,0000 packages of M&M's, which I will use in a tireless effort to restore faith in our country among its depressed and disspirited citizenry.  This is, I believe, the least you can do.

Thank you for your kind attention to this matter, and God bless America and the Mars Company.

Very truly yours,
Dana

What do you think?  Any suggestions for improvement?