Republican Party Declares Bankruptcy

By Daniel Rigney

In a surprise press conference this morning from the steps of the Wall Street Journal’s international headquarters, a  Republican spokesman declared the  G.O.P. intellectually and morally bankrupt and acknowledged that its diverse holdings may soon be put up for sale on the free political market. 

Several potential investors , including the Libertarian Party, the Tea Party, and Bain Capital, showed an immediate interest in acquiring some or all of the party’s assets.  The energy firm of Koch and Koch is also rumored to be circling the property as an investment opportunity.

RNC chairman Reince Priebus, whose name really is Reince Priebus, expressed regret that the party may not withstand the steady drip of revelations about its leading candidates which, like drops in a rainstorm, have swelled to a torrent in recent days. The disclosures have continued to erode the party's projected image as a defender of traditional moral values and the interests of the common man and woman.

The disclosures* have included allegations of legal and illegal financial misconduct and sexual impropriety, as well as statements and actions that some regard as implying gross racial and class insensitivity.

Radio personality Rush Limbaugh and his public relations team, Cliché Recycling, expressed hope that the party might survive the crisis by endlessly repeating words and phrases such as “freedom and liberty,” “heritage and tradition,” “Christian nation,” and “government is bad.”

The White House has thus far reserved comment on the announcement, saying it prefers to maintain a Buddhist silence on the matter.

*Text to self: Elaborate here on hidden contributers to Super PACs, dramatically lower tax rates on the rich, financial chop-shops, racial and class innuendo, traditional marriage as a relationship between a man and several women, etc.